I can't believe it. What on earth are our professors doing teaching classes like ours?? They should be out there in the field and being valued more than now! Okay fine, I mean I'm sure they are all recognised and valued by specialists in the same field, but still!

See the thing is, I just chanced upon the website on how people actually get their MA(Master in Arts) and their PhD(Doctor in Philosphy), and it's just really over-whelming.

here's the snippet:

Period of Candidature


Full-time candidates: minimum 2 years and maximum 5 years;
Part-time candidates: minimum 2 years and maximum 7 years.


Entry Requirements-


A good Master's degree in either English Literature or a relevant field from a recognised university;

Demonstrated ability to pursue research in the candidate's proposed field of advanced study. Candidates should include with their application a research proposal in which they outline what they intend to study and why they intend to do so, together with a sustained justification of their chosen methodology. Length: 2,500-3,000 words.

A PhD candidate is required to complete six courses approved by his/her supervisor, to attend all designated events, to pass a confirmation exercise (at a stage between 1 and 2 years of beginning research), to submit a dissertation of between 75-85,000 words and to take part in an oral defence.

http://www.ntu.edu.sg/HSS/english/courses/graduateprograms/Pages/DoctorofPhilosophy.aspx (I hope I won't be sued, haha)

did you all see that?

the insane amount of work people have to put in to get a PhD, and apparently all professors need to get at least a PhD right?

and honestly, when I think of how prof. wagner got hers at Cambridge, I just want to go up to her and say, "it's been really hard on you".

I guess they prob. love what they are doing so much that they want to pursue it to the end. such endurance really.

anyway, some good news, I know, the news these days have been quite serious and shocking, but we shall just move away and think about the lighter stuff for now. Teachers can receive an immediate pay of at least $5000 after training! haha, money's not that impt. but it's good that MOE and the society are valuing teachers more!=)

that's about it. I just wanted to blog about the PhD part. haha.

cheers!~

我的天啊!

I have only TWO more days to complete my 2008's resolutions. haha

How am I going to dance in the rain and lie down on a nice patch of green grass in time before the year runs out?

and metaphorically just doesn't work. and I just realised, I have yet to try the dark cherry mocha frap. that yiwen says is really good. my my. what on earth have I been doing? haha, I have missed out so much! nah, I'm just rambling. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out how to achieve my resolutions.

though I have much to give thanks for this year, I'm not sure if I'm going to post my reflections this year. maybe a belated one, but for the next two days, I don't think it's going to happen. but I'm quite sure next year's going to be awesome=)

my dears，是时间穿上我们的跳舞鞋子了!:)

for the valleys and the mountains, though we can't dance our way through all stages of our life, but let us try to keep the joy of dancing as our attitude for the year ahead=)

thanks for the love in 2008,and remember to bring it forward to 2009 kay? haha, I'll try to increase my capacity to love come january 2009!;)

Christmas at home - 2008~

"Healer" Lyrics
by Hillsong | from the album This Is Our God


You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in you
I trust in you

I believe
You're my healer
I believe
You are all i need
I believe
You're my portion
I believe
You're more than enough for me
Jesus, you're all i need

Nothing is impossible for you
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hands

Here's my pox-inspired post.=)

So after a thrilling week in HK(more details later) I felt a little feverish on the flight back. and cause of turbulence, I wasn't even able to get some water to take my fever pills. but really, that night I experienced again what it means when we say worship has healing properties. I was just sitting there in my small seat next to the window, and I just started praying, and worship songs just started to play in my mind, and I just sat there and sang the snippets of songs I could remember. I remember very clearly I started off with Jesus, Lover of my soul, and when I moved on to Healer(the song above), I just felt something stir within me, and I had this joy and peace in my heart that I know He was healing me there and then already. And as I sang the words, "I believe You're my Healer, I believe that You are all I need", I truly believed, and the next moment, as I leaned my head against the window, I saw many many stars blanketing the dark space outside, and for that while, I was just in awe. I really didn't know what to say, at first I was shocked cause I didn't think we would be able to see stars on board a plane, but really, the stars were beautiful. and I just knew that God, the creator of Heaven and earth, the One who knows each star by name was holding me at that time, and He will never let me go.

the past week has been quite something:)just as grace said, instead of a white christmas, I got a red merry chrismas instead. at first I was really shocked that I had to spend my next two weeks at home, and I faced some anxiety over the many many spots over my face and body. haha, I tell you, when you get chicken pox, there's a higher chance of you passing out from starvation rather than the pox itself. cause there's SO MANY things you can't eat. things like chicken, seafood, things with black sauce, peanuts, eggs, garlic, beans...and lots more.

haha. crazy right? at first I was like okay, I shall keep to the list, then gradually as the week progressed, I was like okay, I'm past the stage of caring. so just eat some prohibited food. Chocolate! I'm not allowed to eat chocolate too! haha, that's the worst, I snuck some chocolate into my diet before my mum reminded me again that apparently chocolate causes the spots of the face to remain black. darn. so I am sad to say, even my chocolates are confiscated. nah, I just can't touch them. sigh. haha.

but really thank God, cause the people around me have really been very supportive and I'm very glad for you guys!haha, thanks dears for cheering me up through calls and messages=)

and even though I didn't get to spend christmas in church, I am glad I can always celebrate Christmas, cause I will always have Christ:)and it's quite a miracle really, cause on hindsight, I've already done all that I normally would do on Christmas. I went to check out the lights at orchard, took photos at the annual christmas tree gathering at taka, had an early christmas at hongkong's Disneyland(white christmas!), managed to drink toffeenut latte, and I was able to spend time with most of my family members and friends..honestly, I've been very very blessed:)

overall, it's been an unexpected holiday fraught with unexpected events and happenings, but a really good one indeed. oh, and one last thing, all glory to God for my As and Bs for last semester!haha, especially for my 207 module which I've blogged tons about=) indeed, Your faithfulness never ends. I'll continue to try my best for You Lord, and I'm glad that I can share of Your goodness to us all this past 2008. You've been an awesome God through it all!Love You:)

The photo we took on Tuesday - Lao Beijing, P.S, 2008.


I remember we remarked on how we looked like we were having a family reunion lunch. It felt really nice to just sit down there and eat with one another, to exchange snippets of our lives. Not deep, life-changing stuff; just simple lunch conversations. We ended up talking in chinese(or attempting to..) for the rest of the time spent together. Family:)

Like stars~

Grace and I both agreed that we're in a world of our own. or perhaps it's just me. haha. holidays are meant for shopping and slacking around, but I end up being more interested in browsing around in bookstores and accumulating books to read. currently, I have 3 books and one manga to read. and I've started on all four texts. brilliant aye? haha. and seriously, the semester has just ended but we are immediately thrown into the need to make decisions about our next semester's courses. and so we end up planning again our schedule and reading up on the content of courses and thinking of what modules are suitable. and honestly, 226-approaches to drama looks really tough. but, there's Stoppard! ;)

anyway, it's really weird to read blogs of other people whom you used to be friends with, but now are completely estranged. I just decided to check out one such blog as she had the address written out on her msn nick. to tell you the truth, after reading some snippets of the blog, I felt like I had no idea who she is, it felt like I was reading a stranger's blog. and after glancing at her pictures, I know that even if I pass her on the streets, I will probably not register it's her at all. well, I guess it's what my dad says, "C'est la vie" .

ooh. and this past week has been really awesome! haha, went out with sharon on monday, had a dim sum lunch with the cell group girls on tuesday(it's great to have lea and georgie back with us!), the snow white musical on tues with the school buds, and hitting town with grace yesterday. the lights are kinda pretty after a while=D and we ended up really engrossed in the manga section of kinokuniya, and checking out the different additions to the ones we read, watched this really random movie starring drew barrymore and andy garcia, which turned out to be not too bad at all. haha. at the start of the movie, we were both seriously regretting the choice of movie cause it was quite ridiculous, and it's really something we will never watch willingly. haha. but not bad, quite funny and I like the german shepherd in the movie:)

will post the pictures of the past days when I have them. haha, will message jen and grace later. oh, grace, if you see this, SEND THE NICE PICTURES you took with your Olympus!

and not surprisingly, I had this really bad headache this morning at like 5 am. I guess it's the busy days and late nights. seriously, the accumulation from one school semester really hits me after the exams. haha, but all's well now!

going over soon to my ahma's place. there's going to be or-mee! absolutely like it;)

alright. jumbled post. but a rough sketch of what I've been doing since the holidays started.

Father, pick me up, and help me stand where I've fallen. You know my weaknesses, but Lord, I know how Your strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And indeed, Your grace will always be sufficient for us. I commit my holidays and my next semester into Your hands Lord. Help us to shine for You!=)

Stone; not Sand~

One last thing, I just chanced upon sammie's blog, and this sentence really "cracked" me up:"if the world were to be thrown into chaos one day (actually, it kind of looks like it's heading towards that)". I totally agree with how at the end of it all, As don't quite matter. but rather, it's what we do with our lives now. and yes, I'd much rather be studying the bible too;)

but the reason why I just had to quote sammie is because one of the lit texts we did last semester talked about the chaos. Chaos theory in Arcadia by Tom Stoppard. it just made me realise that indeed the world is spiralling towards chaos, and we are really just getting "disorder out of disorder into disorder". and that is when I realise, that secular texts actually have openings for us to link it to His word. precisely because literature texts(probably psychology, science, math...texts too)reflect or attempt to help us to understand certain truths in our lives, we are able to read them and understand how the issues look like under the light of our faith. and honestly, there is chaos all around, but we are still more than able to dance; to dance on this mountaintop, to see His kingdom come. because afterall, it is pretty calm in the eye of the storm no? the chaos is all around us, and it may shake us up a bit, but let our foundations be strong and right, so that when the winds blow, when the waters rise, this house of God will not fall.

