These feelings

Good Friday was spent in a way I would never expect.Woke up at 7 in the morning to have breakfast, thinking it would be bread with either cereal or soup. The canteen staff decided to take a break and served us plain potatoes with sugar instead:( but I went back to my room to have my own cereal, and it was nice:)

started off the day with a little of K drama cause it is one of those few things I can do without disturbing my roomie who is still sleeping. so after the drama, and as I spent the rest of the morning alone in the room, I just sat down and talked to Him. Thanked Him for Good Friday, for what it means to us, prayed for the trip to Gyeongju, and just had some personal worship time.

headed out for lunch and econs after that, and then we were off to Gyeongju! and what can I say about the trip? It was really an adventure of a lifetime, but in short I am very thankful for the nice and helpful people we met along the way.

we had a surprise BBQ at the guesthouse as we felt that it was too inconvenient and dangerous to travel out for dinner. we had solid pork for dinner, a huge slab of kimchi with salted fish, and really dry rice. for me personally, the best part of the meal was the sweet potatoes given to us by this group of koreans who were eating at the next table in the guesthouse. In the cold, while we froze our legs off, the sweet potatoes were really a perfect gift from God:)


Our Korean comrades who shivered in the cold with us, and who gave us those lovely sweet potatoes:)

And, I really love the bedtime conversations we had. we were just roasting slowly in the room with our over-heated floor,and just talking about all sorts of things(which ended up being the same topic...), and having fun laughing about our individual answers, and being asked some really thought-provoking questions, which were provided mainly by sharon;)


Just in our PJs, and warmly wrapped up in our blankets..

today was spent searching and buying barley bread and hwangnam bread. we went to the amusement park as well, and tried in vain to view the promised cherry blossoms. Still, I hold on to the belief that we will experience those pretty flowers in full bloom:)


We found a preview of those pretty pink flowers at Olympic park after church on Sunday:)

all in all, I am glad to be back home - at least what we call home to us for the next few months:) but, it has been a rewarding and fun trip out to another unknown place. thanks girls:)

I think one of Sharons' pictures captured the essence of the whole trip, and of life itself.



Sometimes, I know the end even before it arrives.

At times, I am just happy to go wherever You will lead me.

5th April 2010-

As we sat in church yesterday and as Pastor Stan baptized a lady, I thought of my mum. And as she recounted the story to me last night over MSN, I felt His joy in my heart. When she told me how she missed me as the whole family had dinner at j8 yesterday, I could tell that both of us were trying not to tear. I think that was the first time I really missed home.

I told God I really wanted to be there when He was baptizing my mum, but I told Him it is okay, because I know the rest of my family provided her with the support and love she needed.

My mum asked me about my life here, and if I am experiencing any problems. And I told her honestly that sometimes it can get a little rough. But she told me to pray and not be hurt so easily. I smiled because that was what I needed to hear. I used to think I would never feel those feelings my friends talk about, but I realized I have experienced those feelings, it's just I never talked about them.

I think it is human to give your heart, invest your feelings, time and resources, and expect something in return. But I hope in time to come, I will be able to do so simply out of love for the people in my life.

I never believed in hiding my feelings, and I still feel the need to share when I need to. Because I know there will always be a rainbow after it rains. Even if I don't see it with my eyes, my heart acknowledges it, because God has promised it to all of us:)

Till now, I have not had any regrets coming here, because with every step of the way, He fills my heart with things I can thank Him for, and I am very grateful I am here, with the people I care about:)

I am really full right now. Just came back from a dose of Baskin Robbins' ice cream yoghurt. A little too much food has to be digested tonight..haha, not that I am complaining, cause all the food today were really good:)

one month into our trip here to pusan. and I think we are finally settling down. I guess there are still many issues that remain half-resolved, but isn't that how it has always been? We don't really know how to handle every situation perfectly, and we don't really know if this or that is going to last, but it's enough to just enjoy the present moment and to try our best:)

our days are packed with so many things to do that I hardly have a chance to blog, or to just take a break. even leisure time seems to be packed with dramas to watch, things to read..I think I shall continue my book after econs hw tonight. Am looking forward to reading more of "Memories".

I was just looking through my facebook pics yesterday, and I realised I really do miss my cell group girls. a lot. I miss talking to them, fellowshipping with them, miss being surrounded by their optimism and miss sharing about what we learn from our walk with Him.

But! I am really thankful for the wonderful company I have here with me in Pusan. the girls have been amazing, and though we have had our differences and a little of friction, I thank God because I feel very happy to be with them:)

this is quite bad. It's only 9.40pm here in Pusan, and my eyes are closing. I think I shall just copy out my econs hw and go to sleep. haha

It's true. I am having a very relaxing time here. To the point where I am disconnected, and detached from a lot of things and people. But, I am quite glad for the break really. I think I was bordering on the edge of a burn-out( I have no idea why, cause I was having holidays..) but, I think the simple lifestyle here has allowed me a chance to breathe. I like not having to think of what to eat, and just going down to the canteen to be surprised. even when we end up eating sandwiches and cup noodles cause the food is terrible, I enjoy it as well:)

I like not having an agenda for the week, or even the day. just plan things when we go along. I guess it has something to do with my commitment issue? The basic things remain permanent, but the rest of my life has become more flexible. And I am glad for the no attachment kind of lifestyle. Quite selfish of me, but I fully intend to be more involved and more connected when I return back home. I was telling God that I think this trip to Korea feels a little like a Sabbath. A break from what I have been used to, come here to clear my head a bit in the cold weather, and when I get back, I will be more spiritually mature:)

but then again, today's message at church reminds me that God did not give us the Sabbath to rest so we can go back to work on mondays. He gave us the Sabbath to have fun, to relax and to enjoy His presence. To set apart our days for Him. and I think this exchange is going to be like that. Enjoying His goodness and His faithfulness here, with just enough light for the next step, not bothering with what is going to happen a few months later, and not being anxious about the future:)

I really like this living in the moment kind of lifestyle:D

Thank You Lord!

