that futile wish

we woke up at 5am this morning to catch the sunrise at marina barrage. It was Yingqi's 21st birthday celebration:) The view was spectacular, and we were just standing there in a line, looking at the sun's rays slowly change from a dark orange color to a brighter gold.

we just stood there talking about our plans for next year, and we took lots of photos as usual. Then, the sprinklers went off. We screamed(well, the girls screamed), and we rushed to shift the bags and food away from the water. haha, it was quite comical seeing how gek theng was just telling us that a similar thing happened to her a few months back. oh well. we didn't get wet, and the food was salvaged;)

Karen went for a haircut recently, and her hair's really short now. It's even shorter than what I wanted to do to my hair, and she looks really good with the short hairstyle:D now, if only I'm fairer, if only I don't wear specs, and if only my nice friends will allow me to go for a haircut, I just might go cut my hair next year end. (year end!haha).

I learnt a lot of things today, and as cell was just sharing on how many of us wil be away next year, I felt a bit unsure. Somehow, at that moment, I felt a little apprehensive about leaving and embarking on a new adventure. (this is random, but I just remembered how our astro notes had this side note in the last lecture that says how we earthlings are ROOKIES about to embark on a new adventure). haha

like I said, it was just a sudden feeling.

and Karen was just saying how she can't imagine me staying overseas by myself. haha, I guess I seem to be a very dependent person. I guess I am in many ways. And honestly, I get that a lot. The people around me are always telling me that they can't see me living by myself overseas. Part of me acknowledges this truth, but somehow, I feel like explaining that I think I can see myself getting along relatively well by myself. Well, maybe not entirely by myself, but the idea is there.

but then again, there's nothing to prove. when the time comes, we will all know;)

Today was great, and I am now more sure than ever that these are the people I want to grow up with, and they are the ones I want to stay with.





I was surprised to see the rainbow, and I was taken aback, until I realized it wasn't a complete one.

I want to keep believing

The weekend has just started, and already I can sense the excitement in the air. Four papers down, one last one to go. The astronomy paper was tough like we expected, and yet I had fun doing it. and then we went to ambush for dinner, it was simple and nice:) I'm really quite glad that my girlfriends make the effort to make me feel welcomed and comfortable when we go out together with their respective partners:D I'm just naturally shy when it comes to relationships, and sometimes I don't know what to say, but there has never been a time when I felt out of place. I think it matters a lot to all of us when it comes to balancing our friendships and relationships. It's like what grace said on friday, sometimes, we want to ask, and be there for our girlfriends, but we don't know how to. Nevertheless, we try.

Speaking of which, grace is back! and we had lunch(ban mian!) at the food court in marina square, and after which, we made our customary trip to Starbucks:)

Dark Cherry Frapp didn't disappoint;)I wished the toffeenut latte had more coffee and lesser milk. In any case, it was a relaxing time, and we were just talking about random things. I think we are at a stage in life when our conversations usually end up with the topic of relationships. and it got me thinking, sometimes I have things I want to share with my friends, but I just don't know how to.

I can't seem to put my feelings into words, and even if I do, they end up sounding awkward and silly. haha, that's me I guess.

And the funny thing is, now that I feel like I can share, I realize there's nothing to share anymore. So once again, when people ask, "do you have someone you like?", I end up saying no, because, it's the truth for now.

And I guess one thing that stops me from sharing is how my ideals and expectations are always too high to others. I know I sound too idealistic, and it may even come across as wishful thinking. But, I really don't want to let go of my expectations, because to me, if I let go of my expectations, then the person will not be the one I am really looking for. it's like grace's "all or nothing" belief. I mean certain not so important qualities can be overlooked, but some qualities are so crucial that they are almost necessary. Okay, I have no idea why I just typed an entire post about this. The words just came out. haha. I'm using this blog to tell of all the things that I want to say, but can't. so yeah. bear with me.

one more paper, and we're done for the semester:)

one step closer

I'm making an intentional effort to blog about each exam paper. haha. Yesterday's Forensic Science paper was quite fun and interesting. It was the first time I felt quite anxious for a paper. Or rather, it's been a long while since I experienced such anxiety about a paper. we went to collect the urban essays before the paper, and for the rest of the day we were just on the topic of grades. It was a good conversation as I guess we found out more about which lecturers we now have to avoid, and how we are becoming increasingly distant from our grades. It's good that we are starting to let go of our obsession over grades and to just try to do our best and to commit the rest to God:)

I just wonder if we will really end up taking the lit courses that we discussed about. a lot of things can happen in a few months. and I have no idea why, but I keep having the feeling that when we return, a lot of the professors who we see now won't be here in NTU Lit anymore.

in any case, three papers down, two more to go! and grace is back in Singapore! haha, it's time for banmian. I wish carol's here with us too. but I know God is with her:)

bye bye prof. bates! your wit and humor were very much appreciated;D

keep that bounce in your steps

We had our Medieval Literature paper today. And the most memorable thing about the exam was when the exam ended and Prof. Wadiak came around to collect the papers. I looked up with my brightest smile and said "Thank you!" to him. He had this wide smile on his face when he came by, and he looked a bit surprised when I smiled at him, but thank God! I guess I wanted to just convey my thanks to prof wadiak:) And just before he left the exam hall, he turned around specially to give us a wave, and quite a number of us raised our hands in response. I thought that was really sweet of him:D I know I'll probably never take his modules again, because he doesn't teach many modules in school, and he may not be around when we return next year. So I said a short prayer for him as I waited in the exam hall. I prayed that he'll have the joy of the Lord to be his strength, and that he will always be assured in Him. I prayed that he will always have that smile on his face and that he will have the light of God in his life. :)

Two down, Three more to go!