Father, You are our refuge, our strong tower, our very present help in times of need. Let us hide in Your shelter; take comfort in Your resting place.

P.S- it's extremely interesting to see how sammie said the exact same thing Stoppard tries to say in his play. perhaps sammie, you have read Arcadia before?;)

It's weird. It's like we are here, and we are the ones who haven't changed much. sometimes I wonder if time and space really affect people that much. I guess we won't really know unless we experience it ourselves. it's honestly kinda strange, cause it's like people have gone through so much on their own, and yet some of us only have deceptively simple differences to show for what has happened over the past months.

and more and more, I see how we speak the things we don't want to, and the words which we want to mean are lost in expression.

we focus on our minute lives because that's the only thing we can do. and that is the only thing we are called to do. to pick up our own crosses, and leave the rest to Him. and even though it may seem that we can't do much, I believe our prayers make a difference.

anyway, today was nice=D just what I needed. a spicy thai lunch,some light shopping, stocking up of school supplies, games, and coversations over desserts. thanks sharonny!(is this yiwen's name for you?haha).

sometimes, just sometimes, I realise the need for the music in life. and I learn to appreciate it a little more each time.

writing my papers~

Strangely enough, I'm bored on the first day of my much-awaited holidays.

There were so many times during the past three weeks when I just wanted to come online and type all that I wanted to. But I was just kept from doing so, I guess I couldn't really formulate what I really wanted to say. Honestly, the past three weeks have been really really long. 5 papers in 21 days. Now that I don't face the prospect of taking hour-long train rides, I feel that there's something missing. As weird as it sounds, I am actually contemplating taking the train one of these days, from one end to the other just for the sake of it.

Anyway, I guess I will do a review of this semester's exams. not for an update, cause I probably spilled all the good parts to many of you already, but for the sake of reminiscing, I shall put the experience down into words, or what I can remember for now.

Public organisation exam was relatively fine, just a lot of unexpected questions which the prof. didn't ask us to prepare for, so I just ended up creating nonsense on the spot. that's for the short-answer qns, for the essay, I really thought hard and long for the points I wanted to write. so it was a pretty good paper. as for bus. law, well, I've never felt more out of place. my pen ink couldn't flow well, my handwriting became like a mess of scrawling(from the start of the paper to the end), and I had no idea where to copy from. haha. everyone around me were like frantically taking information from their own notes and the textbooks, and I was just sitting down there thinking if I can include some of the points from the book. and I was even thinking whether I should include in-text citation (I did btw). so yeah, the experience was unusual, but alright I guess. the passages were quite fun to read on hindsight. Not grey's anatomy, but can do.

well, the most exceptional and astounding exam of the lot was really my 207-contemporary lit paper. my first lit paper in six months, and hence, completely mis-judged the time. haha, thought I had an extra half-hour. but really, the adrenaline that washes over you when you realise you have only 15 mins to write a 33m essay which needs 45 mins to make it decent, is kinda remarkable. for a moment there, I froze, and everything went blank(typical), then my hand stared moving rapidly across the lines. seriously, I had no time to think at all what my ink-filled pages would contain. it felt like a race to put as many words down on the page before time runs out. quite a bad strategy really, I should have at least made some clear ideas rather than pure rambling. but! after soaking this paper in prayer, the word, sharings with friends, I now view the experience as something quite worthwhile. I have faith the size of a mustard seed(or maybe two) regarding the results, but really, even though I know I could have done much better, but it's a paper I really won't forget. and for that, it's quite something. maybe it'll be one of those things I'll remember at the end of our four years. "Remember that time in year two, where I scribbled an essay in 15min and had to join in the extermination of a bag load of ants afterwards?" "Yeah..We remember it..that was quite an event huh?"

alright..I confess. Nowadays, I keep thinking of what's going to happen 2 and a half years later. the future awes me I guess.

anyway, to cut the long story short(sounds familiar?;)), 209- southeast asian lit and 223-american lit went rather well. just that I was pretty disappointed our respective tutors didn't turn up as invigilators. quite a let-down really. less distraction, but what a half-hearted conclusion to the semester. but interestingly enough, for my last paper, I had Ms Mona Chew, one of our previous yj's econs teachers as one of our invigilators. so amusing to have her walk up and down in the aisle beside me, it felt so familiar. and my apology to prof. sim when he collected the papers felt like I was saying sorry for not being able to do well for his module despite his efforts. and thanks, for the experience nonetheless.

and so, our revels now are ended. haha, quoting from sharon, who quoted from beckett, who quoted from shakespeare.

our world is one of inter-textuality.

so, please yue me out this holidays! haha, but I might decide to be an introvert and stay at home. don't feel much like socialising this time round. so probably, I'll meet up with just the close ones=)

right. I want my book and my manga. why oh why is Banville so hard to find? and I want my Stoppard too. Borders it is then.

Still, Thank You lots for the many many blessings You've given all through this while. I've made many mistakes, but Your love has covered them all. so a brilliant Hallelujah to You Lord! Be Magnified Lord; Be Glorified.

Despedir~

With a wink of the eye, the third semester in Ntu is finished. (three down, five more to go!)

But, I will miss the intriguing lectures on mondays, the grey skies and long days on tuesdays, the 50% free wednesdays, the american thursdays, and even the traveling on the fridays.

Ignore me. I'm just going to do a review on my most recent semester.

HA 201:

this course was a really random choice. sharon and I just had to have a fifth module and all the other courses were full. so in the end, we ended up selecting this, though we had completely no idea what the course was all about. and I remember that after the first lecture, I felt like I was thrown back into the economics days in yj. the technical facts about public organisations were just too much. It was on par with the difficulty of applying law. But as the weeks went by, I really found myself enjoying learning about the way public administrators work and the difficulties they face. and the movie Thirteen Days was absolutely fantastic=)so yes, great choice sharon, thanks!

MB 107:

this course came highly recommended by shu hui. and though we complained endlessly about the difficulties about this course, and how we really had to SU it, I still don't regret taking it. I wouldn't say I have passion for this course, but I feel that it has been a good one after it all. interesting to note the rights we have, and the way law can be applied to all aspects of life. and tan peng kwee was really quite an entertaining lecturer. His jokes started out lame, but carried on to be pretty amusing. so yes, this business law module has been an eye-opener, and I'm glad we took it. :)

HL 223:

American Lit! well, there's so much to say about this course! we learnt lots from prof. andrew, about the Harlem Renaissance, Transcendentalism from Emerson to Thoreau, death and violence in Emily Dickinson's poetry, captitalism in Chopin, racism in Twain, German expression in O'Neill, chinese myths and the lives of chinese-americans in Tripmaster Monkey, and of course, the differences between modernism and post-modernism. prof. andrew has been a great teacher, sarcastic, but takes a lot of effort in preparing for his lessons. expects a little too much from us, but oh well, who doesn't? besides, his stumbling over words and his ability to sing are things worth remembering and really he has taught us much.

HL 209:

haha, by now, my hands are getting a little tired, and we've still got two more modules to go! anyway, 209 turned out to be a huge surprise. prof. koh started the module explaining about the history of south-east asia, and it really was quite dry. but as the lectures carried on,she really inspired me to increase my general knowledge and even my knowledge of the Word! haha, cause some of the texts we went through included references to the Bible. so yes, the lectures were really helpful;) and even though I can't quite connect with the prof., but I've always felt that she deserves our respect. and I really do admire her as a lecturer. oh, and some of the texts are really fun to read. well, mainly Letters from Thailand. and I am really quite sad that we probably won't be taught by prof. koh again. but, all the best to her!

HL 207:

=). haha. I can't help smiling when I think of the unexpected turn in events. I was just reading through random blog posts of mine and I saw the very first post commenting on the first 207 lecture. haha, I shall not quote myself, but basically, I remember saying that the whole lecture resulted in my passion for lit. being drained away, and how I will probably not think or reflect on what I'll learn in lessons outside of school. and look what happened. seriously, I've never talked more about lit. and I've never reflected more about what I've learned in lit. the texts we've gone through have been awesome(what with Tom Stoppard's Arcadia, UBL, and Banville), and of course, not to mention, the tutors we have for this course;) haha, prof. murphy has really exceeded expectations, and honestly, so have ching and jeremy. I am really quite thankful I managed to attend one of jeremy's lessons. hearing him speak of what he loves is quite splendid. and ching has very insightful opinions about the many texts. at the end of the day, 207 has got to be my fave module, and I'm really glad we took it:) heh. just by comparing the amt. of words I have typed for each module is enough to realise which I favour more. haha, well, I don't deny my bias-ness=D

that's it for my review, and for the next three weeks, blog posts will prob. centre around the studying for exams.

haha, or maybe not.