I like just being able to stand outside at the balcony, with my towel wrapped around my shoulders. Gazing out into the skyline of Pusan, and singing worship songs being played on my laptop. This is therapeutic indeed:) I have not felt so relaxed for a long time now. The cold re-assures me somehow. Of course, it helps to have a heater that's working perfectly in the room;)

I wouldn't have it any other way

"I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth" - Dan Hill


Sixteen days away from home, and I am back to where I began. A cup of cereal, some nice slow songs, and sitting alone in a room. But of course, things here are not entirely the same as when I was back in Singapore. Even as I sit here, there's a part of me that wishes to run out to check if I am really in Pusan..It's crazy I know. I know it sounds silly if I were to say it STILL hasn't set in. I mean I know things are different here, and I do miss everyone back at home, but it feels as though I am just on an extended holiday...that involves economics homework.

But! In any case, before I start to recap on the most memorable events of the past two odd weeks, I just want to say a HUGE thank you to all who made this possible:) haha, I feel like I have just received the Oscar Award, and am about to make my thank you speech. Anyway, I think this trip to PNU really wouldn't have been possible without my family who supported me all the way. They didn't even think before telling me YES, Go ahead if you want to. And my cell group members and the hopers who encouraged me when I wasn't sure if the exchange was even possible. I remember this once when I was anxiously telling Shu Hui how to bid for the school mods for me, and she told me that I will be going for the exchange, so the bidding of the mods isn't that crucial. That woman has the gift of foresight no?:P haha, I believe she just had faith:)

And of course, how can I not talk about the zoogaNders* people? Carlu and Grace, thank you for the saranghaeyo:D and the two girls(women?) who made PNU a whole lot nicer - Yiwen and Sharon :)

But most of all, I have You to thank. You have been looking out for me every step of the way, and You have blessed me with so much more than I can ever imagine. There are times when I look back on hindsight, and I realize how You have planned and worked everything together for my good:)I am still a little unsure now, but Lord, I want to keep holding Your hand, I want to keep believing in Your goodness and Your provision.

Let my time here be a thanksgiving onto You, and do bring about a breakthrough in my life while I am here. But Lord, not what I want, rather, do what You want in my life. Love You. And I know You will continue to protect and to love the precious people in my life:D

You are fulfilling my dreams one by one, Your way.:)

I have opted for an evening of books and korean dramas. It feels nice to watch the time go pass slowly, and to have a bit of me-time. I am quite looking forward to tmr morning when I can have the room to myself, and eat my cereal with milk:)

Now, if only I can continue to resist the urge to eat instant noodles..

Blog post about Pusan will be up tmr!:D

"That was you always--on the point of departure or return."

- Neil Murphy, Heartsong

I think this sentence says it all. I remember when I shared this short story written by our prof. to grace, she told me this is the one sentence that stood out to her. My sentence is, "My heart stopping in stages."

I think both sentences make a lot of sense as we prepare to say our goodbyes, and it is strange because a part of me wishes that God can just let it sink in that I am finally leaving home for Korea. And yet, another part of me tries to cling on to the illusion that I am still here, nothing is going to change. But! I have no doubts that this trip with the girls will be an amazing journey:)

So Lord, let's go shall we?

P.S - By the time my next blog post comes up, I would have already toasted to a new beginning in Korea with the girls over rice wine:D

Pachelbel's Canon in D Major is on replay, and the version by Lee Galloway is quite exceptional:)

I just came back from watching the movie, "Bright Star" with Sharon, and I'm glad we watched it. I needed that break from all the people and happenings. Just being able to sit with my legs propped up and burger in my hands is one of those simple pleasures in life. the actor playing John Keats is really quite charming, and the part when he said, "Let's pretend I'll come back in Spring" was quite painful to watch. In a sense where we know he's not going to come back, but he just wants to give Fanny the hope that he will. SIGH. I wanted to cry. Okay, maybe I did. haha

and the last part when we just sat there in the theatre soaking in the poetry of John Keats was quite brilliant:D

"If poetry doesn't come like leaves to trees, then it might as well not come."

waiting

I went into church on Sunday reminding myself to soak up every single moment of the service. But you know what? I didn't have to remind myself. Because even now as I type this blog post, I know I will miss church and everyone in church, but I know also that the Lord who is keeping me safe and well, is the same good God watching over them. And because of this, I can leave for Korea knowing that whatever happens during the next four months, will be for the best:)

Sanghyun joined us for the service yesterday cause he said he's not sure if he will be able to send me off on wednesday, so he wanted to meet me for one last time. he even passed me a map of busan, and though it's in korean, I felt very touched by his efforts:)

And as we had worship, and as the last song came on, I closed my eyes and asked a silly question, "How did you know Lord?" For the past two weeks, the song in my heart has been "Still" by Hillsongs, and when the music started, I couldn't help tearing, because that was the song we sang at the end. It may not mean much, but in so many ways, Jesus has shown me that He knows me so much better than I know myself, and that He knows exactly what I want and need. It's like how when our Senior Pastor prayed over me for my exchange, he prayed the same exact two things that I wanted to pray for, without me telling him=)

The topic for yesterday's sermon was Jehovah-Rohi: The LORD our Shepherd. And it's wonderful because I just finished reading grace's blog post, and the message she received coincides with mine:) I love the message, and I really learnt a lot of things yesterday. And I really do want His will for my life:D

This is random, but I feel really stuffed. My grandparents fried another batch of their famous once-a-year curry puffs yesterday, and as usual, I cannot resist them. So I just finished my fourth(thank God the puffs are quite small!), and I still have my cup of Rocher's soya bean milk. But, who's complaining?:)

I am really looking forward to spending more time with the girls, and I know even though we will be going separate ways for now, we will still be a part of each other's lives.

Woke up at five this morning to send my uncle donald off at the airport. it was really nice to be able to celebrate chinese new year together as a family:)

went back home to sleep and woke up at 11 plus to see multiple messages flooding my inbox. traveled down to j8 meet the school buds for lunch and for the bollywood movie. Must-watch indeed. according to the girls, I was quite a loud audience, what with my laughter and sniffling. but! the movie was really quite emotional, and I just couldn't stop my sobbing(!). there were so many scenes that really hit me, and two of which were when the african americans started to sing the "we will overcome song" which interplayed with Khan's own version of the song. Another scene is that of Khan standing up to tell the real story of Abraham, or Ibrahim as they call him. Wow, the truth about the story has never been shared in a clearer way. It is precisely because Abraham knew and believed that God's love would overcome everything, and that He would provide, that he was willing and able to sacrifice his son. I think my tears literally poured out of my eyes when I saw and heard how Khan shared about the story.

after which, sharon and I headed down to town to meet grace, carol and minghui. tried out B3...the only thing I appreciated about the place was the company and the Asahi beer. So yeah. anyway, we went to take neoprints as well, and it was fun to see how we are eternally young in neoprints, and trying out different poses was entertaining as well. shopped with great efficiency for grace's dress, and we picked out a mature looking dress which she looks really pretty in:)

ended up having a short coffee and hot cocoa break at Tully's Coffee. The mocha was quite pleasant, but the conversation was seriously the highlight of the break. shall leave it to sharon to describe more. we headed back after that, and I was quite glad I had the opp. to talk more to minghui during the train ride. we chatted about our own churches, and what we are doing in church, and how maybe we should introduce each other to the people in our respective churches(cause the more people we know, the higher the chance of meeting our future partner...)..HAHA.

but like I told him, I really do think the right thing to do now is to wait. when he/she comes, God will guide us to the next step. the funny thing was, he asked my about my ex eye-candy, and I actually shared with him about it. alright, even with the caffeine, I just yawned. so go to sleep now.

this is too amusing not to blog about it. I've been teaching my parents how to use the MSN, so we can communicate via that, and I tried it out with my dad just now. Here's how the conversation went:

"here, here is the world" says:
hello!
daniel says:
Hello. How is the weather your end?
"here, here is the world" says:
it's snowing!
daniel says:
Wah!!! Its -40 here and its not snowing. How come?

HAHAHA. so funny right! alright, that's what I wanted to blog about:)

After the short run on the treadmill, I realize I smell like soup. haha, it's probably a result of the four steamboats and the many many bowls of chinese soup that I have drank over the past two weeks;)

the sun is setting now as I type, and thought it's nearing the end of the day, it is so bright that it feels like a new morning has just arrived. The light always seems the clearest when it is dark. I remember this postcard I use to have when I was in secondary school, it said that it is always the darkest just right before dawn. I guess, it works both ways:)

my korean buddy, Ju-Young is really quite amusing. I ended up laughing at my com. scrren while reading her email. she seems like a super bubbly and cheerful girl, which leaves me trying to guess her age. oh well, I guess we'll know when we see her at the airport.

one more week till our departure from home sweet home to Korea- the land of BOF, Kimchi, Soju and how can we forget, the hanbok:P haha, random, I know, I just couldn't think of another characteristic of Korea, and I would want to be able to dress up in a traditional hanbok while I am there. And I am so going to persuade the three other girls to do the same with me and pose for a pretty picture. in sharon's words, "Hohoho!" :D

Let us rejoice in the Lord always!:)

Lord, even as we wait to fly off to Korea, I just want to re-commit my plans, my life into Your Hands. And I know I have been asking you to fulfill the desires of my heart, but now, I don't hope for that anymore. What I want now, is for You to fulfill the desires of Your heart. Because what I think I want, what I think I need is really not what I desire.

I want to follow the Holy Spirit's leading, and it's Your hand I want to hold.

on the edge for once

I am feeling the lethargy at last.

The girls just left for the movie, and I am taking a break before the cleaning up. I love good company, but sometimes, it is just nice to sit in an empty house and rest for a while.

the days in town have been saturated with walking, the heat, and times of solitude. I never knew I could spend 5 hours just strolling alone from one shopping centre to another. the day I go without my music, is the day I will feel lost and slightly lonely.

wanted yesterday to be my last day at work, but figured I shall not be so irresponsible, so one more day at town next week, and I am done with the market survey job. I think I have seen and experienced town in a whole new light for the past week. I think I have exhausted every resting place that can be found along the somerset stretch.

but it has been quite a fulfilling time. it allowed me a lot of time to think and to just be on my own. granted that I tend to be stoning half the time, but I guess I can appreciate the independence, and the rare moments of company are treasured by me more.

