I'M FEELING THE EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING.
haha. right after watching An inconvenient truth starring Al Gore. Nope. Not because of that.
but because of today. It was amazing.
the moment I stood up from my seat to get the umpteenth glass of water, I felt the beads of perspiration forming on my forehead. I was like what?? at this rate, I'll probably perspire even when sitting and not doing anythine. even with the fan on.
no wonder ice caps are melting.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
memories~
I had to search for an address and instead of just finding it on my table, I realised that I had to sift through the contents of my storage box.
I felt like Abraham as I dug through my box. Amidst the dust came the overwhelming memories which just struck me without my noticing. Cards upon cards filled with names and words which I remember reading, but as I read them another time, the words seem familiar yet different at the same time. Not wanting to be stuck in that state of world for the whole day, I read selectively.
I noticed how the handwriting of people changed, how the content of letters and cards varied, how as the years went by, the givers changed too. But there was one that remained constant all through the years from primary school to jc days. the one with the neatest and nicest handwriting. the one whose only address I remember. the one whose every letter, card and postcard never fail to surprise me and delight me at the same time. my dearest dearest friend, Sheena=)
I guess she won't ever see this post, but I just thought I'll spend some time thinking about the times we've been through. Together with shu-en, the three of us have in a way gone through a lot. I remember the days where we would go to Lido and catch a movie and catch up with one another, I remember how through the years, we changed a little year-by-year, but somehow we will still try to meet up once a year. Though the meeting-ups have dwindled over time, and though we have our own lives to lead, but just thinking about the places we've been to, the times where we've met up is in a way enough.
and I will always remember shu's wackiness, her never-fail-to-try attitude, the uncanny ability to come up with the weirdest poses for photos and her never-fail-to-be-late quirk. as for sheen, I will remember how she's always in tune with fashion, her fascination with boots and coats, the times when she will always go "that shu-en ah...", how she absolutely adores the raspberry sorbet from Haagen Dazs, and always being the giver among us three.
enough of memories. PJ's right. they do bring out the most emotional moments. and they do jump out from messiness, from the things tucked away in corners and boxes.
once in a while, I like to look through the stuff I've received over time, and think of how things have changed or not, and how these things and people have been so influential in shaping my life. though times have passed, but as long as the meaning remains, I guess there is still something we can hold on to.
oh, and I did manage to get the address I was looking for. the darling friend of mine didnt' leave her address on the cards she sent but thank God I managed to find a random list of addresses I wrote a few years back. haha,it's time to send the very much delayed letter out!
past memories of long ago places and people are still swirling inside my mind.
I felt like Abraham as I dug through my box. Amidst the dust came the overwhelming memories which just struck me without my noticing. Cards upon cards filled with names and words which I remember reading, but as I read them another time, the words seem familiar yet different at the same time. Not wanting to be stuck in that state of world for the whole day, I read selectively.
I noticed how the handwriting of people changed, how the content of letters and cards varied, how as the years went by, the givers changed too. But there was one that remained constant all through the years from primary school to jc days. the one with the neatest and nicest handwriting. the one whose only address I remember. the one whose every letter, card and postcard never fail to surprise me and delight me at the same time. my dearest dearest friend, Sheena=)
I guess she won't ever see this post, but I just thought I'll spend some time thinking about the times we've been through. Together with shu-en, the three of us have in a way gone through a lot. I remember the days where we would go to Lido and catch a movie and catch up with one another, I remember how through the years, we changed a little year-by-year, but somehow we will still try to meet up once a year. Though the meeting-ups have dwindled over time, and though we have our own lives to lead, but just thinking about the places we've been to, the times where we've met up is in a way enough.
and I will always remember shu's wackiness, her never-fail-to-try attitude, the uncanny ability to come up with the weirdest poses for photos and her never-fail-to-be-late quirk. as for sheen, I will remember how she's always in tune with fashion, her fascination with boots and coats, the times when she will always go "that shu-en ah...", how she absolutely adores the raspberry sorbet from Haagen Dazs, and always being the giver among us three.
enough of memories. PJ's right. they do bring out the most emotional moments. and they do jump out from messiness, from the things tucked away in corners and boxes.
once in a while, I like to look through the stuff I've received over time, and think of how things have changed or not, and how these things and people have been so influential in shaping my life. though times have passed, but as long as the meaning remains, I guess there is still something we can hold on to.
oh, and I did manage to get the address I was looking for. the darling friend of mine didnt' leave her address on the cards she sent but thank God I managed to find a random list of addresses I wrote a few years back. haha,it's time to send the very much delayed letter out!
past memories of long ago places and people are still swirling inside my mind.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
You are real.