Thank You Lord, for the amazing semester and for all the wonderful things You have done for us!it's been a very meaningful journey=)

words in ink

Seriously, wordpress hates me. My comments are either considered as spam, or the website tells me that me comments are duplicated, and that I have already said it before. and it was my first time posting the comment!

haha.

anyway, I have to get back to my essay, but after reading sharon's blog, I just had to comment on how greatly our essay scripts differed. honestly, it was really amusing to see all the blue lines and words on her script. there was this particular page where it looks as though neil murphy drew a math diagram in blue on the page. haha, I could really see the pattern of the image. and as compared to that, ching's comments look like he was slumped over on the bed and he scrawled out a few lines of comments in red ink. haha. it really looks like he marked my essay at like 2am in the morning.

and yes, I just want to say THANK YOU to all those people who have prayed with and over me for the peace of God for this essay. Strangely enough, this essay meant quite a lot to me, and even though I know there are much much more impt things, but I just wanted to do well for this. and ever since ching said he would return to us the essays(two weeks ago), it has been bugging me. but thank God! I really felt very comforted that I had Him with me as I collected the paper. even though sharon said she could feel the anticipation radiating from me, I felt quite collected about it, esp. when I was sifting through the stack of papers for mine in ching's office alone.

well. that's that, and let's move on!

haha. one last day tmr for american lit!

oh, and the thing about reading through your own essays after receiving them back is quite surprising. Somehow, the words seem unfamiliar, and I'm not really sure I recall typing those words and those ideas..

last day of the second last week.

I'm watching the days go by, and trying to hold on to them.

one more essay and article to go. four more classes and school's out for the sem.

well. nothing much happened today. another round of debates. which was more useful cause we talked about the seasian texts and authors.

and dropped off the essays for 209. I went into prof. koh's office for like ten seconds and all I saw was books upon books. like the shelves covered the walls and there's like hardly an inch of bare white wall. I honestly think professors' offices reflect their personalities. how I wish I can have my own space like that and to decorate it any way I want to. :)

and I still laugh to myself whenever I see the Allswell advertisement. and the sequel too.

oh and yes, my uncle david is buying back rice wine from korea for me!=)haha. and my uncle donald who migrated to canada for 20 years now is coming back in nov. for another visit.

20 years is really quite a long time. once in a few years he'll come back to visit us..and sometimes it can get really awkward cause I won't know what to say. but this time round, I'm really going to pray that he will feel most welcomed and that we'll just be able to talk and fellowship without being uncomfortable=)

I wonder if there's any lit texts which talk about the feelings of asians who have migrated overseas and come back to visit their homeland and family..prob. but we haven't really read any of it yet..

hmmm. I hope to

last lecture for 209~

生日快乐!

haha. today marks officially the first year of my love-at-christmas.

and it was a long tuesday in school today as usual. and the main reason why I came to blog is because I wanted to say how much I will miss prof. koh and her lectures. I mean it's kinda weird cause it's not like I am really close to her or anything, but somehow, I just really like her. it's a strange feeling. I don't remember being so upset about other professors who have already left us. why is it that professors here are like here for one or two semesters and they'll pack up their bags and leave?

first it was prof kenneth chan, then prof quigley, and now prof. koh. and the thing is, we're just getting warmed up to the lessons! sigh.

and apparantly buddy is right. there's no privacy on the net. it's like today prof. koh was telling us how she chanced upon a student's blog and it so happens that the student was blogging about her. well.

anyway, today's 207 lesson left me feeling quite guilty and burdened. sigh. why was I staring so intently at my notes?? I guess I just don't feel comfortable as of yet to look people in the eye. I remember I used to be able to just look at others while we talk, but now I seem to be more "interested" in glancing down and fixing my eyes to the side of the faces of people who are close to me. I feel so scrutinised. and I feel like I stare too much. haha. I honestly say that I stare not because I am staring, but rather, when I am listening intently, I have this look that passes off as staring. sheez. why am I explaining myself?

haha. it's the overflow of the guilt. but no worries! I'll be guilt-free in just a while!haha. romans 8:1- there is now NO CONDEMNATION in Christ Jesus.

how I miss the way SP would teach that over and over again on sundays. kinda like how ms. aminah used to drill economic theories into our heads. but of course SP does it in a non-intimidating mode.

that's about it for my ranting. perhaps I'll edit it later. till then!

on wings like eagles~

I can't get started properly on my 223 essay, so I shall just take a break and type out what I've learnt in church yesterday=)

Being a true Disciple in the midst of Storms.

that was the topic. and I was really glad for the teaching. for the past weeks, the winds have been blowing and the waters have been rising, and it was quite dis-heartening for me.

but the word on sunday just reminded me that we just need to call on God for His peace, wisdom, and favour when storms come. and no matter how strong the storms of life are, our God is way stronger:)we just need to get our foundations right by anchoring our lives on the rock of our salvation.

2 Peter 1:3-4(He has given us EVERYTHING we need in life!)

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.


and when SP led us into a time of praying down on our knees with our chairs as our personal altars of worship and surrender, I just knelt there and told Him that I really want so dearly to be close to Him and to have a much deeper relationship with Him.

1 Peter 5:7-( I just really clung on to this verse, and cast down all my anxieties at the foot of the cross)

7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


I believe it's time to cross over to the other side.

Time to hold firmly onto His hands and to go through the storms.

Father, I want to know more and more about the One who holds my hand in this race that I run.

and I know, that by faith and Your grace, we will soar with You above the storms and we will rise above the floods in our lives.

Nahum 1:7-

7 The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in Him

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood,
And I will be still and know You are God.

near the end~

Two or three weeks near the end of every school semester, I would always be a wreck. The time when the weeks are crammed with essays and tests is the time when I start to get crankier than usual. Lots of things just occur either simultaneously or back-to-back, which leaves me feeling highly miserable. okay, perhaps my choice of words is a little too harsh, but I really am not my best during these times. and right now, I'm stuck here in that time of year again.

I shall not blog about the times when I have been upset nor the times when I feel like throwing everything down and just do nothing.

anyway, when this time of year comes round, the lectures and tutorials get a bit unusual too. we don't really know when's our last sessions so the mood's pretty tensed and weird. like the inevitable(sharon's current fave word) end is near, but we're not quite sure when exactly it will be. and the mad rush to wrap things up is crazy really.

and I'm still quite puzzled and troubled over yesterday's 209 tutorial. I thought we were having a review, but we ended up having a debate over which fictional character should be voted "protaganist of the year". and so there were characters like sherlock holmes, mr. spock, dracula, jean grey, woody, nancy drew...I ended up choosing Velutha from the god of small things. cause the text has been in my mind ever since the school buds talked about it. but not many people in the class knew about him. anyway, I got knocked out by dracula which was represented by joseph. haha. and geraldine told me to choose another character. so I thought really hard cause my brain wasn't working, and in the end came up with brilliant Captain Jack Sparrow. Which incidentally brought me into the finals of the debate, to be up against of all characters, Barbie.

I tell you, the results came up to a draw, but in the end I myself voted for Barbie. cause you know what, she managed to link up Barbie with an argument that Barbie can lead us to utopia. haha. and how the toy is more than a toy and it represents a unification of all women throughout the world. and how it is an international icon recognised by almost everyone..and some other things which I forgot.

halfway through my debate(we had a few rounds), I couldn't think of what to say about the captain, so I just ended up saying, "well..he's captain jack sparrow, good-looking, witty, intellectual and drinks lots of rum, do I need to say more?"=)

but my final speech was,

Captain Jack Sparrow is a flawed and full-fledged character who lives his life to the fullest. Despite his supposed frivolity, he takes life seriously by daring to believe in his dreams and pursuing them to the end. He never gave up on the Pearl, and he challenges us to put aside our need to care what others think of us, and to just do what we want to do.

(well, of course it came out more strangled than this smooth flow of written words. seriously, the confrontational nature of debates just makes me stumble over my words and it gives me a headache after it all).

amanda being the debater she is, wanted to write an essay after the class against Barbie. I guess after typing it all out, the troubles are gone:)

"the smouldering streak of sunset fire"

I feel elated today.

prob. because I felt down yesterday. haha. doesn't make sense, but a girl can't stay moody for two days straight right?

so I'm back on the re-bound. and I had a glimpse of the long faded passion for literature. I can't help but sigh a happy sigh and smile my blissful smile. I guess I have found where I belong in school. in my english literature classes. I myself can't believe it until I noticed the stark contrast of how I behaved differently in my classes. I went into my public organisation tutorial having read my notes, highlighted the impt. points. and yet when I answered the qns, I had no idea whether it was right. even when the tutor said, "right, right" as usual, I didn't feel a thing. I felt like I was just plucking out words from the pages and muttering them out word for word. I kept fidgeting in my seat, like I couldn't find a comfortable spot. I never really felt I answered anything correctly in my elective classes before. even if the answers were prob. right, it just doesn't resonate with me.

and so I just tried my best, and carried on from my first class to the next. I went to ching's class, and sat down with my lit. text. I thought we were doing banville today, but it turned out that we were going through ULB. so I stood up sheepishly and wanted to scoot over to the other side of the classroom to share with someone. but the tutor caught me in the act and I had to explain why. haha. ching lent me the book on hearing my reason and somehow I read it like it was mine and I almost highlighted some lines while reading. haha. thank God I didn't.

anyway, then shereen came in and we just ended up listening to what ching had to say about the text. the class didn't have much to contribute today and there wasn't any group work so I didn't speak much. only asked what was ching's definition of "pretty good" when we asked about our essays.

and as I left to go home alone, I realised, that in my lit classes, even though at times I feel trapped in wanting to say things but I can't, even though I don't speak much, and even though I get my opinions wrong half of the time(yes, there is right and wrong in literature!), I still feel contented. because the reason why I am bothered with how I take my lit lessons is because I care. I care enough to reflect on the lessons and the thoughts I have about the texts.

and the sense of delight when our literature tutors smile and say "excellent point raised" when we answer is just amazing. when you give the right answers in lit, it just feels right somehow. I feel like I'm besotted with literature. =)

and I just realised, I never shifted at all when I attended ching's class. didn't fidget at all and felt so comfortable and at peace there even though I didn't bring my text and didn't share my points.

I'm really glad I had a wednesday like this today:) Thank You Lord for answering my prayer this morning!;)

more of days like this please!haha

Teary eyes. Blocked nose. Deep breaths.

I think I am falling ill. I just took some activad. I think the really strong drowsiness should hit me by 9. I will sleep then.

I will have to put off work.

I am contributing to the annual waste of the world in rapid use of tissue paper.

I can feel my eyelids becoming heavier.

I shall just round up what I am doing.

joys of e-learning

I just finished my first e-tutorial in uni. and it was really interesting!haha. it was real fun. at first there were some technical glitches, but after a while we just got used to the muffled sounds and echoes.

and it's really quite amusing to think of what we looked like while attending the lesson. Personally, I was sitting in my pjs(I just woke up), and having my bowl of cereal for breakfast while listening to the professor. it felt so comfortable and I was even able to jot down notes efficiently while I listened. it felt surreal that I was having school at home and being able to just glance at my surroundings without so much as any restrains.

haha. after this incident, I'll willingly support any upcoming e-tutorials! e-lectures aren't that fun cause it's just the lecturer talking on a screen and it gets a bit monotonous after a while, and the lecturer tends to speak really fast and it's almost impossible to take accurate notes(like prof. kenneth's lecture on mimicry of all things).

and now I'm quite hyped up about starting work for the day=) haha, hopefully I'll be able to finish my HA essay well by today. and so many readings to complete!!

haha. back to work then.

randomness

I absolutely love Sundays=)

haha. It's great being able to just have breakfast fellowship with cell. just sitting down there in our HQ and sharing about our past week,eating homemade food, playing games..and we celebrated adrian's birthday after service today!I cannot believe he is the same age as mr sng! I mean, as compared to mr sng, adrian looks young. like so different. and I finally managed to have lunch with them. haha, normally I'll get whisked to my grandma's place for lunch or I have to have lunch with my family(not that these are bad options). but still! it was very nice being able to eat with the rest.

the rest of the day has been pretty ordinary so far, but, I prayed during worship earlier on that the last month of this semester(excluding exams) will just be filled with excitement and joy. haha. didn't want to waste the month away in boredom and nothingness.

ooh. and grace, my mum recommends the olympus camera!heh. I'm waiting for my camera to be delivered too:)and sharon, TABOO rocks huh? try playing it in chinese, it's very amusing and very fun too;)haha, and leadersheep mates!we must arrange for more outings kay??

it looks like I'm back to using my blog as a large tagboard. oh oh, this blog is turnng ONE soon!haha, I'm so going to celebrate its birthday=)well, I hope I'll remember it.

A lazy monday afternoon.

Looking at the world through slanted eyes.

I had to apply what I learnt in devotions today. meekness in the face of sovereignty. extremely hard lesson to learn, but when you get past it, the revelation is that it's really a simple lesson.

I was just feeling frustrated about plans today as I shared with the school buddies. and as I was walking home, I just felt angry at myself for causing extra work for others, and how things don't seem to be working out. I started rambling and that was when I remembered the devotions lesson. when things are not working out, and when you don't understand why, trust that He is good and He has the answers. and I remember praying to Him once, saying that if He allows me to go, then He will provide everything for us.

and as difficult as it was, I raised my hands and just surrended the matter to Him. albeit half-heartedly, with faith the size of just a mustard seed. and I let the matter go. not even an hour after that, the good news came in. everything's settled. and I just sat there on my sofa and wondered at the simplicity of how everything fell into place. and I was like, "Lord, I'm really sorry I took so long to trust in You". sometimes, we think it extremely difficult to let go of things, and to trust in Him. But honestly, on hindsight, it is just a matter of choosing to believe in His goodness.

thank You Lord, for teaching me that and for making all these possible. You're amazing, and not just because You give good and perfect gifts, but rather because You're the most perfect Giver.=)

Even in Arcadia, there am I~

My my.

I spent two and a half hours absorbed in Tom Stoppard's Arcadia. And it left me reeling with information and trying my best to make sense of it all. My curiosity even prompted me to sit down with my two Nortons and hastily searching for any information I could find on Lord Byron and Coleridge. all at a time of close to quarter to midnight. which strikes a chord now as I remember how the lessons played out in the play end at quarter to twelve.

anyway, even after reading Norton and re-searching on the net about the play, I sense I am no closer to understanding the genius of Stoppard's work. Brilliant stage effects. Absolutely fantastic doubling in the play. and what interesting debates between science and literature. even though I couldn't quite comprehend all the mathematical and historical information given, but it was just fascinating to see all come together. people of the past coming in, people of the present going out. all through the same doors, meeting all in the same room, same house. Separated only by fictional time and imagination. The objects on the table-a collection of the blurring of the past and present.

I highly recommend this read. In one setting. Even though I don't fully grasp the text, but just being able to soak it in is amazing in itself. The character of Thomasina is by far my fave. The wit and manipulative ways of Septimus is quite amusing too. and that last scene of them dancing a waltz? Dazzling.

haha. I realise that this post is my way of trying to come to terms with the play. well. I hope it's interesting enough to prompt people into wanting to read it. it is truly overwhelming in the best way possible. If done right, the play would be an absolute hit. But just the written play itself with the imagery of the mind is magnificent enough already.

I just love being able to go online and listen to those old old songs. Classics are fantastic=D

the weekend's almost over. I don't really feel like doing much. I guess it's the after-effects of slaving over a make-it-or-break-it lit essay for the past weeks.I felt like I was posting a letter when I dropped my essay into the box at the office. I had to tip-toe to slide my essay in. haha, small detail, but I felt something which I can't quite describe.

anyway, I had the most horrible stomachache today. just bad. I had to cope with it all the way from sengkang to church, and I really wanted to attend hop, but I couldn't get out of the washroom. sheez. just bad. it was like the first time I saw my face pale. haha.

well, I'm glad it's over. oh, and I'm going to read Tom Stoppard's Arcadia later! haha, so exciting=) perhaps I'll post a review of the play tmr.

the new season of House MD is out! struggling to keep up with it. but oh well, it's still fascinating.

and grace, I have the vcds of the previous seasons.

yup. short post.

我很希望我能实现我的梦想.

and after seeing my post uploaded, I just noticed the previous post with the band-aid poster.

thank God=)

You are my Healer indeed.

and I pray with all my heart that You will be the Healer of all the people I know who need healing. Father, be with them and let them know You will always be there with them. Heal them Lord, be all that they need.

the dark red circles seemed to make the floor a piece of art. I could almost imagine the splatter of red ink across the blank, white canvas. random spots which decorate the parchment. in any case, it didn't feel morbid staring down at the floor.

well. it was the pain which got me going. haha. you must be wondering what happened. I cut my left finger while throwing out the trash. a sharp edge of the tin can. it happened in a split second, and I didn't realise it until I saw the blood dripping frantically onto the kitchen floor. I don't think I have ever seen that much blood before. It was like the blood just couldn't stop flowing from my finger and tissue upon tissue was soaked. okay, parts of the tissues were soaked, not entirely.

and for a while there, I felt like I wanted to cry.

my parents told me to go to the doctor and I did. I went on auto-pilot, and didn't even realise I was already at the clinic. the treatment was bearable, but I was reminded of the smell at jurong east station. the smell of medicine, and the particular smell of clinics.

and I guess it didn't hit me until I paid for the bill and realised it came up to 46 bucks. and to tell you the truth, I was quite upset. I went back home and started rambling to God how exorbitant it was to treat the cut. I mean I know it is quite deep but 46?? and I guess the helplessness I felt earlier just transformed into the upset feelings. I just didn't understand some things.

and there was this moment in the clinic where I was getting treated for the cut, I just prayed so fervently that nothing like this would ever happen to grace, lea and georgie. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted God to protect them more now that we can't really be there for them physically. silly really. I mean I know God will still protect them.

oh well. anyway, shall not dwell on it! haha. I'm fine people!=)

alright, I promise the next post will be happier!;)

He wants to comfort you~

My child’s feelings are hurt. I tell her she’s special. My child is injured. I do whatever it takes to make her feel better.

My child is afraid. I won’t go to sleep until she is secure.

I’m not a hero. I’m not a superstar. I’m not unusual. I’m a parent. When a child hurts, a parent does what comes naturally. He helps.

And after I help, I don’t charge a fee. I don’t ask for a favor in return. When my child cries, I don’t tell her to buck up, act tough, and keep a stiff upper lip. Nor do I consult a list and ask her why she is still scraping the same elbow or waking me up again.

I’m not a prophet, nor the son of one, but something tells me that in the whole scheme of things the tender moments described above are infinitely more valuable than anything I do in front of a computer screen or congregation. Something tells me that the moments of comfort I give my child are a small price to pay for the joy of someday seeing my daughter do for her daughter what her dad did for her.

Moments of comfort from a parent. As a father, I can tell you they are the sweetest moments in my day. They come naturally. They come willingly. They come joyfully.

If all of that is true, if I know that one of the privileges of fatherhood is to comfort a child, then why am I so reluctant to let my heavenly Father comfort me?

Why do I think he wouldn’t want to hear about my problems? (“They are puny compared to people starving in India.”)