I should prob. go back to washing up, but I can feel the sofa calling out to me. my eyes are on the verge of closing and I am thinking of my work report. in yiwen's words, "Woe is me."

nah. I will play some music, and then I will feel more awake. one downside of going out so much, is that I am currently 4 episodes behind for my korean drama:( and I don't think I have time to watch those four. hence, it will accumulate..

I am really quite glad for the girls. I know I am not really the kind of friend who is always there for them, and I can be quite quiet and awkward at times, but I like knowing that we will be here for each other through it all. I don't have to be someone else with them, and though we can feel left out at times, I firmly believe that this friendship can only become better:)

I'm tired. I need a getaway. that is one of the main reasons why korea sounds very appealing right now.

the cheesecake tastes like sour ice-cream. hmmmm...

13.02.2010

the cheesecake is actually quite good when it's soft:)



Yum:D No prizes for guessing who made this cheesecake:P

Anyway, I am feeling slightly better this morning. Was extremely tired last night,and didn't make much conversation at dinner. I wish I had gone for the movie instead. I know, horrible of me to say that, but I think I would have enjoyed myself more. It's funny how all three steamboats felt really different. I think I drank more chrysanthemum tea last night than the actual food. haha, what can I say, Sharon's fried rice and her mum's excellent soup made the steamboat pale in comparison:D (now, this is a slight "pawing"...haha, but I really do think what I said is true:P)

It will probably be the last time I'll be seeing a few of them, but in a sense, I'm glad that we parted on friendly terms.

"Have fun in Korea!"

"Yes, I will:)"

But no, I will not be entertaining the thoughts of a four-month fling with a good-looking korean guy, nor will I be enticed into going for plastic surgery.

And once again, I am proven that I am quite a shallow person. When he turned up with his gf, I had to look away so as not to take a double look. People just do not look the way I expect them to! But at the end of last night, I knew that I could wish them all the happiness in the world, because I can sense the happiness between them. And I like how they were very comfortable in each other's presence:)Thank God!

another chapter has closed in my life, and I am looking forward to the next one.

haha, I am glad I managed to persuade ronnie, who is going to persuade yiwen to watch "My Name is Khan" with me:D (corrected!)

I dislike the constant anticipation of thinking I might see your name.

And it takes a lot for someone to come into my life and stay for long. I realize I am not one for commitment, unless it means something to me.

fragile moments

--

played badminton with the girls on friday, it was extremely fun:) I miss the adrenaline rush when you rally and smash the shuttle. Grace is such a gentle player while Sharon and I are kinda aggressive;)Anyway, so after that, I rushed home to shower and to make my way down to NTU for a second dental checkup. It was a tedious bus ride on 179, as there were so many students, and the bus took so long to make it to can b! paid another exorbitant amount for the dental. at least, the conversations were pretty amusing;)

after that, Yiwen and I went down to Yishun to chill out with Sharon. The coffee break at Starbucks was really awesome. Orange Honey Mocha is much better than its counterpart. And the company was lovely as well:) went on to purchase the 1664 beer that Sharon cannot forget. which reminds me that I shall have it for breakfast tmr:D and then I will have to run on the treadmill. haha

and on sat, the family went out for some light shopping at town. I finally bought my watch! haha, it's from Fossil, and I'm quite happy cause I have always wanted a watch from that shop, but it isn't a leather one..anyway, the family bonding time was great!

Sunday was amazing! My uncle donald and my dad went with us to church!! And as we sipped tea and coffee before going up for service, I told my dad how happy I was with him beside me. He smiled and said, "nice coffee". haha, so funny;)anyway, the speaker for that day was from Canada too, and it was quite a coincidence. (then again, nothing occurs by chance!) the sermon was about the gospel, and I felt that it was a simple yet clear message. I hope the seeds that were sown will start growing!:D

had steamboat as a family for dinner, to celebrate my grandpa and my jie's birthdays. and before that, I went down to my ahma's place a bit earlier to "teach" my two cousins Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice". It was very entertaining as we were just sharing about what the play was about and how we felt about the characters. So fun to just be able to talk about Shakespeare's plays with others:D

That is about it for the past week. And today is the start of another week. As we prepare to leave for Korea and Perth, the girls and I decided to take on a market survey job. and as Ronnie had to go to Joo Koon for another job, I was stranded in town. Conducting market survey alone can be entertaining yet super boring at the same time. I felt the happiest when I was observing Harris Bookstore and HMV. I am such a nerd:( Anyway, I had to stop myself from looking at the clothes in F21, if not I would have def. spent more that what I earned. Hopefully, tmr onwards, I will be more productive!

headed off to a proper lunch with Elaine - whom I have not seen in ages - and had lunch at Ichiban in PS. very good conversation and I was just very glad to talk to her. found out more about her life and arranged to meet a second time before Korea.

then, jie treated us to dinner at amk! second steamboat in the week. and realized that I will be having steamboat for a THIRD time this friday. the funny thing is grace is just telling me about her steamboat reunion...

haha, my sis just commented on how long my blog post is. I like how we are just able to sit side by side while doing our respective things, and conversing to each other:)

okay, I think I have put jay chou's song too many times on replay. woah. 17 times.

alright. this is the end of my really long post.

I know I am prone to thinking about questions like what will happen a few months down the road..but this time around, I am quite contented to just see how things go. I guess this time around, I am not really expecting anything.

treading around in circles

Of course we had to purchase the pretty drinks from the many vending machines in Japan:D The hot drinks were so comforting during the winter season


Somehow, I like this candid photo of me:)Weird pose with the leg as I was just walking on my own, but yeah.


Our first sight of snow falling from the night sky.