Saturday afternoons evoke the weirdest feelings in me.
I guess it's the long train rides and the moving from place to place. Sometimes I wish that I can just apparate right to church, and at times the weird side in me just says go on and take the train. Well, it's not as if I have much of a choice really.
The blistering heat of the afternoon leaves me perspiring like nuts after just a short walk and bus ride to the station. afterwhich I have to practice my balancing act in the train to city hall and watch like a disinterested hawk for an empty seat. which usually comes at either toa payoh or orchard. and the moment I manage to get a seat, the rest of the train ride will be spent clamping my eyes shut and trying to shut the world out. it's time to put to use my selective hearing skills. Today I had music, so it was relatively easy, the sounds of conversations and of the train whooshing through the tunnel were easily tuned out.
and as I got off the train at bedok and proceeded to walk to the bus interchange, the wave of feelings hit me proper. It was like feelings of dislocation. Displacement. As I took the escalator down, I glanced past the line of people right next to me who were on the upward escalator. and after I walked a few more meters, I took the going up escalator and watched again at the row of people who were right next to me going down in the opposite direction. what lives do they lead? who are they? Where am I? What on earth am I doing and where am I going?
I just felt like someone walking around in a maze, clueless about what was going on and just intent on moving from point A to point B. Just keep moving. Keep going. Block out the noise, ignore the calls, just keeping moving forward. Step by step.
The usual sights passed by in a blur and I just couldn't grap hold of anything solid, everything seemed to just whizz by infront of me. It seemed surreal, like it was all a dream. Nothing felt real.
Right. I feel like that almost every saturday and on some other random days too.
But at some point of the saturdays, a part of me felt real.
that's when I stand in front of the white cross right in the centre of our church's Hallelujah Quadrant.
As I stood there in the middle of the place, I looked up at the cross and I fixed my eyes on it. Given some other day when I'm not late, I would have stood there and talked to Him. I would have smiled and smiled. But today, I could only glance briefly at the cross and smile on my way to the upper room. Nonetheless, I felt something real.
I know that life will continue to have all these weird feelings, I know I will still feel a little neither here nor there at times, but I also know that as long as I come back to the cross, all these feelings that don't matter will all fade away.
For I know I have found what is real. I have found what will last. And I have found what is best.But most of all, I have found what is right.
Thank You Lord for the cross. Thank You that You hold us all together in Your hands. Thank You for being real in our lives, and for being here no matter what happens. Thank You for loving us even when we fail You. Thank You for picking us up when we fall. Thank You for answering at times when we feel inadequate to call. Thank You for understanding even when we don't. Thank You for Your many out-pourings of joy and love even when all we can give to You is our pain,tears and hurt. Thank You for filling the gaps others have left behind. Thank You for holding our hands and encouraging us when we fear and feel discouraged. Thank You Lord most of all for calling us and saving us.
Jesus, we give You all our thanks.
I guess it's the long train rides and the moving from place to place. Sometimes I wish that I can just apparate right to church, and at times the weird side in me just says go on and take the train. Well, it's not as if I have much of a choice really.
The blistering heat of the afternoon leaves me perspiring like nuts after just a short walk and bus ride to the station. afterwhich I have to practice my balancing act in the train to city hall and watch like a disinterested hawk for an empty seat. which usually comes at either toa payoh or orchard. and the moment I manage to get a seat, the rest of the train ride will be spent clamping my eyes shut and trying to shut the world out. it's time to put to use my selective hearing skills. Today I had music, so it was relatively easy, the sounds of conversations and of the train whooshing through the tunnel were easily tuned out.
and as I got off the train at bedok and proceeded to walk to the bus interchange, the wave of feelings hit me proper. It was like feelings of dislocation. Displacement. As I took the escalator down, I glanced past the line of people right next to me who were on the upward escalator. and after I walked a few more meters, I took the going up escalator and watched again at the row of people who were right next to me going down in the opposite direction. what lives do they lead? who are they? Where am I? What on earth am I doing and where am I going?