Why do I think he is too busy for me? (“He’s got a whole universe to worry about.”)

Why do I think he’s tired of hearing the same old stuff?

Why do I think he groans when he sees me coming?

Why do I think he consults his list when I ask for forgiveness and asks, “Don’t you think you’re going to the well a few too many times on this one?”

Why do I think I have to speak a holy language around him that I don’t speak with anyone else?

Why do I not take him seriously when he questions, “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11)

Why don’t I let my Father do for me what I am more than willing to do for my own children?

I’m learning, though. Being a parent is better than a course on theology. Being a father is teaching me that when I am criticized, injured, or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me. There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark.

Ever. And that’s enough.


From Max Lucado,
The Applause of Heaven
© (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999) Max Lucado


=D. I felt this rush of love for my Lord after reading this. and I went like, "Awww..God, You are so good to me". And I was reminded of this challenge from a pastor, do I dare believe that not only is God good all the time, but that God is good all the time to me.

and yes, I do want to believe in that promise. the past week and prob. the next two weeks will be hectic, but it's still been manageable and the lessons are getting more interesting. haha, boring stuff on school I know. I'm just trying to loiter here a while longer to put off starting on my public organisation assignment. haha. ooh, we played a new game in cell today, I think it's called polish UNO. as taught by judith=) it was super fun.

and when karen asked me how has my week been, I just felt so comforted that she asked. like I know she really makes the effort to know how we are coping and she is really interested in our lives. brilliant cell leader of ours no?:)and when I told karen about my recent conversation with grace being the highlight of the week, she just immediately asked how is she and all. and for some strange reason, I felt very touched. like there isn't this distinction between my cell mates and my friends? it's like we are all friends of each other. and we can just share freely about our friends in cell, and we'll genuinely care for them=)haha,and it's the same vice versa! heh, what can I say? My friends are awesome;)

okay okay. time to go off. oh, one last thing, dare to belive in the great and mighty love Jesus has for every one of us, and when you find it, never let go of it. and if you have not found it, don't stop till you do. it is indeed something so remarkable that God wants all of us to experience it for ourselves!

till the next post!

OVERDOSE. of mangoes and soya bean milk.

now I feel apprehensive about taking either of them. one look and it's enough to get me heading the opposite direction.

anyway, thoreau's been mundane. though he's slightly better from emerson, but all the philosophical ideas are wearing me out. and I have yet to get started on my american lit essay due in two weeks time. I resist the urge to sigh.

I can't seem to get the hang of reading my american lit texts, and honestly, the last few books just put me right to sleep after 5 pages max. that's really a record on it's own. I mean seriously, I make an effort to sit and read the book, and within 10 mins, I just close to rest my eyes for a moment, and this "drug-induced sleep" takes over.

but! I am glad for my friday conversations. it seems that ever since the first week of school, everytime I finish my only tutorial on fridays, I will always have company home. it was amanda the first week, then elaine, then zhining, winifred and angela. it's been pretty awesome really=) people I can talk comfortably with.

but I felt a little bad about elaine and amanda cause I didn't really have a chance to say bye before leaving the class. sigh. sometimes, I just care too much about others' impression of me.

but oh well, no point dwelling on that.

another fantastic thing that happened last week was that I finally managed to talk to grace online!it was quite a miracle cause I really wasn't planning to go on MSN. but somehow I felt this prompting to just check if there's any message from grace or if she's online. and the moment I signed in, I saw a msg she left behind! thank God:)

so yes, thanks for the chat grace;)

hmmm. and, train rides seem shorter these days.

just that.

Can you love someone in a moment as intensely as with a lifetime?

Today's tutorial left my mind reeling of all the questions the tutor asked us.

Time. Love. Loss.

Time seems to be the only thing which contects us. You have changed. I have changed. But is there something that remains constant all these while? WE share this promise-the promise that you'll wait for me. THEY share this expectation of us being together once again. At the end of it all.

Will you really wait? Or have you already done so?

When you say you love me, do you really love me? or are you in love with the idea of love?

After two,three, no, fifty-one years, will you still be in love with me? or will you be in love with the person you first fell in love with?

can I love you and yet be in love with someone else too?

who sets the standards of love? who determined the way we should or ought to love each other? who qualified what's wrong or right in love?

I've lost my sense of perception. I don't know what is real, nor what is an illusion. I thought I have already forgotten about you-erased you from my mind. but no, the thunder before the rain reminds me, you linger still in my memories.

And yet, as we sail, you make another promise. This time, you promise me,

Forever.

- Fermina Daza, Love in the time of Cholera.

well, it seems that I have transformed the questions that I've been asked into pointers from the female lead herself.

I honestly believe in the novel, she wouldn't have asked these questions, and yet, perhaps she ought to have done so.

hmmm. I actually wanted to type something else, and I guess I ended up revising my work while blogging. and why did I type it from the POV of Fermina? cause it's way
easier typing you and me rather than, "if someone says to someone...and if that someone..."too much of a hassle.


and as for my answer to the very first question, I honestly do not know. but one thing I know, is that someone can love another person. and perhaps, that is all we need to know.

as taken from the song, "Don't know much" by Aaron Neville and Linda Rondstadt:

I don't much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know

I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all there is to know

The only truth I will ever know,
Is Me and You.

You are enough~

If you believe God is enough for you, then you will always have enough. For you will always have God.

- Max Lucado, Every Day Deserves A Chance.


I was just so amazed at this quote when I read it. Indeed, the assurance that I will always have God with me is just brilliant. I was just reading the book in the train yesterday and it was about how there is no need for anxiety. Cause no matter what happens, God knows the itinerary and He has everything prepared already. Just as He provided the manna and the quail for the Israelites in the desert, He will provide for our daily needs daily. For help comes when we need it.

And as I read that, I just resolved not to worry about future problems, and just take a step at a time, and just rely on Him to provide for me at that particular time. I know the world has this mindset that relying on God is a weakness and that as long as we can help ourselves, we should not bother God and we don't really need God.

For me, sometimes I think the same way. Like God will only help me if I help myself and I shouldn't impose on Him too much. but I thank God that He has constantly assured and reminded me that His command is for me to trust in Him and to reply on Him! It's a command=) And I realised that the reason why we don't want to "impose on God" is because we think we are self-sufficient, that we just have to work hard to get what we want. And that is exactly what the bible calls the pride of life. The self comes first.

And honestly, I don't understand why we fight so hard to "seem strong" or "be able". because frankly, no matter how much we would like to say our achievements are so because of our hard work, isn't our lives and hence everything we do from God?

so for me, I'm just happy to be able to have my Jesus. let us not be afraid to trust in Him to provide and to shelter us. If He asks us to approach His throne of grace with confidence, then let us do so with faith=)

indeed Lord, You are all I need:)

high school memories~

today, I felt like a high schooler once again.

went back to the place where the high school memories were the the most poignant. lingered in the mall we used to frequent, took the buses we used to queue in line for. met batch upon batch of fellow juniors, whose faces I tried to recognise, but failed. the same uniform, the same looks.

on the bus back home, I met a friend from the same school. we started a conversation and for the first few moments, I tried hard to figure out where to place her. high school? college? it was only after she mentioned the word dance did I realise that we were fellow dancers back in school.

but it was okay. because what mattered wasn't whether or not I could remember her name or how we met, but rather how we spent the time we had together. I found out more about her in the short 20 mins that I ever did while back in school. we said our goodbyes and as usual said our ," we'll talk more the next time". somehow, I'm not sure if there will be a next time. but I'm still glad for the chance encounter.

crossed the same bridge with the same idyllic view. and as I walked down the last flight of steps, this thought lingered in my mind and heart.

four years on, and we haven't changed much.




or have we?

day one of year two semester one~

as expected, prof. neil murphy thwarted all my expectations.

but I'm quite glad the school buddies felt about the same about the first lecture back in Ntu.

after three months, things feel just a little different. just a slight difference. the people look about the same, the cliques remain similar, the lecture theatres stay the original way. I guess we adapted back to it quite quickly this time round.

I started off the lecture brimming with hope as the prof. told us to throw aside all our literary theories and just take this course of contemporary lit. as a vacation from all the theories. I was just elated and completely resonated with what he said about a particular quote about how we should and we are just getting back to the texts. and when the prof. said that we are just going to discuss how we feel about the text, and how it's all going to be sharings of our own opinions, I felt that there was this renewed spark of passion in me.

but as the lecture went on and as the prof. went on to explain more about the course, the flame sizzled out. like about 99%.

I was just telling sharon and yiwen how I felt befuddled after the whole lecture ended. I thought at first we were all going to abandon the literary theories, the complicated and extreme "nonsense"(it's just my POV) of literary theories. and yet somehow I felt that the POV that contemporary lit. and of post-modernism is just one big theory on its' own. and really, I honestly think that I will not be using much of this analysis method outside of the classroom.

oh well, I told Him I want to work hard and well this semester, so yes, I will put in effort to try to do that. and I believe He will help me.

sometimes I just wonder, do all these lit. professors live their lives in accordance to what they teach in their classrooms and whether or not they are truly blessed by their own teachings. do their deep thoughts and theories really help them to live life better and fuller?

somehow, I know that even if they think so, even if others think so, I can't quite believe it. to me, it's too much and yet too little. all the questions, but never the answers. all the illusions and the searching and questioning of truth, but even when the truth faces them straight in their faces, they will reject it or worse, fail to recognise it.

well, that's lit. for me, it gets me all serious. haha. but at the end of the day, I just want to enjoy reading my books and perhaps have a great time sharing and listening to the different opinions of the books. I want to study lit. with a smile on my face, with passion and joy in my heart, with peace in my mind. that's what I hope to achieve in my stint at Ntu.

what about you?

alrighty, one last post for the holidays.

it's been great while it lasted. and I'm thankful.

so yes Lord, this semester is Yours. let's do it together=)

haha. I'm a little excited about tomorrow's lecture. let's hope our english department's most charming lit. professor meets my expectations;)

will tell you all more tomorrow:)

for You~

So officially, I'm rededicating this blog and in retrospect, my life back to You.