Family photo at the pretty famous Otaru Canel. Well, I was more interested in the surrounding sights


This was how heavy the snow was when we were at the Edo Wonderland. Imagine a snow thunderstorm, and you'll get the picture...


I miss the snowy playground with the pretty fairy lights


Asahi Beer Factory! The light taste and the extreme coldness of the beer made it very easy to finish a full glass of it.

Okay, that's about it for the recap of our trip to Hokkaido:)

Sometimes, the waiting can really be a distraction.

to be thankful in all circumstances:)

My days are passing by too fast for me to remember them. And a lot of things seem to have happened in just the past month. Sometimes I just wish things can be simple once more. I think I care too much about certain issues, and honestly, I have absolutely no idea how to resolve them. But! This is the time when I need to depend on Him, and just as He said once lovingly to Martha about how she has been "worried and anxious about many things when only one thing is necessary", I do believe it holds true for me too. The one thing that I need to do now is just to sit by His feet, and to walk on the path He has paved for me:)

So all that I can remember is cell group on sat, where we were really honest in sharing about our worries and our feelings. and pastor jac was just saying how we will grow old together, which sounded wonderful really=)

hanged out at my ahma's place for a while, and we received one of the best news ever! I was just washing the dishes when my grandma suddenly told me that she wants to go to church, and I was like stunned speechless before exclaiming to my godma about what I just heard. and apparently my grandma already asked my grandpa about it also, so in the end, my grandparents, uncle donald, and my two cousins will be joining us for church this sunday! Praise Jesus:D We'll continue to pray that they will really go for the service and be blessed by it.

spent the day reading "A Hundred Years of Solitude" today, and it is becoming a very interesting read! haha, am looking forward to reading more of the novel:)alright, that's it for the recap.

keep the faith

Our island is becoming increasingly international. I was having lunch with my mum on friday, and as were were conversing in chinese and english, I heard distinctly two other languages being spoken next to us. On our left, a group of Japanese ladies, and on our right, a Korean couple. It was interesting cause those are the two other languages that I've been wanting to learn.

Anyway, so in the end I post-poned the dinner with Charlene, as I didn't feel very well. had HOP this morning, and I enjoyed how we talked about various issues in the news, and prayed over NTU, and interceded for the other nations. haha, I am more motivated now to read the news and to have the wisdom of God!:)Knowledge is after all another skill for communication;)

travelled down to 313 @ Somerset to purchase a top. wanted to just zoom staight for the blue top and scram out of town. ended up browsing around cause I couldn't find my blue top. tried on a grey top that turned out too long, and randomly bought a pink shirt.

I have found my fave female tennis player! Justine Henin:D

okay, back to the Australian Open Finals. Live!

Jia you Henin!;)

The girls and I went to play tennis at the yck courts today! It's a huge thanksgiving because as I was telling them, it has been a dream of mine since our jc days. I think I kinda stressed myself a bit while playing. haha, wanted to keep the energy going. but! I really enjoyed myself, and the girls were awesome fun:D

I wonder how the Aust. Open went. I shall go check out the results now. okay, so Murray did win. hmmm...now, all that remains is for Federer to win the Australian Open.

It's a matter of the heart

There are some things that my hands remember when my mind does not.

Yesterday's HOP retreat went well:) Praise God! I went to church early in the morning at 9 for Pastor Steve C.'s "Understanding Buddhism" seminar, and can I just say how enriching the seminar was? God really used him to open our eyes to so many new revelations. I've learned so many interesting facts about Buddhism, that I just cannot wait to ask sharon about them:) Let's talk about your faith soon dear!haha

So we finished the seminar at about 4pm, and I joined Jen and Judith for the youth service. felt old sitting there, but still, I felt comfortable. It was great to have some really loud and fast worship songs once in a while. haha, and it was good hearing Michelle speak about prayer and healing. She really reminds me of her.

And as we proceeded to dinner and games for the HOP retreat, Nicole was just saying how it's good for us the older ones to participate in the lively and energy-consuming games of the youths. So we played electricity, whacko, charades and lots more..haha, it was really tiring, but very very fun:D

We had an enlightening discussion on the Great Commission during the prayer workshop led by Jeslyn. and we were just sharing what matthew 28:18-20 means to us personally. I shared of how I felt like God was asking me if I am ready to "make disciples". It's one thing to bring your friend to church, but it's really a whole new level to help them become disciples of Jesus. But that's why it's a good challenge to all of us. I believe God will help us to be willing and able to do what He wants:)

In the end, we had Macs for supper, and I slept for less than four hours, while some of the Hopers slept for less than two. haha, our eyes were like slits in the morning.

It was amusing because though I was asleep, I caught bits and pieces of conversations in the room. So it was during one of those in-out state of dreaming that I overheard this conversation:

"Sometimes you can find a person with all the qualities you like, but he ends up not being the right one..."

...slipped back into sub-conscious mode...

and woke up slightly to hear,

"...but sometimes the same qualities can be expressed or displayed differently in different people."

It was just a snippet of the conversation, but as I fell back into sleep, I remembered nodding my head slightly to agree with the two seemingly random statements.

turned out that the team continued the game of truth or truth, and everyone had a chance to "confess" about the same topic. and conversations after that were of the same issue. it was interesting because we are all of slightly different ages, and as they talked(I listened) about their personal feelings, I just felt very glad that all of us(including Shu Hui and I who were half-asleep) ended on the same conclusion. in the words of Amos, "We don't want to limit what God has in store for us, and whatever His will is, that is what we want." :)

It is not out of duty, or obligation that we desire His will for our lives, it is more of coming to a point in life where we just believe and know whole-heartedly that His plans are really the best plans for us.

