Thursday, December 27, 2007

Falling-

You’d be surprised at what you can live with.

- Dr. James Wilson, House MD



Watching him from the corner of her eye, she tries to stop the telltale sign of her heartbeat increasing at the mere sight of him. She tells herself to take a deep breath and will herself to calm down, to look away. To pretend that she did not notice him, to pretend and to hide that the flush she can feel on her face came from the lack of proper air-conditioning in the room.

Caught between a frown and an insane want to smile, she does not want to acknowledge whatever feelings she might have for him, and yet she cannot help but smile after seeing him. His soft brown hair, slightly mussed up, the bright brown eyes, the laugh lines that crinkle up at the sides of his eyes as he smiles, the slightly hesitant and yet always warm look in his eyes…

It is difficult. She knows it herself. It is difficult to pretend, and difficult to ignore.

She continues to talk to her companions, trying to pretend nothing has changed, that everything is all right. Nevertheless, she notices it; her words start to get a little messy and incoherent, her voice starts to shake, unnecessary hand movement comes in, and the ever slight but noticeable tensing of her shoulders as she senses him walking towards them, his voice reaching them first.

“..not sure how she’ll react. It’s been a few months now… ”

She smiles shakily, trying not to dwell too much on the fragments of his statement, knowing that it is not good to imagine the meaning behind his words. She could feel his presence behind her, and somehow sensing the warmth radiating from him. He was with someone else, someone she does not recognize.

“Hi all, I hope you’re enjoying your lunch? I just wanted to come over to say a quick hi and to introduce you all to Isabelle, my fellow companion.” She looks up then, tries and succeeds in getting her emotions under control, and extends out her hand, smiling warmly at Isabelle before introducing herself.

After her introduction, she leaves the rest on the pretence she needed fresh air, and after smiling one last smile, she walks away.

With no aim in mind, she finds herself walking out of the café and onto the streets outside. Breathing in the air, she wraps her arms around herself, and tries unsuccessfully to stop the shaking that came over her. Walking slowly, she could feel the warm tears escaping her eyes. Emotions she has kept for so long, unnoticed, now flow unrestrained on the sides of her face.

She is unable to keep the emotions in anymore, she is tired of the pretence, sick and overwhelmed with the almost-ness of her encounters with him. There was always a chance of possibility, but never a real fulfillment between them. They are so close, and yet, still so far.

The cold, harsh wind felt almost soothing on her face, the thin scarf looped around her neck providing little protection against it. She realized, now, that she couldn’t live with this. Tried as she had, she couldn’t bear another moment of being so close to him, and yet never really being with him. Tried as she had, she couldn’t imagine herself being just friends with him. It would be too painful, even for her. Better not to see him, than to see him with one that was not herself. She thought she could live with it, she thought she would be able to manage at least that, in order to see him. However, she realized, she could not, and did not want to do that.

Why hold on to him, even as you feel him slipping away from you? Why go through so much pain and hurt, just to catch a glimpse of him? Is it really worth it? “No. Not enough”, her voice coming out as a whisper. Nevertheless, her voice gained strength, as she now knows that it really isn’t enough for her. She wants a relationship, not a pining from afar. She wants him, not fragments of him. She wants to be with him, and not just around him. She want a them, not just her and him.

She is surprised at what she could live with. After living this life, she realizes that she doesn’t want this life anymore. She doesn’t want to put up with it anymore. She is ready to move on. Ready to move on, seeing that there is no reason nor want to keep her back, to ask her to stay.

Just as she reaches into her coat pocket to retrieve her phone, she notices footsteps behind her. She feels something, but choosing to ignore it, she prepares to call the rest of them and tell them she isn’t going to go back to the café, and to help her say “goodbye.”

“Ally?”

Dropping her phone back into her pocket, she turns around to face the occupant of the voice.

“James? What are you doing here? Where’s Isabelle?” She is glad that the wind has blown dry the telltale streaks on her face by now.

He approaches closer to her, concern being evident in those eyes of his. She almost took a step back.

“Isabelle? Oh, she’s waiting in the café for her fiancé to pick her up. He should be here by now.” As he said that, she knew she made the right choice. She really wasn’t able to go through any more hurt of seeing him with others, obsessing that they are together, especially when they turn out to be not together. She grimaces at the thought of her having that hope after she realizes after each time that he isn’t with any of his so-called “companions”.

She really has to move away and let it go. Let him go. Let herself go.

Then why is she moving closer to him, why is it that she can’t help but fall into his arms and allow her tears to over-whelm her again? As he holds her close to him, she could barely support herself as her sobs escape her, her tears making a mess of the front of his shirt.

It pains him to see his Ally in such a state. His Ally. Now is probably not a very good time to confess of whatever feelings he has for her. He will not add on to her already vulnerable state.

They started as colleagues, which quickly progressed to being friends. Somehow, they understood each other, knowing each other’s likes and dislikes, always there to look out for each other’s welfare…similar, yet so different in their characters and the way they behave. However, there came a time where they were at their closest, and suddenly, things became awkward. Neither of them was willing to confront the feelings that have arisen over the years of close fellowship, each with the fear of rejection and fear of losing the relationship they already had. So they grew distant, drifted apart…met each other less, saw more of others than of each other. Oh, what he would give just for those times again, just for her to be joyous once again.

Releasing his hold on her, he motioned for her to put on his coat that he had taken off earlier. Wiping away the tears on her face, he asked her, “What happened?”

“Jimmy, what happened to us? How did we grow apart? When did I start to lose you?”Her voice is shaky, and she swiped at her eyes wearily. On impulse, she looked up into his eyes. Eyes she sought out in the crowds, eyes she had already memorized, eyes that were now filled with the one emotion she had been struggling with-a resemblance of love stared back at her. She let out a gasp she didn’t even know she was holding.

“James, tell me. Tell me exactly what is in your heart right now.”

He didn’t deserve her. He still doesn’t. With his record of failed relationships, he was taken aback when Ally didn’t mind and still reached out to him, treating him as an equal, never once assuming the moral high ground. He had his chance, and he blew it. What will he do now that he is given a second chance?

“Allison, you know me. You know I have never been good with relationships, and I don’t think I ever will. I grew to have feelings for you, but I didn’t want to risk the possibility of this one failing. I care too much about us to risk ruining what we had. I didn’t know how you feel about me-Ally; I just might be really in love with you.”

Never once had he felt like this, not in his past relationships. He feels insecure and yet he doesn’t mind it, he doesn’t mind putting his heart on his sleeve, doesn’t mind being seen as needy…as long as he made his feelings known, it is enough. Pride has long been forgotten.

With his eyes concentrated somewhere near the top of her head, he missed the smile that came onto her face. What he doesn’t miss however, is her arms reaching forward to envelop him into an embrace. Leaning his face against the side of hers, breathing in the familiar scent of her shampoo that lingers in her hair, he barely hears her speak, “my dear Jimmy, I think I just might be falling in love with you too.”

They stood there for a long while. Just like that. In each other’s arms, they found the place where they belonged. He gave her a reason to stay, and stay she did.

Neither of them knows for sure what the future holds. As for the relationship that they share, they both know it is fragile, they both are still unsure of where it will lead them. Nevertheless, for now, it feels right. Right like never before. And for that, they both know that they are here to stay.

1 comment:

Sharon said...

nice! here's your loyal reader enjoying yet another piece of writing from you (: