a lil pinch of salt and love

These feelings

2010-04-03T20:42:00.008+08:00

Good Friday was spent in a way I would never expect.Woke up at 7 in the morning to have breakfast, thinking it would be bread with either cereal or soup. The canteen staff decided to take a break and served us plain potatoes with sugar instead:( but I went back to my room to have my own cereal, and it was nice:)

started off the day with a little of K drama cause it is one of those few things I can do without disturbing my roomie who is still sleeping. so after the drama, and as I spent the rest of the morning alone in the room, I just sat down and talked to Him. Thanked Him for Good Friday, for what it means to us, prayed for the trip to Gyeongju, and just had some personal worship time.

headed out for lunch and econs after that, and then we were off to Gyeongju! and what can I say about the trip? It was really an adventure of a lifetime, but in short I am very thankful for the nice and helpful people we met along the way.

we had a surprise BBQ at the guesthouse as we felt that it was too inconvenient and dangerous to travel out for dinner. we had solid pork for dinner, a huge slab of kimchi with salted fish, and really dry rice. for me personally, the best part of the meal was the sweet potatoes given to us by this group of koreans who were eating at the next table in the guesthouse. In the cold, while we froze our legs off, the sweet potatoes were really a perfect gift from God:)

Our Korean comrades who shivered in the cold with us, and who gave us those lovely sweet potatoes:)

And, I really love the bedtime conversations we had. we were just roasting slowly in the room with our over-heated floor,and just talking about all sorts of things(which ended up being the same topic...), and having fun laughing about our individual answers, and being asked some really thought-provoking questions, which were provided mainly by sharon;)

Just in our PJs, and warmly wrapped up in our blankets..

today was spent searching and buying barley bread and hwangnam bread. we went to the amusement park as well, and tried in vain to view the promised cherry blossoms. Still, I hold on to the belief that we will experience those pretty flowers in full bloom:)

We found a preview of those pretty pink flowers at Olympic park after church on Sunday:)

all in all, I am glad to be back home - at least what we call home to us for the next few months:) but, it has been a rewarding and fun trip out to another unknown place. thanks girls:)

I think one of Sharons' pictures captured the essence of the whole trip, and of life itself.

Sometimes, I know the end even before it arrives.

At times, I am just happy to go wherever You will lead me.

5th April 2010-

As we sat in church yesterday and as Pastor Stan baptized a lady, I thought of my mum. And as she recounted the story to me last night over MSN, I felt His joy in my heart. When she told me how she missed me as the whole family had dinner at j8 yesterday, I could tell that both of us were trying not to tear. I think that was the first time I really missed home.

I told God I really wanted to be there when He was baptizing my mum, but I told Him it is okay, because I know the rest of my family provided her with the support and love she needed.

My mum asked me about my life here, and if I am experiencing any problems. And I told her honestly that sometimes it can get a little rough. But she told me to pray and not be hurt so easily. I smiled because that was what I needed to hear. I used to think I would never feel those feelings my friends talk about, but I realized I have experienced those feelings, it's just I never talked about them.

I think it is human to give your heart, invest your feelings, time and resources, and expect something in return. But I hope in time to come, I will be able to do so simply out of love for the people in my life.

I never believed in hiding my feelings, and I still feel the need to share when I need to. Because I know there will always be a rainbow after it rains. Even if I don't see it with my eyes, my heart acknowledges it, because God has promised it to all of us:)

Till now, I have not had any regrets coming here, because with every step of the way, He fills my heart with things I can thank Him for, and I am very grateful I am here, with the people I care about:)

2010-03-31T20:19:00.002+08:00

I am really full right now. Just came back from a dose of Baskin Robbins' ice cream yoghurt. A little too much food has to be digested tonight..haha, not that I am complaining, cause all the food today were really good:)

one month into our trip here to pusan. and I think we are finally settling down. I guess there are still many issues that remain half-resolved, but isn't that how it has always been? We don't really know how to handle every situation perfectly, and we don't really know if this or that is going to last, but it's enough to just enjoy the present moment and to try our best:)

our days are packed with so many things to do that I hardly have a chance to blog, or to just take a break. even leisure time seems to be packed with dramas to watch, things to read..I think I shall continue my book after econs hw tonight. Am looking forward to reading more of "Memories".

I was just looking through my facebook pics yesterday, and I realised I really do miss my cell group girls. a lot. I miss talking to them, fellowshipping with them, miss being surrounded by their optimism and miss sharing about what we learn from our walk with Him.

But! I am really thankful for the wonderful company I have here with me in Pusan. the girls have been amazing, and though we have had our differences and a little of friction, I thank God because I feel very happy to be with them:)

this is quite bad. It's only 9.40pm here in Pusan, and my eyes are closing. I think I shall just copy out my econs hw and go to sleep. haha

2010-03-14T22:48:00.002+08:00

It's true. I am having a very relaxing time here. To the point where I am disconnected, and detached from a lot of things and people. But, I am quite glad for the break really. I think I was bordering on the edge of a burn-out( I have no idea why, cause I was having holidays..) but, I think the simple lifestyle here has allowed me a chance to breathe. I like not having to think of what to eat, and just going down to the canteen to be surprised. even when we end up eating sandwiches and cup noodles cause the food is terrible, I enjoy it as well:)

I like not having an agenda for the week, or even the day. just plan things when we go along. I guess it has something to do with my commitment issue? The basic things remain permanent, but the rest of my life has become more flexible. And I am glad for the no attachment kind of lifestyle. Quite selfish of me, but I fully intend to be more involved and more connected when I return back home. I was telling God that I think this trip to Korea feels a little like a Sabbath. A break from what I have been used to, come here to clear my head a bit in the cold weather, and when I get back, I will be more spiritually mature:)

but then again, today's message at church reminds me that God did not give us the Sabbath to rest so we can go back to work on mondays. He gave us the Sabbath to have fun, to relax and to enjoy His presence. To set apart our days for Him. and I think this exchange is going to be like that. Enjoying His goodness and His faithfulness here, with just enough light for the next step, not bothering with what is going to happen a few months later, and not being anxious about the future:)

I really like this living in the moment kind of lifestyle:D

Thank You Lord!

2010-03-12T10:23:00.002+08:00

I like just being able to stand outside at the balcony, with my towel wrapped around my shoulders. Gazing out into the skyline of Pusan, and singing worship songs being played on my laptop. This is therapeutic indeed:) I have not felt so relaxed for a long time now. The cold re-assures me somehow. Of course, it helps to have a heater that's working perfectly in the room;)

I wouldn't have it any other way

2010-03-12T08:44:00.005+08:00

"I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth" - Dan Hill

Sixteen days away from home, and I am back to where I began. A cup of cereal, some nice slow songs, and sitting alone in a room. But of course, things here are not entirely the same as when I was back in Singapore. Even as I sit here, there's a part of me that wishes to run out to check if I am really in Pusan..It's crazy I know. I know it sounds silly if I were to say it STILL hasn't set in. I mean I know things are different here, and I do miss everyone back at home, but it feels as though I am just on an extended holiday...that involves economics homework.

But! In any case, before I start to recap on the most memorable events of the past two odd weeks, I just want to say a HUGE thank you to all who made this possible:) haha, I feel like I have just received the Oscar Award, and am about to make my thank you speech. Anyway, I think this trip to PNU really wouldn't have been possible without my family who supported me all the way. They didn't even think before telling me YES, Go ahead if you want to. And my cell group members and the hopers who encouraged me when I wasn't sure if the exchange was even possible. I remember this once when I was anxiously telling Shu Hui how to bid for the school mods for me, and she told me that I will be going for the exchange, so the bidding of the mods isn't that crucial. That woman has the gift of foresight no?:P haha, I believe she just had faith:)

And of course, how can I not talk about the zoogaNders* people? Carlu and Grace, thank you for the saranghaeyo:D and the two girls(women?) who made PNU a whole lot nicer - Yiwen and Sharon :)

But most of all, I have You to thank. You have been looking out for me every step of the way, and You have blessed me with so much more than I can ever imagine. There are times when I look back on hindsight, and I realize how You have planned and worked everything together for my good:)I am still a little unsure now, but Lord, I want to keep holding Your hand, I want to keep believing in Your goodness and Your provision.

Let my time here be a thanksgiving onto You, and do bring about a breakthrough in my life while I am here. But Lord, not what I want, rather, do what You want in my life. Love You. And I know You will continue to protect and to love the precious people in my life:D

You are fulfilling my dreams one by one, Your way.:)

2010-03-11T19:53:00.003+08:00

I have opted for an evening of books and korean dramas. It feels nice to watch the time go pass slowly, and to have a bit of me-time. I am quite looking forward to tmr morning when I can have the room to myself, and eat my cereal with milk:)

Now, if only I can continue to resist the urge to eat instant noodles..

Blog post about Pusan will be up tmr!:D

2010-02-24T18:00:00.004+08:00

"That was you always--on the point of departure or return."

- Neil Murphy, Heartsong

I think this sentence says it all. I remember when I shared this short story written by our prof. to grace, she told me this is the one sentence that stood out to her. My sentence is, "My heart stopping in stages."

I think both sentences make a lot of sense as we prepare to say our goodbyes, and it is strange because a part of me wishes that God can just let it sink in that I am finally leaving home for Korea. And yet, another part of me tries to cling on to the illusion that I am still here, nothing is going to change. But! I have no doubts that this trip with the girls will be an amazing journey:)

So Lord, let's go shall we?

P.S - By the time my next blog post comes up, I would have already toasted to a new beginning in Korea with the girls over rice wine:D

2010-02-23T17:29:00.004+08:00

Pachelbel's Canon in D Major is on replay, and the version by Lee Galloway is quite exceptional:)

I just came back from watching the movie, "Bright Star" with Sharon, and I'm glad we watched it. I needed that break from all the people and happenings. Just being able to sit with my legs propped up and burger in my hands is one of those simple pleasures in life. the actor playing John Keats is really quite charming, and the part when he said, "Let's pretend I'll come back in Spring" was quite painful to watch. In a sense where we know he's not going to come back, but he just wants to give Fanny the hope that he will. SIGH. I wanted to cry. Okay, maybe I did. haha

and the last part when we just sat there in the theatre soaking in the poetry of John Keats was quite brilliant:D

"If poetry doesn't come like leaves to trees, then it might as well not come."

waiting

2010-02-22T13:51:00.002+08:00

I went into church on Sunday reminding myself to soak up every single moment of the service. But you know what? I didn't have to remind myself. Because even now as I type this blog post, I know I will miss church and everyone in church, but I know also that the Lord who is keeping me safe and well, is the same good God watching over them. And because of this, I can leave for Korea knowing that whatever happens during the next four months, will be for the best:)

Sanghyun joined us for the service yesterday cause he said he's not sure if he will be able to send me off on wednesday, so he wanted to meet me for one last time. he even passed me a map of busan, and though it's in korean, I felt very touched by his efforts:)

And as we had worship, and as the last song came on, I closed my eyes and asked a silly question, "How did you know Lord?" For the past two weeks, the song in my heart has been "Still" by Hillsongs, and when the music started, I couldn't help tearing, because that was the song we sang at the end. It may not mean much, but in so many ways, Jesus has shown me that He knows me so much better than I know myself, and that He knows exactly what I want and need. It's like how when our Senior Pastor prayed over me for my exchange, he prayed the same exact two things that I wanted to pray for, without me telling him=)

The topic for yesterday's sermon was Jehovah-Rohi: The LORD our Shepherd. And it's wonderful because I just finished reading grace's blog post, and the message she received coincides with mine:) I love the message, and I really learnt a lot of things yesterday. And I really do want His will for my life:D

This is random, but I feel really stuffed. My grandparents fried another batch of their famous once-a-year curry puffs yesterday, and as usual, I cannot resist them. So I just finished my fourth(thank God the puffs are quite small!), and I still have my cup of Rocher's soya bean milk. But, who's complaining?:)

I am really looking forward to spending more time with the girls, and I know even though we will be going separate ways for now, we will still be a part of each other's lives.

2010-02-20T00:04:00.002+08:00

Woke up at five this morning to send my uncle donald off at the airport. it was really nice to be able to celebrate chinese new year together as a family:)

went back home to sleep and woke up at 11 plus to see multiple messages flooding my inbox. traveled down to j8 meet the school buds for lunch and for the bollywood movie. Must-watch indeed. according to the girls, I was quite a loud audience, what with my laughter and sniffling. but! the movie was really quite emotional, and I just couldn't stop my sobbing(!). there were so many scenes that really hit me, and two of which were when the african americans started to sing the "we will overcome song" which interplayed with Khan's own version of the song. Another scene is that of Khan standing up to tell the real story of Abraham, or Ibrahim as they call him. Wow, the truth about the story has never been shared in a clearer way. It is precisely because Abraham knew and believed that God's love would overcome everything, and that He would provide, that he was willing and able to sacrifice his son. I think my tears literally poured out of my eyes when I saw and heard how Khan shared about the story.

after which, sharon and I headed down to town to meet grace, carol and minghui. tried out B3...the only thing I appreciated about the place was the company and the Asahi beer. So yeah. anyway, we went to take neoprints as well, and it was fun to see how we are eternally young in neoprints, and trying out different poses was entertaining as well. shopped with great efficiency for grace's dress, and we picked out a mature looking dress which she looks really pretty in:)

ended up having a short coffee and hot cocoa break at Tully's Coffee. The mocha was quite pleasant, but the conversation was seriously the highlight of the break. shall leave it to sharon to describe more. we headed back after that, and I was quite glad I had the opp. to talk more to minghui during the train ride. we chatted about our own churches, and what we are doing in church, and how maybe we should introduce each other to the people in our respective churches(cause the more people we know, the higher the chance of meeting our future partner...)..HAHA.

but like I told him, I really do think the right thing to do now is to wait. when he/she comes, God will guide us to the next step. the funny thing was, he asked my about my ex eye-candy, and I actually shared with him about it. alright, even with the caffeine, I just yawned. so go to sleep now.

2010-02-18T19:54:00.002+08:00

this is too amusing not to blog about it. I've been teaching my parents how to use the MSN, so we can communicate via that, and I tried it out with my dad just now. Here's how the conversation went:

"here, here is the world" says:
hello!
daniel says:
Hello. How is the weather your end?
"here, here is the world" says:
it's snowing!
daniel says:
Wah!!! Its -40 here and its not snowing. How come?

HAHAHA. so funny right! alright, that's what I wanted to blog about:)

2010-02-18T17:17:00.002+08:00

After the short run on the treadmill, I realize I smell like soup. haha, it's probably a result of the four steamboats and the many many bowls of chinese soup that I have drank over the past two weeks;)

the sun is setting now as I type, and thought it's nearing the end of the day, it is so bright that it feels like a new morning has just arrived. The light always seems the clearest when it is dark. I remember this postcard I use to have when I was in secondary school, it said that it is always the darkest just right before dawn. I guess, it works both ways:)

my korean buddy, Ju-Young is really quite amusing. I ended up laughing at my com. scrren while reading her email. she seems like a super bubbly and cheerful girl, which leaves me trying to guess her age. oh well, I guess we'll know when we see her at the airport.

one more week till our departure from home sweet home to Korea- the land of BOF, Kimchi, Soju and how can we forget, the hanbok:P haha, random, I know, I just couldn't think of another characteristic of Korea, and I would want to be able to dress up in a traditional hanbok while I am there. And I am so going to persuade the three other girls to do the same with me and pose for a pretty picture. in sharon's words, "Hohoho!" :D

Let us rejoice in the Lord always!:)

2010-02-18T15:14:00.004+08:00

Lord, even as we wait to fly off to Korea, I just want to re-commit my plans, my life into Your Hands. And I know I have been asking you to fulfill the desires of my heart, but now, I don't hope for that anymore. What I want now, is for You to fulfill the desires of Your heart. Because what I think I want, what I think I need is really not what I desire.

I want to follow the Holy Spirit's leading, and it's Your hand I want to hold.

on the edge for once

2010-02-12T15:23:00.008+08:00

I am feeling the lethargy at last.

The girls just left for the movie, and I am taking a break before the cleaning up. I love good company, but sometimes, it is just nice to sit in an empty house and rest for a while.

the days in town have been saturated with walking, the heat, and times of solitude. I never knew I could spend 5 hours just strolling alone from one shopping centre to another. the day I go without my music, is the day I will feel lost and slightly lonely.

wanted yesterday to be my last day at work, but figured I shall not be so irresponsible, so one more day at town next week, and I am done with the market survey job. I think I have seen and experienced town in a whole new light for the past week. I think I have exhausted every resting place that can be found along the somerset stretch.

but it has been quite a fulfilling time. it allowed me a lot of time to think and to just be on my own. granted that I tend to be stoning half the time, but I guess I can appreciate the independence, and the rare moments of company are treasured by me more.

I should prob. go back to washing up, but I can feel the sofa calling out to me. my eyes are on the verge of closing and I am thinking of my work report. in yiwen's words, "Woe is me."

nah. I will play some music, and then I will feel more awake. one downside of going out so much, is that I am currently 4 episodes behind for my korean drama:( and I don't think I have time to watch those four. hence, it will accumulate..

I am really quite glad for the girls. I know I am not really the kind of friend who is always there for them, and I can be quite quiet and awkward at times, but I like knowing that we will be here for each other through it all. I don't have to be someone else with them, and though we can feel left out at times, I firmly believe that this friendship can only become better:)

I'm tired. I need a getaway. that is one of the main reasons why korea sounds very appealing right now.

the cheesecake tastes like sour ice-cream. hmmmm...

13.02.2010

the cheesecake is actually quite good when it's soft:)

Yum:D No prizes for guessing who made this cheesecake:P

Anyway, I am feeling slightly better this morning. Was extremely tired last night,and didn't make much conversation at dinner. I wish I had gone for the movie instead. I know, horrible of me to say that, but I think I would have enjoyed myself more. It's funny how all three steamboats felt really different. I think I drank more chrysanthemum tea last night than the actual food. haha, what can I say, Sharon's fried rice and her mum's excellent soup made the steamboat pale in comparison:D (now, this is a slight "pawing"...haha, but I really do think what I said is true:P)

It will probably be the last time I'll be seeing a few of them, but in a sense, I'm glad that we parted on friendly terms.

"Have fun in Korea!"

"Yes, I will:)"

But no, I will not be entertaining the thoughts of a four-month fling with a good-looking korean guy, nor will I be enticed into going for plastic surgery.

And once again, I am proven that I am quite a shallow person. When he turned up with his gf, I had to look away so as not to take a double look. People just do not look the way I expect them to! But at the end of last night, I knew that I could wish them all the happiness in the world, because I can sense the happiness between them. And I like how they were very comfortable in each other's presence:)Thank God!

another chapter has closed in my life, and I am looking forward to the next one.

haha, I am glad I managed to persuade ronnie, who is going to persuade yiwen to watch "My Name is Khan" with me:D (corrected!)

I dislike the constant anticipation of thinking I might see your name.

And it takes a lot for someone to come into my life and stay for long. I realize I am not one for commitment, unless it means something to me.

fragile moments

2010-02-08T21:19:00.005+08:00

--

played badminton with the girls on friday, it was extremely fun:) I miss the adrenaline rush when you rally and smash the shuttle. Grace is such a gentle player while Sharon and I are kinda aggressive;)Anyway, so after that, I rushed home to shower and to make my way down to NTU for a second dental checkup. It was a tedious bus ride on 179, as there were so many students, and the bus took so long to make it to can b! paid another exorbitant amount for the dental. at least, the conversations were pretty amusing;)

after that, Yiwen and I went down to Yishun to chill out with Sharon. The coffee break at Starbucks was really awesome. Orange Honey Mocha is much better than its counterpart. And the company was lovely as well:) went on to purchase the 1664 beer that Sharon cannot forget. which reminds me that I shall have it for breakfast tmr:D and then I will have to run on the treadmill. haha

and on sat, the family went out for some light shopping at town. I finally bought my watch! haha, it's from Fossil, and I'm quite happy cause I have always wanted a watch from that shop, but it isn't a leather one..anyway, the family bonding time was great!

Sunday was amazing! My uncle donald and my dad went with us to church!! And as we sipped tea and coffee before going up for service, I told my dad how happy I was with him beside me. He smiled and said, "nice coffee". haha, so funny;)anyway, the speaker for that day was from Canada too, and it was quite a coincidence. (then again, nothing occurs by chance!) the sermon was about the gospel, and I felt that it was a simple yet clear message. I hope the seeds that were sown will start growing!:D

had steamboat as a family for dinner, to celebrate my grandpa and my jie's birthdays. and before that, I went down to my ahma's place a bit earlier to "teach" my two cousins Shakespeare's "Merchant of Venice". It was very entertaining as we were just sharing about what the play was about and how we felt about the characters. So fun to just be able to talk about Shakespeare's plays with others:D

That is about it for the past week. And today is the start of another week. As we prepare to leave for Korea and Perth, the girls and I decided to take on a market survey job. and as Ronnie had to go to Joo Koon for another job, I was stranded in town. Conducting market survey alone can be entertaining yet super boring at the same time. I felt the happiest when I was observing Harris Bookstore and HMV. I am such a nerd:( Anyway, I had to stop myself from looking at the clothes in F21, if not I would have def. spent more that what I earned. Hopefully, tmr onwards, I will be more productive!

headed off to a proper lunch with Elaine - whom I have not seen in ages - and had lunch at Ichiban in PS. very good conversation and I was just very glad to talk to her. found out more about her life and arranged to meet a second time before Korea.

then, jie treated us to dinner at amk! second steamboat in the week. and realized that I will be having steamboat for a THIRD time this friday. the funny thing is grace is just telling me about her steamboat reunion...

haha, my sis just commented on how long my blog post is. I like how we are just able to sit side by side while doing our respective things, and conversing to each other:)

okay, I think I have put jay chou's song too many times on replay. woah. 17 times.

alright. this is the end of my really long post.

I know I am prone to thinking about questions like what will happen a few months down the road..but this time around, I am quite contented to just see how things go. I guess this time around, I am not really expecting anything.

treading around in circles

2010-02-04T12:28:00.002+08:00

Of course we had to purchase the pretty drinks from the many vending machines in Japan:D The hot drinks were so comforting during the winter season

Somehow, I like this candid photo of me:)Weird pose with the leg as I was just walking on my own, but yeah.

Our first sight of snow falling from the night sky.

Family photo at the pretty famous Otaru Canel. Well, I was more interested in the surrounding sights

This was how heavy the snow was when we were at the Edo Wonderland. Imagine a snow thunderstorm, and you'll get the picture...

I miss the snowy playground with the pretty fairy lights

Asahi Beer Factory! The light taste and the extreme coldness of the beer made it very easy to finish a full glass of it.

Okay, that's about it for the recap of our trip to Hokkaido:)

Sometimes, the waiting can really be a distraction.

to be thankful in all circumstances:)

2010-02-01T18:47:00.003+08:00

My days are passing by too fast for me to remember them. And a lot of things seem to have happened in just the past month. Sometimes I just wish things can be simple once more. I think I care too much about certain issues, and honestly, I have absolutely no idea how to resolve them. But! This is the time when I need to depend on Him, and just as He said once lovingly to Martha about how she has been "worried and anxious about many things when only one thing is necessary", I do believe it holds true for me too. The one thing that I need to do now is just to sit by His feet, and to walk on the path He has paved for me:)

So all that I can remember is cell group on sat, where we were really honest in sharing about our worries and our feelings. and pastor jac was just saying how we will grow old together, which sounded wonderful really=)

hanged out at my ahma's place for a while, and we received one of the best news ever! I was just washing the dishes when my grandma suddenly told me that she wants to go to church, and I was like stunned speechless before exclaiming to my godma about what I just heard. and apparently my grandma already asked my grandpa about it also, so in the end, my grandparents, uncle donald, and my two cousins will be joining us for church this sunday! Praise Jesus:D We'll continue to pray that they will really go for the service and be blessed by it.

spent the day reading "A Hundred Years of Solitude" today, and it is becoming a very interesting read! haha, am looking forward to reading more of the novel:)alright, that's it for the recap.

keep the faith

2010-01-30T16:15:00.002+08:00

Our island is becoming increasingly international. I was having lunch with my mum on friday, and as were were conversing in chinese and english, I heard distinctly two other languages being spoken next to us. On our left, a group of Japanese ladies, and on our right, a Korean couple. It was interesting cause those are the two other languages that I've been wanting to learn.

Anyway, so in the end I post-poned the dinner with Charlene, as I didn't feel very well. had HOP this morning, and I enjoyed how we talked about various issues in the news, and prayed over NTU, and interceded for the other nations. haha, I am more motivated now to read the news and to have the wisdom of God!:)Knowledge is after all another skill for communication;)

travelled down to 313 @ Somerset to purchase a top. wanted to just zoom staight for the blue top and scram out of town. ended up browsing around cause I couldn't find my blue top. tried on a grey top that turned out too long, and randomly bought a pink shirt.

I have found my fave female tennis player! Justine Henin:D

okay, back to the Australian Open Finals. Live!

Jia you Henin!;)

2010-01-28T21:51:00.002+08:00

The girls and I went to play tennis at the yck courts today! It's a huge thanksgiving because as I was telling them, it has been a dream of mine since our jc days. I think I kinda stressed myself a bit while playing. haha, wanted to keep the energy going. but! I really enjoyed myself, and the girls were awesome fun:D

I wonder how the Aust. Open went. I shall go check out the results now. okay, so Murray did win. hmmm...now, all that remains is for Federer to win the Australian Open.

It's a matter of the heart

2010-01-24T20:07:00.008+08:00

There are some things that my hands remember when my mind does not.

Yesterday's HOP retreat went well:) Praise God! I went to church early in the morning at 9 for Pastor Steve C.'s "Understanding Buddhism" seminar, and can I just say how enriching the seminar was? God really used him to open our eyes to so many new revelations. I've learned so many interesting facts about Buddhism, that I just cannot wait to ask sharon about them:) Let's talk about your faith soon dear!haha

So we finished the seminar at about 4pm, and I joined Jen and Judith for the youth service. felt old sitting there, but still, I felt comfortable. It was great to have some really loud and fast worship songs once in a while. haha, and it was good hearing Michelle speak about prayer and healing. She really reminds me of her.

And as we proceeded to dinner and games for the HOP retreat, Nicole was just saying how it's good for us the older ones to participate in the lively and energy-consuming games of the youths. So we played electricity, whacko, charades and lots more..haha, it was really tiring, but very very fun:D

We had an enlightening discussion on the Great Commission during the prayer workshop led by Jeslyn. and we were just sharing what matthew 28:18-20 means to us personally. I shared of how I felt like God was asking me if I am ready to "make disciples". It's one thing to bring your friend to church, but it's really a whole new level to help them become disciples of Jesus. But that's why it's a good challenge to all of us. I believe God will help us to be willing and able to do what He wants:)

In the end, we had Macs for supper, and I slept for less than four hours, while some of the Hopers slept for less than two. haha, our eyes were like slits in the morning.

It was amusing because though I was asleep, I caught bits and pieces of conversations in the room. So it was during one of those in-out state of dreaming that I overheard this conversation:

"Sometimes you can find a person with all the qualities you like, but he ends up not being the right one..."

...slipped back into sub-conscious mode...

and woke up slightly to hear,

"...but sometimes the same qualities can be expressed or displayed differently in different people."

It was just a snippet of the conversation, but as I fell back into sleep, I remembered nodding my head slightly to agree with the two seemingly random statements.

turned out that the team continued the game of truth or truth, and everyone had a chance to "confess" about the same topic. and conversations after that were of the same issue. it was interesting because we are all of slightly different ages, and as they talked(I listened) about their personal feelings, I just felt very glad that all of us(including Shu Hui and I who were half-asleep) ended on the same conclusion. in the words of Amos, "We don't want to limit what God has in store for us, and whatever His will is, that is what we want." :)

It is not out of duty, or obligation that we desire His will for our lives, it is more of coming to a point in life where we just believe and know whole-heartedly that His plans are really the best plans for us.

--

Oh, one more thing, I am really thankful that my mum just shared with me how she learnt so much from today's sermon. Today's message was about the power in the name of Jesus. And she felt so encouraged by the message and she shared of how God really spoke to her about various aspects about her walk with Him. Praise Jesus!:D

Alright, I shall go back to my resume. It's tough writing a resume. Chinatown with the girls tomorrow!

Lord Jesus, be lifted up in our lives now and forevermore.

Pre-leaving

2010-01-21T16:17:00.002+08:00

I have an hour more to go before meeting the girls:) And it's raining really heavily now, BUT! I believe everything will be fine later.

I've not been up to anything for these few days. Just resting at home, going out with the same few people(haha, I have very few friends), and trying to learn some korean.

It is Yiwen's 22nd birthday tmr, and I am once again reminded of how we are really growing up/older. To me, age is still just a number. But sometimes, you just have to admit that time really does make a difference. I'm never a person to look back and wish that I can re-live the past again. To me, the present is always the best time to live my life.

I was just mapping out the years ahead for Sharon and I really do think the next few years ahead will be significant and will pass by quickly. The many milestone events ought to give the illusion of accelerated time.

The pace in life has really slowed down to a crawl now. But I am still very grateful for the school-less days. ooh..this weekend will be pretty busy and exciting. HOP(House of Prayer) Retreat! haha, we're having a sleepover in church:D can't wait to tell the others that my personality type is the artist! haha, why am I so proud of this minor fact??:( I find it extremely amusing that Sharon is a nurturer. BUT! it's awesome isn't it? This way, the students she teaches will be nurtured for good:D I'm thankful for you Sharon!

and...Carol's an idealist! I wanted to be an idealist. but oh well..I guess I'm just born to be artistic:P anyway, I wonder what type of personality Grace has. Will go ask her to take the test. haha, I hope you are feeling better dear! I heard from Sharon that you stumbled upon this blog just like she did. So yes, now I have two readers?:)