--

Oh, one more thing, I am really thankful that my mum just shared with me how she learnt so much from today's sermon. Today's message was about the power in the name of Jesus. And she felt so encouraged by the message and she shared of how God really spoke to her about various aspects about her walk with Him. Praise Jesus!:D

Alright, I shall go back to my resume. It's tough writing a resume. Chinatown with the girls tomorrow!

Lord Jesus, be lifted up in our lives now and forevermore.

Pre-leaving

I have an hour more to go before meeting the girls:) And it's raining really heavily now, BUT! I believe everything will be fine later.

I've not been up to anything for these few days. Just resting at home, going out with the same few people(haha, I have very few friends), and trying to learn some korean.

It is Yiwen's 22nd birthday tmr, and I am once again reminded of how we are really growing up/older. To me, age is still just a number. But sometimes, you just have to admit that time really does make a difference. I'm never a person to look back and wish that I can re-live the past again. To me, the present is always the best time to live my life.

I was just mapping out the years ahead for Sharon and I really do think the next few years ahead will be significant and will pass by quickly. The many milestone events ought to give the illusion of accelerated time.

The pace in life has really slowed down to a crawl now. But I am still very grateful for the school-less days. ooh..this weekend will be pretty busy and exciting. HOP(House of Prayer) Retreat! haha, we're having a sleepover in church:D can't wait to tell the others that my personality type is the artist! haha, why am I so proud of this minor fact??:( I find it extremely amusing that Sharon is a nurturer. BUT! it's awesome isn't it? This way, the students she teaches will be nurtured for good:D I'm thankful for you Sharon!

and...Carol's an idealist! I wanted to be an idealist. but oh well..I guess I'm just born to be artistic:P anyway, I wonder what type of personality Grace has. Will go ask her to take the test. haha, I hope you are feeling better dear! I heard from Sharon that you stumbled upon this blog just like she did. So yes, now I have two readers?:)

Too close for comfort

Saturday was really a night of revelations. I firmly believe now that the more time you spend together with someone, the more you will know that someone. So it was with slight hesitation that I went with my family to the bbq. Apparently the theme for the night was alcohol. So the food was marinated and spiked with VSOP, Vodka, Tequila and Beer. Well, at least the food was good:0 And I realized Asahi Beer is the only beer that I can finish a whole can of.

anyway, we ate a bit, and the group split into two, the parents at one table, while the younger ones gathered at another table. So as we talked, and as I observed, I was able to pick up quite a lot from the mannerisms and the words of the rest. On hindsight, and even during the bbq, I was already thanking God for revealing so much to me. I felt a sense of relief when I knew he wasn't the right person.

I am very glad to say that I'm back on the right track, no more swaying for me! After the incident, I am all the more assured that I am not a person who can be distracted for long. And Thank God for BBTC. I love my church:D I felt so joyful and so very very glad I could stand in corporate worship today and the message was simple but very meaningful. There is always hope for the hopeless. And we believe not in hope itself, but rather, in our God of hope.

I was just sharing with my mum about how I feel when we return from Korea, everything that we know now might be changed in irrevocable ways. And she told me that not all change is bad, I agreed. I am right now looking forward to the changes, and very much ready to move on:)

Jesus, You must be lifted up. You must increase, and we decrease. Above all else, You must be the person we love the most. Nothing can compare to You, for everything falls short. So Lord, fill us with Your hope, and let us be delivered from all our fears and hopelessness. You are holy, therefore, let us be holy. 1 Peter 1:16

Why?

I think the only way for me to understand is in the light of faith. I mean if I think about it, didn't Jesus do the same for us? I didn't know Him until I was in sec three...and in those first few weeks of new-found belief, and slightly before that, I have already learnt and experienced the self-sacrificial and all-encompassing love of God. And even now, the blessings and favor of God are things I cannot even begin to comprehend. How can the Lord Almighty, the Creator of Heaven, Earth, and Life love me of all people, so deeply? Who am I that He has taken the time and effort to reach out to me? Who am I that He gave His only beloved son, His perfect son to die for me? I really don't know anything except that I don't deserve any of this love. But He reminds me that this is the beauty of Grace. Grace is something given to us when we don't deserve it, Grace cannot be earned.

God will not love me less or more by anything I can do or say. He will not love me more if I go on the treadmill at least three times a week. He will not love me less if I ultimately wake up late and skip the exercise. He will not love me more if I receive all As and A+s in school(Sure, He will be joyful along with me, but He won't suddenly become more proud of me as His child). He will not love me less if my grades slip a little(He will definitely not compare me with others, or even to the past grades I have gotten).

He knows every single thing that has happened and will happen in my life, and yet He still chose to send His son to the cross. Why? Simply because He is God and God is Love. He didn't want us to bear the punishment for our wrong-doings, He is a just God, and hence He gave up His son so that Jesus can pay the price for us.

Salvation is always depicted as a free gift. But you know what? It's only free for US(Us, not United States of America;)). God had to pay the price, a tremendous price. And Jesus had to bear the cost. The cost of sin, in order that we might have freedom.

And this is precisely the reason why we evangelize. I mean we can receive this gift and be joyful on our own. Why the extra need to go out and tell people about Jesus right? And end up being rejected 9 out of 10 times...It's awkward at times to ask my close friends to church, it is painful even when they try to give a a reason why they don't feel like coming to church. But I still want to try. Because of love. You may not believe in it, but because I believe in it, I have to do whatever it takes to tell you about it. And if Jesus can put up with the scornings of the people who He has created, if He can endure the whippings those soldiers gave Him, then I think He will help me to deal with the small set-backs in my life.