I just felt like someone walking around in a maze, clueless about what was going on and just intent on moving from point A to point B. Just keep moving. Keep going. Block out the noise, ignore the calls, just keeping moving forward. Step by step.
The usual sights passed by in a blur and I just couldn't grap hold of anything solid, everything seemed to just whizz by infront of me. It seemed surreal, like it was all a dream. Nothing felt real.
Right. I feel like that almost every saturday and on some other random days too.
But at some point of the saturdays, a part of me felt real.
that's when I stand in front of the white cross right in the centre of our church's Hallelujah Quadrant.
As I stood there in the middle of the place, I looked up at the cross and I fixed my eyes on it. Given some other day when I'm not late, I would have stood there and talked to Him. I would have smiled and smiled. But today, I could only glance briefly at the cross and smile on my way to the upper room. Nonetheless, I felt something real.
I know that life will continue to have all these weird feelings, I know I will still feel a little neither here nor there at times, but I also know that as long as I come back to the cross, all these feelings that don't matter will all fade away.
For I know I have found what is real. I have found what will last. And I have found what is best.But most of all, I have found what is right.
Thank You Lord for the cross. Thank You that You hold us all together in Your hands. Thank You for being real in our lives, and for being here no matter what happens. Thank You for loving us even when we fail You. Thank You for picking us up when we fall. Thank You for answering at times when we feel inadequate to call. Thank You for understanding even when we don't. Thank You for Your many out-pourings of joy and love even when all we can give to You is our pain,tears and hurt. Thank You for filling the gaps others have left behind. Thank You for holding our hands and encouraging us when we fear and feel discouraged. Thank You Lord most of all for calling us and saving us.
Jesus, we give You all our thanks.
Friday, April 25, 2008
fill my days Lord!
it's finally over. haha, exams that is.
it feels surreal as usual, like it hasn't really sunk in that we will be having three months' worth of holidays..haha, I know, three months!
so people, we must must meet up during the holidays and everything okay? go for plays, hit town, attend lots of church activities and have many more outings kay?=)and I've still got that drink I owe you all!
haha, and to certain three people, I still owe you all the gelare treat. oops. we'll have to wait till our jet-setter comes back! haha, another reason for you to come back girl!
it's good to just sit down on my couch and just type random words. I miss this feeling of being able to just slack and not think of anything important. haha, what a slacker I am. anyway..I was just thinking of all the people in my life and I really feel things are changing.
things are moving and it's like we all have our own paths to lead. it has never really struck me that deeply until last sunday. georgie was telling us how lea has already paid for her school fees in Melbourne Uni. and how she will most probably join lea in a school there too. and then I thought of grace, haha, of course I will!and I felt a little lost. and like how starting for next sem, we'll prob. have to start selecting our own modules and seeing how the three school buds have quite diff. liking for the modules, we'll prob. see each other less..sigh.
I suddenly feel small in this world of 6 billion over people.
but somehow, there is this part of me that says it's okay. or rather, it's going to be okay. seasons change, but that doesn't mean what you have built up over the years will change too. it takes effort, but I believe we will make the effort. just like how we've taken to going on msn more often, and how we're making plans to meet up more often, I know we'll go through this together. and even when I do not know if it's enough, I know in my heart that God will let it be enough.
haha. even when we're not faithful, He is!and He will help us to be faithful=)
I'm going to be mushy here, but I do love all you people He has placed in my life!haha, even though I don't really express it much, but every single one of you whom I know by name and by the weird and unique traits of your own, you are indeed a most special bunch of people and you all are most amazing:)
a smile and a word from any one of you just brightens my day and indeed it's a testimony of how good God is to me=)
haha. alright, enough of the personal stuff.
oh, official announcement!
I'll be shifting to wordpress soon, but I'm still in the midst of coming up with the blog title, and the admin stuff. haha, so in the next month hopefully, I'll be able to move to wordpress=)yay. lots of things to do, lots of people to meet..Lord, may You bless this entire holiday!
Hola!(haha, I took a peep at my dad's spanish book)I'm going to be learning spanish!
whee~ things are looking up!
oh, and Lord, thank You for blessing the entire exam and for letting me be able to take this opportunity to trust in You and to experience Your grace and Your mercy for me=)
What can I do but to praise You O Lord?
it feels surreal as usual, like it hasn't really sunk in that we will be having three months' worth of holidays..haha, I know, three months!
so people, we must must meet up during the holidays and everything okay? go for plays, hit town, attend lots of church activities and have many more outings kay?=)and I've still got that drink I owe you all!
haha, and to certain three people, I still owe you all the gelare treat. oops. we'll have to wait till our jet-setter comes back! haha, another reason for you to come back girl!
it's good to just sit down on my couch and just type random words. I miss this feeling of being able to just slack and not think of anything important. haha, what a slacker I am. anyway..I was just thinking of all the people in my life and I really feel things are changing.
things are moving and it's like we all have our own paths to lead. it has never really struck me that deeply until last sunday. georgie was telling us how lea has already paid for her school fees in Melbourne Uni. and how she will most probably join lea in a school there too. and then I thought of grace, haha, of course I will!and I felt a little lost. and like how starting for next sem, we'll prob. have to start selecting our own modules and seeing how the three school buds have quite diff. liking for the modules, we'll prob. see each other less..sigh.
I suddenly feel small in this world of 6 billion over people.
but somehow, there is this part of me that says it's okay. or rather, it's going to be okay. seasons change, but that doesn't mean what you have built up over the years will change too. it takes effort, but I believe we will make the effort. just like how we've taken to going on msn more often, and how we're making plans to meet up more often, I know we'll go through this together. and even when I do not know if it's enough, I know in my heart that God will let it be enough.
haha. even when we're not faithful, He is!and He will help us to be faithful=)
I'm going to be mushy here, but I do love all you people He has placed in my life!haha, even though I don't really express it much, but every single one of you whom I know by name and by the weird and unique traits of your own, you are indeed a most special bunch of people and you all are most amazing:)
a smile and a word from any one of you just brightens my day and indeed it's a testimony of how good God is to me=)
haha. alright, enough of the personal stuff.
oh, official announcement!
I'll be shifting to wordpress soon, but I'm still in the midst of coming up with the blog title, and the admin stuff. haha, so in the next month hopefully, I'll be able to move to wordpress=)yay. lots of things to do, lots of people to meet..Lord, may You bless this entire holiday!
Hola!(haha, I took a peep at my dad's spanish book)I'm going to be learning spanish!
whee~ things are looking up!
oh, and Lord, thank You for blessing the entire exam and for letting me be able to take this opportunity to trust in You and to experience Your grace and Your mercy for me=)
What can I do but to praise You O Lord?
Friday, April 11, 2008
is this the end?really?
wow. it has been quite some time since I last blogged. haha. I'm now listening to the presentation of my hw 111 module. somehow, it feels weird to see my group members on screen..haha, I am so going to skip my part. don't you agree that it is just awkward to see yourself on screen?
anyway, we had our last lecture of year one sem two today. it doesn't feel like the sem's ending though..maybe it's due to the fact that we still have one essay to hand in, and that there's still so much work we have to do to prepare for our exams!there is really so many texts, so much analysis and preparation work that needs to be done. I'm feeling a bit gan-chiong, but at the same time just having this mentality of, "okay, i'll just study the best I can, and just really trust that He'll see us through".
after this sem, I've really come to the realisation that there is so much I do not know, and there's just so much that I still cannot grasp hold of. it's like every essay that I hand in, every lecture and tutorial I attend just leaves me with a sense of I'm here, but not really there yet..like how I really do enjoy attending lessons and learning new things, but I'm just lacking the commitment to the modules, and feeling like I don't really fully understand it all..the info's just floating above my head and I'm just randomly grabbing stuff and points from the cloud when I need to do my work or talk to others about the modules. haha. it really feels like that. I was just thinking of this when I saw sharon's neat and super organised notes. haha, it's like completely different from my notes..instead of headings and color-coded chunks of info, my notes are full of asterisks and hearts all over the place to symbolise important points. and my words are like never straight and never on the lines, they just tend to stray off and end up like waves of words.
haha. so I have to either be more organised, or learn to really thrive in my messiness. hey, most geniuses are complicated and messy right?haha..the image of the crazy hair of Einstein just popped into my head=)
oh, and it was nice to just spend the last day of school(minus the exams) with the schoolmates:)just having our usual Q-bread, listening to prof. sim(and being amused by the funny antics of his, it was the animation in his slides today..),having yong-tau foo for lunch, and the usual train ride home..ordinary things, but somehow the meaning behind each matter is like wow=)
right-o. haha, sharon and I talked about the place to go for a vacation too, and we thought it's either Hongkong or Taiwan..or maybe other places..but carol, no malaysia please!speaking of which, grace, I hope your econs mid-sem and the presentation today both went really well!
update us about it when you're free kay?
I'm like almost always using my blog as a notice-board for notes. haha.
oh!
I received a letter from nicole today! buddy rocks:)
haha, the letter really came at the right time, and it was really sweet of her. It's like this HUGE smile just came upon my face as I read the simple but touching card she sent. all my anxieties about my work and everything just went away. "God cares for you." indeed, I'm learning to trust in His care more=)
nicole, if you see this, thank you so much for the letter again! it cheered me up lots and it's very much appreciated.
yup, I guess I have to get back to my work then.
Thank You Lord, for the amazing semester that we've had with You and thank You for just being You.
anyway, we had our last lecture of year one sem two today. it doesn't feel like the sem's ending though..maybe it's due to the fact that we still have one essay to hand in, and that there's still so much work we have to do to prepare for our exams!there is really so many texts, so much analysis and preparation work that needs to be done. I'm feeling a bit gan-chiong, but at the same time just having this mentality of, "okay, i'll just study the best I can, and just really trust that He'll see us through".
after this sem, I've really come to the realisation that there is so much I do not know, and there's just so much that I still cannot grasp hold of. it's like every essay that I hand in, every lecture and tutorial I attend just leaves me with a sense of I'm here, but not really there yet..like how I really do enjoy attending lessons and learning new things, but I'm just lacking the commitment to the modules, and feeling like I don't really fully understand it all..the info's just floating above my head and I'm just randomly grabbing stuff and points from the cloud when I need to do my work or talk to others about the modules. haha. it really feels like that. I was just thinking of this when I saw sharon's neat and super organised notes. haha, it's like completely different from my notes..instead of headings and color-coded chunks of info, my notes are full of asterisks and hearts all over the place to symbolise important points. and my words are like never straight and never on the lines, they just tend to stray off and end up like waves of words.
haha. so I have to either be more organised, or learn to really thrive in my messiness. hey, most geniuses are complicated and messy right?haha..the image of the crazy hair of Einstein just popped into my head=)
oh, and it was nice to just spend the last day of school(minus the exams) with the schoolmates:)just having our usual Q-bread, listening to prof. sim(and being amused by the funny antics of his, it was the animation in his slides today..),having yong-tau foo for lunch, and the usual train ride home..ordinary things, but somehow the meaning behind each matter is like wow=)
right-o. haha, sharon and I talked about the place to go for a vacation too, and we thought it's either Hongkong or Taiwan..or maybe other places..but carol, no malaysia please!speaking of which, grace, I hope your econs mid-sem and the presentation today both went really well!
update us about it when you're free kay?
I'm like almost always using my blog as a notice-board for notes. haha.
oh!
I received a letter from nicole today! buddy rocks:)
haha, the letter really came at the right time, and it was really sweet of her. It's like this HUGE smile just came upon my face as I read the simple but touching card she sent. all my anxieties about my work and everything just went away. "God cares for you." indeed, I'm learning to trust in His care more=)
nicole, if you see this, thank you so much for the letter again! it cheered me up lots and it's very much appreciated.
yup, I guess I have to get back to my work then.
Thank You Lord, for the amazing semester that we've had with You and thank You for just being You.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
sorrow into joy~
Thank God for the B-!
haha. for my hl 105 hw. of course it wasn't the grade I expected, but instead, it's even better=)
of course I was upset(and a bit afraid before seeing the grade), but indeed, blessed are the mournful, for God will turn their sorrow into joy.
He taught me two lessons today. He showed me that my God is not just someone who is around when I'm happy, but that He is also around when I am feeling down. That indeed my God is my refuge and strong tower. and I thank Him all the more because of that.
He showed me also that my value in His eyes is the highest. He told me that His love does not in any way depend on me. The world can give me any grade they want, pin any tags or labels on me, but I know that in His eyes, I am precious. And that it doesn't matter to Him what the world thinks of me, or say I am, because my identity and self-worth are based on Christ my rock.my self-esteem and happiness should not be swayed by what is in the world, for we are not of the world, we are of God!
so yes Lord, I hear you soft but clear=)haha,thank You for letting me hear Your whisper faster and clearer this time round!
btw, He taught me something about the course that I am in right now. I like literature a lot, but He has also shown me that what I hoped for in literature isn't really the real thing. like you know how teachers also say that in lit, it's your opinion that matters and how you argue it?we learned in uni that what matters are also the markers and tutors, cause their subjectivity is what determines your "ability", by the grades they give you. so yup. I still like lit, I like the skills and interesting things we learn, but definitely I am not in favour of how we tweak our essays to match what we think the tutors like. maybe when I'm out of school, then can I use the skills that I've learned and write the things that I WANT!=)
haha. yes, I'm longing for the days where I can just write about things which truly matter to me and not have anyone judge it based on the set of criteria they have. to me, critique is important, but not essential. tell me how I can improve on my skills, but don't tell me my points are wrong or I'm not in sync with the world. because, how can our points be wrong when lit teaches us to have our own points?=)
also!I feel very very blessed now. there are so much more exciting and blessed times ahead!haha, so to all you who are schooling and working, let us take heart in Jesus!
love you all, and love you Jesus!
thank You for always being here with me, and helping me to see things the way You see them.
haha. for my hl 105 hw. of course it wasn't the grade I expected, but instead, it's even better=)
of course I was upset(and a bit afraid before seeing the grade), but indeed, blessed are the mournful, for God will turn their sorrow into joy.
He taught me two lessons today. He showed me that my God is not just someone who is around when I'm happy, but that He is also around when I am feeling down. That indeed my God is my refuge and strong tower. and I thank Him all the more because of that.
He showed me also that my value in His eyes is the highest. He told me that His love does not in any way depend on me. The world can give me any grade they want, pin any tags or labels on me, but I know that in His eyes, I am precious. And that it doesn't matter to Him what the world thinks of me, or say I am, because my identity and self-worth are based on Christ my rock.my self-esteem and happiness should not be swayed by what is in the world, for we are not of the world, we are of God!
so yes Lord, I hear you soft but clear=)haha,thank You for letting me hear Your whisper faster and clearer this time round!
btw, He taught me something about the course that I am in right now. I like literature a lot, but He has also shown me that what I hoped for in literature isn't really the real thing. like you know how teachers also say that in lit, it's your opinion that matters and how you argue it?we learned in uni that what matters are also the markers and tutors, cause their subjectivity is what determines your "ability", by the grades they give you. so yup. I still like lit, I like the skills and interesting things we learn, but definitely I am not in favour of how we tweak our essays to match what we think the tutors like. maybe when I'm out of school, then can I use the skills that I've learned and write the things that I WANT!=)
haha. yes, I'm longing for the days where I can just write about things which truly matter to me and not have anyone judge it based on the set of criteria they have. to me, critique is important, but not essential. tell me how I can improve on my skills, but don't tell me my points are wrong or I'm not in sync with the world. because, how can our points be wrong when lit teaches us to have our own points?=)
also!I feel very very blessed now. there are so much more exciting and blessed times ahead!haha, so to all you who are schooling and working, let us take heart in Jesus!
love you all, and love you Jesus!
thank You for always being here with me, and helping me to see things the way You see them.