Last night, you said a simple goodbye.

And I asked, "Why now?"

You called out my name when I least expected it, and you caused me to waver once more.

Why turn around when I have already moved on to my own path?

Why do so in such a natural way? It felt like it didn't mean much for you to be able to say that one word. You probably don't know how I had to struggle in order to do the same thing.

"Goodbye, and goodnight."

It was a strained smile, but it was the best I could give.

Let's go!

There are some blogs that are constantly updated, and there are blogs that simply fade away. I guess sometimes life gets too busy and there's just no time to blog. It rained suddenly just now, so my mum and I had to rush to keep the clothes if not they'll get wet. what was amusing was how quite a number of people did the same exact thing: rush to their to windows to keep their clothes, and it felt like we bonded for that short moment. well, it's just a random thought. in any case, the youth WnI went well last night!

God's grace was really upon us, and I just wanted to spend more time sitting there in the chapel and just praying to God and sharing with the rest:) ever since my childhood, I have always wanted to belong to a team. like that of a basketball team or some kind of society, and experience the feeling of going through hardships and fun times together. I never had the chance to. But last night, I has a glimpse of that. the Hopers team was just gathered together in the prayer room, and we were all praying together, and as I closed with a short prayer, I felt like I have found my team. and as we closed for the night, I shared of how I was reminded so strongly that the reason why we can come together like that was because we all belong to the family of God. and indeed, they are the people I want spend my life with. Even though sometimes I don't quite understand them, even though at times, I can be quite shy, but I want to try, and I know we will always be a family:)

all glory be to God!

post-mo~

so I met up with Fyeri today. at the start I kept thinking to myself how it felt like I was going to a matchmaking event even though I had no idea how the other person looked like or how I was even going to identify her.

well, in the end Fyeri turned out to look like nothing I've imagined because for the first time, I had no image in mind. But! she does look pretty and is very intellectual. haha, for the first time, I felt like a Singaporean cause I was doing all the ordering and I was like introducing all the local food to her. it was really a nice break. just talking and sharing about things I don't normally have a chance to share about with my friends. well, basically just POT and manga. and the food was great! haha, as I thought, she was slightly hesitant about the stingray, but ended up really liking it in the end. :D

as for today's exam, there was a chorus of us talking about how tough it was. and today's medieval essay was a bit disappointing. But! it reminds me that I do not want to take pride in my writing, and be stumbled by it. Also! These are wonderful opportunities to trust God and to let His grace be shown in my life!:)

haha, it was really quite fun doing the american lit paper, and prof. Yerkes had this glee on his face when he said, "you guys can leave the hall now." haha. so funny.

okay, one down, four more exams to go!

Youth WnI tmr! All glory to God!:D

I'm waiting

I spent the past two hours trying to write a final conclusion to my essay. And till now, I am still unable to do it. I have no idea why, and it is funny and ironic at the same time because a few days back, I was just commenting to sharon that I cannot wait till I reach the conclusion for the essay because conclusion are always the easiest and the most enjoyable parts of my essays. But this time round, it is the toughest. I do not know what to write, my back is breaking, and I am about to go into hyper-ventilation. But! this is an excellent opportunity to trust God:D I am learning to depend on His grace, and hence, this will allow me to exercise my faith in Him. Lord, I have faith the size of a mustard seed, and You know I am tired, but Lord, I have faith in You, and I really believe You will see me through this. So Lord, will You pour out Your grace and fill me with the Holy Spirit? Amen! Thank You:)

Things have been hectic, and I am really busy. But I am learning to depend on Him! I was just telling God how I feel so immature as I keep struggling over the same issues and not being able to overcome them. and I guess I really did suffer a minor breakdown last sat. I was just really tired that day, and my emotions got the better of me. burnout I guess. but! I am better now. I think it's really time to start learning and start applying in greater measure what I have learnt.

one objective for the year is to learn how to be GENTLE. this is an almost impossible task for me. but then again, phil 4:13 reminds me that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" and so, Holy Spirit, help me to be gentle in all my ways:)

so for all of us, let's press on and let's work hard together so we can enjoy our holidays together!Fighting!:D

my neighbors must think I'm mad. or terribly stressed. perhaps, it's both.

for the whole day I've been trying to concentrate on my essay, and it really doesn't help that for the entire day, there has been some kind of event going on near my flat. So there is so much noise that I can only blast music into my ear plugs in a bid to overwhelm the noise coming from outside. and I just heard the emcee say, "everybody CLAP CLAP CLAP!". goodness. no wonder I screamed out loud just now. this is frustrating to say the least. BUT! we're going to make it Lord! We can do this:) MUSIC, PLAY ON!

I am just awkward when it comes to relationships. and I honestly think I am commitment-phobic. Hmmm.

In any case, I am enjoying a short break from school, and meanwhile, essay time has been stressful but in a way, exciting:) I really like how I can use essay writing as a valid excuse not to do anything else. And I really just want to focus on writing a good piece. It calms me down when I know I do not have to think or do other work apart from typing and working on my essay:) weird, but yes.

okay, back to essay!

technology is breaking down on me. Just earlier my "i" key on the lap top came out and my heart almost couldn't take the shock. And now my earplugs won't work. No matter how many times I clean the metal stick and try to fix it, it doesn't work. The music comes offs really weird, like the singers are so far away and all you hear is the melody and faint voices in the background. it results in a vr distancing effect.

Oh, I found a way to restore the original sound. I have to hold on to the plug. darn. all the time??