Change my heart O Lord; transform my life.

All to You Jesus, all to You.

I Believe You are more than enough for me,

I Believe You are all I need

I want to live my life completely for You.

Off with the old self!

okay, I'm speaking from a totally worldly POV here.

with no other meaning intended,

literature isn't really what we think it is. I think all of us who have studied lit have our own different ideals and expectations of lit and how it affects and moulds us.

and recently, I realise that I find no contentment in lit. reading books is still fun to me, but I think I have taken too much pride in it. I've been seeking to produce good pieces of writing that I will be satisfied with, to the point where the passion I've craved for writng is warped now. I type because I want it to be read. I see things the way I want to express to others.

perhaps being exposed to lit in the way schools handle the subject is pushing me to seek another way of life.

Yes. Someday, let's meet at Wimbledon.

unexpectedly for me, the second goodbye was harder to say.

I'll see you again.

I'm still quite amazed at how a comic book can stir up such feelings within me. and especially a japanese manga book written in chinese at that. I think I just have a soft spot for teams. whenever I read or hear about close friendships forged between team-mates, I just feel very touched and inspired.

the way the characters reach out to one another and how they would support each other and have the "牺牲小我, 成全大我" mentality. the warmth and closeness displayed for just them to see. the almost perfect understanding they have of each other's strengths and weaknesses. and I always end up smiling when one of them says to another, "You've done well, take a break. I'll take care of the rest from now." and "I'll keep picking up. so take your time to figure out how to get through."

okay, this makes more sense when applied to a tennis game. but don't you think it fits completely into life as well? grace was just telling me how friends can build up the 默契 between them. it's the example of how even when your friend's mouth is full or when she's on the phone and she mumbles somewhat incoherently or signals to you with her hands, somehow somehow, you can just understand what she is saying to you. I just suddenly remember how obe taught me the hand signal for tissue: using your fingers to draw a box-like shape in front of you. =)haha

and it's always amazing when we get the "coded" message no?this special connection between friends. I just love typing and seeing the chinese words in my posts. even though it take me 101 times to do the trial and error method before I can get all the correct chinese words I want from the internet.

one last thing before I prepare to leave to go to the airport.

the smiles we will always have for one another. I'm not sure if any of you noticed it, I've only just realised it, our smiles to different people, even friends, are always a little different from one person to another. and I've always liked the moments when you've just heard or seen something amusing, and you turn to smirk or grin at your friend. she catches it, and the two or three or four of you just end up bursting into laughter.

and actually, speaking about the airport, it struck me that the hardest word to say isn't really "sorry" or "goodbye". the hardest words to say for me are actually, "I'll see you again." it holds within it a promise. and for me, promises have always been difficult to keep. but somehow along the years, it's been made easier, and it's quite a joy fulfilling those promises. alright. if I don't make a move now, I'll prob. be late. I hope grace is bringing the feb 29 bag as her hand-carry.:)

So people, I'll see you again. Soon.

SPORTS Day.

I snoozed for at least twice this morning before dragging myself out of bed to head to toa payoh for breakfast with the girls. I thought I would make it on time...and ended up being late for 15 mins. I was just preparing to say that "I didn't know that bus 88 takes so long to come to toa payoh" when I saw just sharon standing there. haha. and twenty seconds later, grace appeared. another twenty seconds and a phone call later, carol appeared at the entrance of the mrt station and waved at us.

we wanted to have wanton noodles for breakfast, but ended up having bee hoon and hum ching peng. I think it turned up better than expected though. it was quite an experience sitting at the nice hawker centre, eating, drinking tea and watching Miss Universe 2008 Live. so thanks carol for the tour of toa payoh and for the special singaporean breakfast=)

then we went swinging! haha. at the kids' playground.

it was really good just talking to one another and just catching up. even though I was poked and smacked for half of the time, I am really glad for today. so THANK YOU carol, sharon and grace!;)

and partner,

even though it took you 30 mins and a confrontation from me before you realised that I was your tennis partner, I still appreciate the game(s) we played. I just have one last qn, and I'm smirking as I type this: that scene where both you and me dived for the ball, who did you think you were?haha. though we were thrashed at the last game, our starting game was quite spectacular(especially when we have three people playing doubles). and it was good seeing federer and roddick on the same side of the court playing tennis. not to mention, your brilliant smashes at the net. and the terrific dives and poses we both had.

the spontaneous badminton game and ranch rush were great too. we'll definitely have a proper game of tennis and badminton in december!

it feels a little awkward blogging after so long. and I took 2 hours to get all these words down. it's difficult concentrating on this. haha. but oh well, I'll just post this up anyway.

alrightey. that's it.

the girlfriends are back indeed.

on God's day for Nicole~

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.

-Henry David Thoreau

dearest nicole, blessed 20th!

from day one, I have firmly believed that one of the greatest blessings God has given me is this friendship you have extended out to me. I remember how when I first went to COT for cell, I was apprehensive and hesitant. but somehow, I felt really comfortable talking to all of you. and till now, I really thank God for all the times when you have encouraged me, supported me on my walk with Him.

thank you nicole for the times where you patiently guide me through the spiritual buddy course. thank you for the many gifts and snail mails. thank you for your concern through the years and for the constant prayers. thank you for always being so willing to share your testimonies of God being real in your life.

but I thank you most of all, for being a true friend to me. I don't think I've said this before, but you are the one who inspired and still inspires me to be a Jonathan to my friends. witnessing the love and patience you have shown not only me but the people around you, really motivated me. truly, I see Christ in you.

I'm not very good with people even though I get attached to people quite easily. and I tend to be more emotional and sensitive than I should. and in many ways, I'm still learning to be a better friend. but I just want to type this post to say in whatever ways I can, how much you mean to me as a friend. and as a sister in Christ.

in a way, you remind me of the bracelet you gave me some time back. like the handmade stars which form the bracelet, you shine the light of Jesus into our lives=)and I pray that on your special day, God will let you know that to Him and to all of us, you're special every single day.

and as the year continues, may He continue to use you mightily and may He continue to pour forth His love and grace in your life:)

indeed buddy, two friends are better than one individual;)

God bless your day ahead!

P.S- thanks again for letting me know the true language of friendship. one which lies not in words, but in meanings=)

with much love,
Jean. 9th of June 2008.

calling on You~

there is indeed a beauty in the English Language.

as I read blogs and as I read books, the way people express so many things in their own words is quite inspiring. and I guess in a way, we are all so enamoured by the language and how our words reflect our feelings and most importantly, ourselves.

on a lighter note, I wanted to blog about our day in church yesterday.

I wanted to share how thankful I am that I was and am able to call upon God as my healer and my provider. on sat night I was having this terrible headache, and it actually troubled me all the way to sunday morning. it was pounding away and I felt quite terrible. but I prayed and prayed. I just talked to Him and asked Him to heal me and to let me feel well. and that I won't have to resort to taking panadol as I had to take my anti-malarial pills later. the sporadic pounds followed me all the way to church. and I kept praying and praying. calling upon Jesus as my healer, my Jehovah Rapha.

and He really did heal me. on hindsight, it was quite amazing the way things happened. the mission-trippers had fund raising that day. and somehow, right before I set up the fundraising booth with judith, the headache went away. and I didn't even realise it was gone until I had worship during service. and of course by then, I was even more assured God will heal me. cause I have always believed that worship has healing properties. whenever I have like headaches or stomachaches, I will just pray while worshipping, singing songs to Him, and the pain will always go away. and what's more, healing will also come through the Lord's supper that we have every sunday. the wine which symbolises the very blood of Jesus, for His word says by his stripes we are healed.

and, I really experienced the mighty ways in which God provides. at first the fund-raisin started off very slowly. we had only one person who supported us. and we were like sitting around. and as I was sitting there, I just told Him, "Lord, besides knowing You as my healer, can I also call upon Your name as our provider?" and of course He said yes. haha. and the amount of people He brought our way was just amazing. Lots of people just turned up to support us and some even donated funds so very willingly. and the most inspiring thhing was how there was one lady who went around introducing her friends to us and to encourage them to support us!

it was really joyful to see the family of God coming together and helping one another out. and! the guys in our cell actually helped us to sell the chocs and waited patiently for us to have lunch after service.=)

God, You are good indeed. and I pray we'll not keep our mouths shut, but instead out of the joy in our hearts, we'll continue to proclaim of Your goodness and Your faithfulness to us!=)

P.S- even though cell took an hour to decide on where to go for lunch and to finally sit down to have lunch, and even though it was only Carl's Junior, I appreciate just being able to be together. haha. and to roll our eyes at one another and remark how it's always so difficult traveling in a big group and yet still always willing to go together to places.;)

LMAO.

oh my goodness, the second last scene of the movie, "I do, I do" was just hilarious. Mark Lee first came out as a gangster, and then near the end of the movie, he is dressed up in a suit and he said the following lines: "Actually, I'm an english teacher. I just like drama and I love acting." that wasn't the best part, the funniest thing was when he quoted Shakespeare of all people, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. All of them have their exits and entrances."haha. you all should have seen his face. super funny.

I just had to type this down.=)

thoughts on grass~

You're the field in the middle of the city,
When I'm rushing by at the speed of light.

- Michelle Tumes

Sometimes I feel we rush through our lives too fast for us to actually take anything in.

especially in a city like Singapore, where everyone else you see and know is moving from one point to another, it is hard not to understand when people tell you life feels meaningless at times. relationships we have with close ones help to alleviate these feelings to some extent. relationships help to keep us rooted. but even in this area, we need to put extra time and effort to build and maintain what we've started.

alright. that's not the point of philosophy I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about how we ought to adopt an "open hands" and "open heart" approach. we need to learn to be spontaneous, not afraid to move out of our comfort zones. many fun opportunites and possibilities are lost because either "I've have not done it before" or "it's so not me.."

I'm not talking about great, spontaneous adventures like sky-diving or gathering to hold a party in an mrt train cabin.(ronnie told me a group of people actually pulled off this flash-mob stunt in singapore..and received complaints, thus they got chased out of the train).

No. I'm not talking about flash-mobs. We don't have to gather in a parade square, stand still for five mins and then move off like nothing happened. but what we have and should do is to encourage and give thanks for random encounters throughout our days. too often a time, we tend to just want to keep to our own worlds and shut the rest of the world out.

I'll give you an example,but actually I don't think you need one. But! for instance, 70% of the time, I walk into a train, I sit down or stand, and immemdiately reach for my music. the earphones are plugged in, and my stoning posture kicks in. bye bye world, you won't receive a word or a look from me until I reach my stop.

sounds familiar? I see this almost every day. and I participate in this routine every other day too. but as for the 30% of the rest of the time, I happily welcome randomness in life. I keep my eyes open, my heart willing, and I really do experience so much more in life. I start to connect with the lives of others I meet, I start to make conversations with people I meet on the street. nothing much, just an exchange of greetings, a smile, and some words here and there. but there's just this special quality to it. in that moment, I wasn't just me anymore. it became me with someone else. and somehow, the world seems less cold. I don't remember all of the encounters I've had, but I know I enjoyed every single one of them when I was in it.

this image just came into mind. of Jesus walking on the streets of Jerusalem and of the other places. I wonder if He just kept close to His disciples and friends or did He have fun socialising? the answer is obvious isn't it? just to give you some examples. the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus didn't have to talk to her, in fact, it was perfectly acceptable during His times to not talk to a Samaritan woman. but He did anyway, and look what happened. the woman's life was changed forever and she brought so many others to talk to Jesus. just a few words exchanged, and the impact was beyond imagination.

or what about the paralysed man waiting beside the pool? Jesus could have walked right past him. but He didn't, instead He deliberately asked the man what was he doing and if he wanted to get healed. a simple,"Hi, can I help you?" seems to me to be one of Jesus' trademarks for opening up conversations with people He cared for.

even till today, God still extends out His hand and with a warm smile, He asks, "my beloved child, is there something I can help you with?" and I guess that is why Jesus is my superhero. tony anthony once said Jesus is his superhero because Jesus freed him not just from the prison in Cyprus, but also the prisons in life. the prison of want, the prison of hopelessness...in Jesus, he is free.

but for me, Jesus is my superhero because He not only saves and frees me, but He is more than able and willing to do what most people won't even want to try. in this big world of people, where we can brush pass each other but not acknowledge one another, Jesus does the opposite. He reaches out to people, welcomes unplanned encounters, has the courage and love to make a difference in the lives of others. how many of us can say we can or want to do that?

I think many of us just want to get things done. I'm not saying that we are loveless people. in fact I think we are people with love but we just lack the courage to share our love with others. too shy. too afraid of rejection or awkwardness. we meet so many people in just one day, but what we don't realise is that every one of those lives has a story to tell. and we may not get to hear the whole story, but can we imagine the insight we will gain from being part of it?

let us try to let go of this "I want to be an independent individual, just doing what I have to do" mindset. We were created for inter-dependence.

one step at a time. a sincere and warm smile here and there.

Open hands. Open hearts.

我们行的.加油!

end of my philosophy for today.

this is my second resolution fot the year: To lie down on a nice patch of grass and to look up at the clouds in the skies.=).

On Carol's 20th~

our dearest carol,

I've got so much to tell you that I can only hope that I'll get most of it down here.

I remember that among all the friends that I have, you're the only one I remember exactly when you became a friend to me. I remember it was during Valentine's day during year 2005. it was our first three months and we were all so new to each other. at that point of time we didn't really know each other. but I recall clearly that you gave me one of your homemade brownies wrapped in aluminium foil. and I was quite surprised at your gesture of kindness. I guess to others it may not seem much, but I was really touched that day. and I guess I just had to make the effort to get to know you more. I've never regretted that effort.

through the years, you've been a most lovely friend and person to know. all your funny quirks and antics, your optimism, your simplicity and your straightforwardness have been a huge part of our lives. I'm smiling now as I recall how you would bring a whole stack of comic books and sit in the library reading them. and how you will always be there to prompt us and help us in econs lessons. and not to mention, the short short skirts you used to wear..haha. somehow, to me, you have always been an enigma of many things. there is just this inexplicability when it comes to you. at times I think I know exactly what you are going to do next, and I'll be right. but at times, you just surprise me with the most unexpected.

but amidst it all. you've been the one with the most determination, most character, and the one who has been most willing to try. you've been the strong one, the independent one, and hardworking one. but you've been also the comforting one, the cheerful one and the surpportive one. really, zoogaNders* wouldn't have made it without you.

WE LOVE YOU!

and I hope as we go through the years ahead, you'll continue to know how much you mean to us, and how much we cherish you as our friend. and we the zoogaNders* girls will be behind you all the way=)

blessed, joyful 20th birthday carol dear!

and if you ever need a hug, a drink, or a listening ear, we'll be here. (even grace is more open to hugs now;)) so if you want a hug, go to grace. if you need a drink, ask me and I'll give you all the grape juice you want. and if you need to talk, find sharon, and she'll gather us four together for a Starbucks session:)or alternatively, a four-way online MSN conversation=)

so like I said, that was some brownie you made three years back. haha. good enough to spark off this amazing friendship.

alright. that's about it. and we'll talk more soon kay?

I'll see you soon!

love,
Jean. 4th of June 2008.

steps of God and me~

Today's roller-blading exercise was really humbling.

I was on my knees for half of the time.

and the instructor had to guide me like a child on her first steps. and it was really funny cause my knees couldn't stop stop shaking as I struggled to stay upright. and I think I kinda crushed his fingers. haha, I was like gripping so firmly to his hands to prevent myself from falling. but he was really very nice and encouraging, and he very patiently guided me for the whole second half of the practice time=)

and today was quite a humbling day in church today.

I finally realised how great our God is.

I remember on friday, I was sitting at jurong east station alone and the song, "how great is our God" came on, and I just sat there, basking in the awe of worship. we sang the song in church today. and before the service I asked Him to re-assure me of His love for me.

I have been stuggling for the past two weeks over two issues and it has been tough. I remember telling Him before that I am very assured of His love for me already. but today, I just needed to hear it from Him again.

Romans 8:35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

during our congregation prayer, He did just that. Nothing can ever separate you my child, from My love.

Lord, I have made my first step of faith towards You. You called and I doubted at first, but when You called for one step of faith during today's altar call, I gave You just that. Lord, like I told you earlier, I can't do much Lord. I need You to help me, Lord, will You take the rest of the steps and meet me where I am?

I know You will.

For You have already taken the first step. You took it when You went to the cross.

and Lord, help me to be like david. help me to see my goliaths as not problems to conquer, but promises to claim. help me to see not how big and scary my goliaths are, but how great and how mighty to save our God is.

indeed, how great is our God, sing with me how great is our God! Lord, there's no other place I'd rather be than with You, in Your house. Lord, let my life be anchored on You my Rock.

to You be all glory!

walk with me~

I've hit 100 posts in this blog of mine! haha, unofficially of course. that's because there's like so many drafts for personal viewing only. haha.

anyway. it's hard at this stage in my life to not go all emo and to feel down once in a while. haha, maybe these few months I've been emo-ing more. I suppose it's because at this point, I see things clearer now and yes, God has been showing more things to me from His perspective. and it's like I've always been seeing things from my perspective, and when I see how narrow my perspective has been and how self-centred I've been for the past few years, I just felt a little down. it's like He's telling me to let go, but I've been refusing and trying to cling harder to things and people, depending and relying on them for too long and for too much.

I'm a people-person by nature and when everyone around me seems to be slipping away, and I don't feel close to them anymore, that's when I start being upset. but I'm also very clear of one point. It is when I realise that God is the only one I have, that I know that He is the only one I need and want.

as cliche as it sounds, it is really one truth I believe in. and I remember reading once about hearing God's music in life. It is when the noises of your family, your friends, everyone else's fade away, that you can hear and listen to God's music the most clearly. As I sat in the train today, I had my earphones plugged into my ears, and I just sat there in my own world listening to my music. when the song, "Come, Now is the time to worship" came on, I just couldn't help but smile even though I was supposed to be sleeping, or trying to.

Indeed, now is the time for worship.

