okay, I need to say this out.

pre-warning: I mean every word I say, but I am not saying it cause I blame any of you or I want to accuse you or anything. I just want to make myself understood.

Firstly, try not to tell me not to be emo, or that I've been emoing. for the past few weeks, I've tried to make fun of the issue and said things like making resolutions to stop being so emo. and yes, I'm still trying, but I realise when people point it out to me, or "make fun" of it as I do, it creates the opposite effect. so just steer away from the topic altogether, I'll be fine after a while.

Secondly, I'm past the stage of hidden meanings and trying to "decode" what people are trying to say. just tell it straight what you mean, what you want to say, what you want to do. sure, I may be offended or upset, but like I said, I'll be alright after some time. I just want to prevent as many mis-understandings as possible.

and lastly, I'm past also the stage of going out just for the sake of it. I refuse to go out just for some benefit or because it's nice to do so. when I do go out, it's because I genuinely want to spend time with you, and not because you're close to me and it's courtesy or you're nice and it'll be rude to turn you down. it's because I want to be with you, and I'm certain that we will all be encouraged by the meeting up.

before I end, I just want to say that I've reached a point in my life when I don't want to leave a time spent together, thinking that I have no idea what we were talking about or what have we done. Spending time together used to be always good, but I guess I'm seeking for quality time now. I'm not saying that every word that we use must be wholesome and godly or we must start sprouting wise words, it's more of a not just letting our conversations be directed by humor, because while humor is great for ice-breakers and for laughter, but at times, it serves no other purpose, and it doesn't mean much. I don't desire to want to have meaning in everything, but if everything is just words we spill into the air to generate some laughter, then it's time to start questioning if we're truly spending time together as friends. to me, friends are not here just to "spend some time together", we meet up because we intentionally want to bless each other in choosing to set aside some time to be with each other.

that said, I hope there will be no offences, and I'm just glad it's all out.

and sorry girls, for not being a genuine friend at times, during those times I was confused as to why things were like at those times, but now I'm certain of what I was lost over previously. and I'm sorry too, cause by nature, I am a very self-centred person, I tend to care more for my own feelings at times.

but one thing that struck me last night was that even though I am self-centred , I realised with humility, that I have been a friend. I used to blame myself for always taking and not giving, but when I looked back, I am thankful to note that I have taken much, but I have also given. Not to boast, but to be glad that I haven't been all too bad a friend. or at least I hope.I have decided not to be anxious over my friendships, and I have decided to not keep viewing myself as just someone who takes without giving.

it's in Your hands now; as well as in their hands. Teach me Lord Jesus, to be like the friend that You are.