I pray that one day, all who know me, will be able to see me for who I really am. Nowadays, whenever I go to church, I can't help but think how wonderful it will be if my loved ones can experience this joy with me. In any case, I will keep on believing.

We cry out Your name, our God of Grace.

Lessons on the T941

I woke up at 8am this morning to go on the treadmill. Crazy yeah.

Anyway, I played a hillsongs cd, and just ran on the treadmill while listening to the worship songs. Halfway through the run, I wanted to stop after 20mins, but I kept reminding myself that I have to make it past 30 mins, cause that's when fats are officially being burned. anyway, I realized that running auto-pilot doesn't work for me, meaning that I can't keep my mind blank, cause it's actually more tiring for me. haha. so what works the best for me is to just reflect and think about a lot of things. I ended up having a prayer walk/run on the treadmill.

I learnt that being on the treadmill is a lot like faith. It's super hard to get myself motivated to go on the treadmill at times, and it seems so daunting. but the moment I start walking, I realize it's not so bad afterall, and I'm being healthy! haha, also, sometimes when I get really tired, and the perspiration starts to pour down my face, I'll be thinking to myself how hard running is. And it's like how we run this race called our lives, and at times, it's really tough. But just like how I keep reminding myself about the satisfaction I'll get when I reach for the cold can of 100 plus at the end of the run, so will we be completely contented, and rewarded when we go to heaven:)

also, this really funny thing happened on the treadmill. I was just holding the bars to get a reading of my heartbeat, and it was steadily increasing from 70 plus beats to 80 plus. then a random thought of him flitted across my mind, and the heartbeat rate shot up to 110 plus. and I was like what?? You mean the whole nonsense about your heart racing when you think of someone can actually be true?? the most amusing thing was when I began to next think of His love for me, the heartbeat rate rose dramatically to 130 plus! haha, so my conclusion was,

I may like him, but I love You more:)

haha. Interesting no?

So, I will receive whatever You have planned for me, and I will do so with joy and peace in my heart.

It's not wrong to like your qualities, but if it's just your qualities, and not your person also, then am I being superficial? But your qualities make you who you are right?

Jean isn't Jean if __________

I hope the answer is "if she does not have Jesus".

It was just a random thought, as the person cooking noodles at j8 asked me if I am a local after a short conversation. So I walked home after that and I was just thinking if it's because my chinese sounds different or because I am just too dark. then the next thing that came into my mind was well..I won't be me if I am not dark. Which led me to think of this constant hope that my life and person will be defined by the presence of God. That when people think or talk about me, they will think and talk about Jesus:D

haha. What characterizes your life or your person?:) I think this is a very personal but significant question to ask and to answer.

in any case, we settled the dorm fees today, and we are hoping that at the end of everything, we won't need to pay too much money. I believe we can do it! Live simply and happily without being too concerned about money issues:) I feel excited thinking about how we the school buds will draw closer to each other during the exchange!

and we met Charlene today at amk! I was so glad to see her:D Thank God! As fashionable as ever, but a little tired looking to me (must be due to the recent A Levels). But, she still has that aggressive way of hugging. haha, weird choice of word, but yeah, I still love the hugs she gives:) am making plans to meet her and lynard for lunch next week. hope that will turn out well! I just realized she is 20 this year, and we are 22 now.

I know a lot will change this year, and though I am a little hesitant, I do want to learn to embrace all the exciting plans He has in store for us:)

called the cryptic one just now, and I was telling her how I believe we are not the type of people who will run away when she wants to share. rather, we are the ones who will buy a nice cup of coffee and listen to all she has to say. so whenever she's ready.

on a last note,we ended off service last sunday with this worship song, "Be Magnified, O Lord", and I was just struck by how the lyrics reflected everything in my heart.


I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me;
I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me.But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

CHORUS:

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

I have leaned on the wisdom of men
O Lord, forgive me;
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

I have been troubled over a couple of issues. well, mainly about the korean language learning issue, and my subtle need for people's approval. So as I was just waiting for Sharon at the mrt station,I still did not experience the peace of God about the two issues. I was just too concerned about what I felt, and what I thought. I closed my eyes, listened to the music, and just prayed, and prayed.

Now, as I sit here, I feel like a burden has just been lifted off of me. I am able to see clear answers on what to do about the two issues. it will take a while more to test out whether the second issue is completely resolved, but I am just glad that I don't have to be anxious anymore. because the word of God says in phil 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And also, jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'.

So, I am not going to place God in a box of my own, and think that He is unable to bless and provide for me. I believe with God, everything is possible:)

Lord, let my heart desire what You desire for me, and let me turn away from what is wrong in Your eyes. Amen.

All is not Lost

We read the following poem in Contemporary Literature once. I was impressed then, but as I read the words again this afternoon, I felt almost awe-struck. There's this simple brilliance to the emotions captured in the poem, and I felt like I had a closer glimpse into the depth of the words.

The poem is really beautiful. Trust me, I can never do poetry, and it takes a lot to make me understand or appreciate poetry. But throughout the years, I have clung on to one basic belief, and that is, if the poem touches your heart, then it is good poetry. You may not know a single thing about the rhyme scheme, the rhythm, even the message of the poem, but if the words on the page move you enough to inspire you, then poetry has achieved its purpose.

And this afternoon, Galway Kinnell did that for me.

I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe and happy in this world, I do not know what will happen in the future, but what matters is the present. What matters is now. We will all fade away someday, but for now, let us enjoy living our lives to the fullest, to the best that we can. :)

That is a simplistic re-working of one of the many messages in the poem.

All that can be said is already written down exceptionally in the poem, I cannot say more.

Little Sleep's-Head Sprouting Hair in the Moonlight

1

You scream, waking from a nightmare.

When I sleepwalk
into your room, and pick you up,
and hold you up in the moonlight, you cling to me
hard,
as if clinging could save us. I think
you think
I will never die, I think I exude
to you the permanence of smoke or stars,
even as
my broken arms heal themselves around you.

2

I have heard you tell
the sun, don't go down, I have stood by
as you told the flower, don't grow old,
don't die. Little Maud,

I would blow the flame out of your silver cup,
I would suck the rot from your fingernail,
I would brush your sprouting hair of the dying light,
I would scrape the rust off your ivory bones,
I would help death escape through the little ribs of your body,
I would alchemize the ashes of your cradle back into wood,
I would let nothing of you go, ever,

until washerwomen
feel the clothes fall asleep in their hands,
and hens scratch their spell across hatchet blades,
and rats walk away from the cultures of the plague,
and iron twists weapons toward the true north,
and grease refuses to slide in the machinery of progress,
and men feel as free on earth as fleas on the bodies of men,
and lovers no longer whisper to the presence beside them in the
dark, O corpse-to-be ...

And yet perhaps this is the reason you cry,
this the nightmare you wake screaming from:
being forever
in the pre-trembling of a house that falls.

3

In a restaurant once, everyone
quietly eating, you clambered up
on my lap: to all
the mouthfuls rising toward
all the mouths, at the top of your voice
you cried
your one word, caca! caca! caca!
and each spoonful
stopped, a moment, in midair, in its withering
steam.

Yes,
you cling because
I, like you, only sooner
than you, will go down
the path of vanished alphabets,
the roadlessness
to the other side of the darkness,

your arms
like the shoes left behind,
like the adjectives in the halting speech
of old men,
which once could call up the lost nouns.

4

And you yourself,
some impossible Tuesday
in the year Two Thousand and Nine, will walk out
among the black stones
of the field, in the rain,

and the stones saying
over their one word, ci-gît, ci-gît, ci-gît,

and the raindrops
hitting you on the fontanel
over and over, and you standing there
unable to let them in.

5

If one day it happens
you find yourself with someone you love
in a café at one end
of the Pont Mirabeau, at the zinc bar
where white wine stands in upward opening glasses,

and if you commit then, as we did, the error
of thinking,
one day all this will only be memory,

learn,
as you stand
at this end of the bridge which arcs,
from love, you think, into enduring love,
learn to reach deeper
into the sorrows
to come – to touch
the almost imaginary bones
under the face, to hear under the laughter
the wind crying across the black stones. Kiss
the mouth
which tells you, here,
here is the world. This mouth. This laughter. These temple bones.

The still undanced cadence of vanishing.

6

In the light the moon
sends back, I can see in your eyes

the hand that waved once
in my father's eyes, a tiny kite
wobbling far up in the twilight of his last look:

and the angel
of all mortal things lets go the string.

7

Back you go, into your crib.

The last blackbird lights up his gold wings: farewell.
Your eyes close inside your head,
in sleep. Already
in your dreams the hours begin to sing.

Little sleep's-head sprouting hair in the moonlight,
when I come back
we will go out together,
we will walk out together among
the ten thousand things,
each scratched too late with such knowledge, the wages
of dying is love.

from The Book of Nightmares by Galway Kinnell
Copyright © by Galway Kinnell

This is Art at its best.

Your approval is what matters

It feels awfully weird not to have anything to do for consecutive days. I was just thinking of what I have to do tomorrow, and the next thought that came into my mind is, 'Nothing.' Yeah..I have nothing to do now except work on the admin stuff for Korea.

Dorm is almost settled, Visa is done, airfare will soon be booked, insurance is selected...course-matching is the problematic one for now. Oh,and we need to learn Korean. Fast.

I realized I will miss talking to my mum. so I told her to learn how to use the webcam.

And I really like sitting on the kitchen counter top and taking some time to reflect.

Somehow, I have experienced that it is only when you focus on others that your own difficulties start to fade away.

I want Your light in this life.

I was a little confused, but I'm alright now. I think I understand. I still prefer the simple, uncomplicated way of living:)

only one way to go - UP!

2010 is off to a shaky start, but! This year will be an up year, as we are living on the victorious side!:D

A lot has happened since 2009, and it has only been four days! My mum went for her first cataract removal operation today, so I had to rush down to the hospital to pick her up just now. It was quite different going to the hospital to pick up my mum...felt like I was in a scene of a medical drama where the family member of a patient rushes into the ward. anyway, visa application today was smooth!:) lunch was good too, and I like how at ease we were with each other:)

anyway, so I am currently in relaxed mood cause the holidays are still here, but then I am thrown into a whirlwind of things I need to do. activity is good I guess...

It was an interesting msn conversation, and it reminded me of what the girls shared during the sleepover on the 30th. very honest conversations. I like:)

and fb is really something new for me. I really have no idea how to work at it, and I am just going to ignore it unless something crops up. I can't believe I made an attempt to upload the pics from Turkey and I am actually quite surprised to see the new photos and comments...but! not my thing...oh well. I'll try!

a bit tired already. will go look for more courses to match for PNU.

I think I know myself quite well to some extent...

...the feelings really do fade with time and absence.