I still find it difficult to let go completely, but I know He's helping me to. I'm still learning to hand over the reins to Him, to let Him be the one holding my life together. and I'm still trying to depend solely on Jesus for His joy in my life, that one day I will not have to have the happiness that depends on happenings, but to have the joy that depends on Jesus.

and I know ever more clearly now His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

one day Lord, there will come one day where all I can think about, all I can speak about will be You. but for now, just let me worship you with my lips and my life. may You continue to hold my hand and walk with me, walk with me back home.

I guess we cannot.

can we not let go?

I folded paper hearts with the bus tickets today. and it felt nostalgic. I remembered how I used to be so good at folding those hearts,but today the paper just didn't co-operate. the hearts ended up lopsided. and my fingers felt clumsy as I folded the tickets and it felt off. like I wasn't doing it right.

I kept the hearts in my wallet anyway.

over the past few days, I have typed many many posts, but not even one managed to be posted up. I don't know why, but it just happens.

there was one draft on my driving lesson. another on nostalgia, feelings I had after seeing our old photos in yj. another post on songs. and now this.

I miss the times where we could just sit together and talk and laugh over nonsensical stuff. I miss those times where it was just us. over the months, other things and people came into our lives, many came and went, some stayed. and I guess it happens. I know we won't leave one another, I know our friendship is here to stay. but I guess something feels like it's lost? a part of me knows this is natural and expected.yet, I cannot seem to be able to accept it fully.

it's times like this that I wonder if the optimism we have held all throughout the years going to see us through? at first some of us were pessimistic, then as we grew closer, we had more confidence and greater assurance that we're going to last for the long-haul. now as even more time lapses, and as we all have our individual paths, it takes more to hold on to what seems to be already slipping away. that closeness seems like a thing of the past. at times, it feels like it's the same, nothing much has changed, but at other times, the stark difference hits me and I end up tearing.

again, perhaps I'm being too emotional and sensitive. but I guess I'm learning how to handle it better these days.

I wanted to type this post for a very long time now. I just wasn't prepared to type the feelings down till now.

Hold all things loosely, but hold on to Christ with all that you have.

I've heard this line before but I've never understood it. I guess I do now.

relief teaching~

highlight of the day: meeting carol in town!

haha. it was a really pleasant surprise which involved a good, warm hug=)

it was quite impactful because I know I miss carol, but I didn't know I miss her so much till I met her. haha. I'm being sentimental here again. but! I'm glad school's out and we'll be meeting soon!

besides that, I said I'll blog about my relief teaching experience, and hence I will.

on wednesday morning, I was finally called down and I surprisingly managed to pick the call up. thank God cause I actually went back to sleep. haha, I jerked back awake only because I didn't let go of the phone in my hand..

second phrase of relief teaching started off with two primary five students asking, "are you the relief teacher for our class 5A? hurry! we have a basketball tournament!"

so we rushed out and..had to stop right in our tracks as the national anthem started playing. haha. and I just stood right in the corridor grinning like a fool as I tried to remember the lyrics of the anthem and trying to sing along. haha. I even stumbled over the words of the national pledge! this shows how long it has been since I last heard or recited the national pledge.

and I really think I've experienced basically everything that can be experienced in a primary school in so short a time.

the national anthem and pledge. an unexpected basketball tournament. games in the music room and the computer lab. the giving out of exam papers. the shouting over the noisy, rowdy bunch of pri. 5 students. having food that costs less than 2 dollars for lunch. recess duty. the teaching of P5 english and math. a sudden fire drill(that had me going, "are you kidding me??). the conversations with the kids. the having to go, "hey people..class, class, CLASS!! 5A!"

surprisingly, it took me a much shorter time to remember their names and faces. and I feel that over the past two days, they have taught me a lot. I've learned that at times, it's okay to just play hard and make as much noise as you want. as they were playing games during the last period of today, I was like, "ssh..please lower down your volume..", I was just afraid that they would disturb the other classes. I was so occupied with the noise that I didn't realise that the other classes were out. and in the end, I just ended up playing in the game and enjoying the looks of happiness and laughter from them.

there is a time for work, but there is also a time for fun.

"doctor's"/rt's woes~

it took me five tries before I could even sign in to blogspot to type this post.

Five tries!

anyway, that's not the point.

buddy, I think you'll excel in spanish!it took me like a week before I could even remotely remember the words I shared with you on sun. haha.

you've got the name part and the goodbye absolutely right. the spelling for hello and goodnight is actually: "Hola"(cause the h in spanish is always silent for some reason), and "buenas noches". =)

haha. I wanted to type this in the tagboard, but I think it would take up too much space.

oh, and did I tell you, I received a Jared Anderson CD!!haha, thanks again my beloved road partner;)

God is awesome!haha, what else can I say yeah?

and I'm glad amidst all the down-ness, God is always here to provide the joy and blessings. we just need to base our joy on Him rather than our happiness on our feelings. haha. I learned that happiness is based on ourselves and others, whereas true joy can only be from the Lord=)

may the joy of the Lord be our strength always!when our strength fails, let us not be discouraged but let us turn to Him for help. even when we have no strength even to turn to Him, ask and He will gladly draw you to His side. for we are and will always be His beloved children. haha, I'm in the habit of using the word "beloved", it sounds so nice, so cherished don't you think?

=).

alright. it's wayyy past my bed-time.

one last note! I wonder how doctors and nurses can bear being "on-call" in their lives. I was like "on-call" position for the past two days and I'm like suffering from really bad eyebags and post-trauma from imagining the phone ringing every possible moment.

imagine me with frizzy hair, lying on my bed at 6.30 am, holding my phone and snapping my eyes open every five seconds just to ensure I won't fall asleep..and then finally at 6.55am, when I decide the school won't call, I try to go back to sleep and...be jerked back up when random people message me in the morning. I mean seriously, let me sleep people! haha. I'm kidding. friends and family, you all are exempted. but like today, a message from SINGTEL prevented me from sleeping well. sheez.

okay. I'm off to prepare for my duty again. "On guard!"

I like randomness'

I'm exhausted.

funny huh? it's supposed to be the holidays but I'm like tired out.

oh well, it's a friday. end of the week thing I guess.

this is random. but, grace! accent, accent...three months and you have an accent??

haha. call back real soon yeah, and annoy ronnie with your aussie accent. haha, she'll persuade you to drop it. or maybe not;)

as for me, I would absolutely like to hear it! haha, no opinions on the accent, just interested in how you sound like now:)

ooh. and did I mention how I am like falling in love with the chinese language? I think you've influenced me in that. haha.. but it's mainly due to the chinese songs and shows I've been exposed to this holiday=)

it's awesome. I still cannot believe the hold the language is having over me..

as for today..it went well. dinner with yiwen and sharon was great!haha. had my sashimi fix. like finally. but I still do miss my sushi tei's and the soba there. people(you know who you are),let's make a date there during december kay?

and as for the school buds, yiwen, I wanna try the pasta place you recommended soon!

haha, it's all about the food man.

oh, and sammie and I watched Ironman yesterday.

haha. apart from the non-existent plot and character development, the movie was well worth it=)haha, but I honestly feel that the audience is there to watch it, and like it simply because of the special effects and robert downey jr. haha. the lead actor rocks. like I always say, it's the older guys who have that special charm. even if they have this weird metal thing for a heart and have a thing for technology.

nice:)

I realise this post is absolutely random. I have no idea what I have just typed and I have no idea what is going to be up next.

ermm..oh, and tomorrow's "downloading of songs day"! so my beloved readers, if you so happen to read this post, and so happen to have time, could you please send me a selection of songs that you like and have?thank you so so much in advance!haha, and thanks yiwen for starting the ball rolling!

what else?

I'm intent on making this post last. to get all the random things I've been keeping inside my mind out.

I have only 7 more months to complete my resolution for the year.

I want to eat more, play more and work more.

I want to go swinging soon.

I miss Starbucks time.

thank God for providing a chaperon for our Cambodia trip!thank you people for praying=)

leccion(lesson) one- Me llamo Jean. pronounce it like: Mie yamo (your name).

anyway, that wasn't the lesson I learned today. I want to share how God is telling me to wait. but not just to wait.

I've been asking Him to show me His individual race for me for some time now, and the answer that I've been getting is to wait and to trust in Him for the opportune time to reveal to me His plans. but just today as I was looking for books for grace, I chanced upon this book I've read once. emilie(a) barnes' "Help me to trust You Lord". and I just flipped the book open and the chapter it opened to was "how much longer Lord?"

and I was like hooked to it, and just started reading the chapter. and I learned that it's not just the waiting process that God wants me to have. He want me to focus on knowing also that He sees the big picture. that even though nothing seems to be happening now from what I can see, He sees it all and He is telling me "it's worth the wait".

for a God who sees the end from the beginning, it's easy to say that, but as how the author shared, and how I feel, it's tough, and God knows it too. and hence the title of the book. and the author also shared how as she waited for something in her life, God taught her to give thanks not only for the past and the present, but also for the future. and what started out as dutiful thanks in obedience to God changed into heartfelt thanks as she became more aware of how God is working in her life and step-by-step building the trust and faith in Him.

Lord, I want to be able to do that too. will You help me to trust You more? to know that You are our El Roi, our God who sees?

I'm smiling now as I think of how I'm typing a prayer that needs not be typed out for the one who answers already knows what I want to say even before I say it. but I want to type it down because when You answer, when the fruit of Your work is revealed, I will look back on this entry and praise You once again for Your mighty deeds and Your awesome power=)