Too close for comfort

2010-01-17T14:23:00.003+08:00

Saturday was really a night of revelations. I firmly believe now that the more time you spend together with someone, the more you will know that someone. So it was with slight hesitation that I went with my family to the bbq. Apparently the theme for the night was alcohol. So the food was marinated and spiked with VSOP, Vodka, Tequila and Beer. Well, at least the food was good:0 And I realized Asahi Beer is the only beer that I can finish a whole can of.

anyway, we ate a bit, and the group split into two, the parents at one table, while the younger ones gathered at another table. So as we talked, and as I observed, I was able to pick up quite a lot from the mannerisms and the words of the rest. On hindsight, and even during the bbq, I was already thanking God for revealing so much to me. I felt a sense of relief when I knew he wasn't the right person.

I am very glad to say that I'm back on the right track, no more swaying for me! After the incident, I am all the more assured that I am not a person who can be distracted for long. And Thank God for BBTC. I love my church:D I felt so joyful and so very very glad I could stand in corporate worship today and the message was simple but very meaningful. There is always hope for the hopeless. And we believe not in hope itself, but rather, in our God of hope.

I was just sharing with my mum about how I feel when we return from Korea, everything that we know now might be changed in irrevocable ways. And she told me that not all change is bad, I agreed. I am right now looking forward to the changes, and very much ready to move on:)

Jesus, You must be lifted up. You must increase, and we decrease. Above all else, You must be the person we love the most. Nothing can compare to You, for everything falls short. So Lord, fill us with Your hope, and let us be delivered from all our fears and hopelessness. You are holy, therefore, let us be holy. 1 Peter 1:16

Why?

2010-01-14T10:45:00.004+08:00

I think the only way for me to understand is in the light of faith. I mean if I think about it, didn't Jesus do the same for us? I didn't know Him until I was in sec three...and in those first few weeks of new-found belief, and slightly before that, I have already learnt and experienced the self-sacrificial and all-encompassing love of God. And even now, the blessings and favor of God are things I cannot even begin to comprehend. How can the Lord Almighty, the Creator of Heaven, Earth, and Life love me of all people, so deeply? Who am I that He has taken the time and effort to reach out to me? Who am I that He gave His only beloved son, His perfect son to die for me? I really don't know anything except that I don't deserve any of this love. But He reminds me that this is the beauty of Grace. Grace is something given to us when we don't deserve it, Grace cannot be earned.

God will not love me less or more by anything I can do or say. He will not love me more if I go on the treadmill at least three times a week. He will not love me less if I ultimately wake up late and skip the exercise. He will not love me more if I receive all As and A+s in school(Sure, He will be joyful along with me, but He won't suddenly become more proud of me as His child). He will not love me less if my grades slip a little(He will definitely not compare me with others, or even to the past grades I have gotten).

He knows every single thing that has happened and will happen in my life, and yet He still chose to send His son to the cross. Why? Simply because He is God and God is Love. He didn't want us to bear the punishment for our wrong-doings, He is a just God, and hence He gave up His son so that Jesus can pay the price for us.

Salvation is always depicted as a free gift. But you know what? It's only free for US(Us, not United States of America;)). God had to pay the price, a tremendous price. And Jesus had to bear the cost. The cost of sin, in order that we might have freedom.

And this is precisely the reason why we evangelize. I mean we can receive this gift and be joyful on our own. Why the extra need to go out and tell people about Jesus right? And end up being rejected 9 out of 10 times...It's awkward at times to ask my close friends to church, it is painful even when they try to give a a reason why they don't feel like coming to church. But I still want to try. Because of love. You may not believe in it, but because I believe in it, I have to do whatever it takes to tell you about it. And if Jesus can put up with the scornings of the people who He has created, if He can endure the whippings those soldiers gave Him, then I think He will help me to deal with the small set-backs in my life.

I pray that one day, all who know me, will be able to see me for who I really am. Nowadays, whenever I go to church, I can't help but think how wonderful it will be if my loved ones can experience this joy with me. In any case, I will keep on believing.

We cry out Your name, our God of Grace.

Lessons on the T941

2010-01-12T16:33:00.002+08:00

I woke up at 8am this morning to go on the treadmill. Crazy yeah.

Anyway, I played a hillsongs cd, and just ran on the treadmill while listening to the worship songs. Halfway through the run, I wanted to stop after 20mins, but I kept reminding myself that I have to make it past 30 mins, cause that's when fats are officially being burned. anyway, I realized that running auto-pilot doesn't work for me, meaning that I can't keep my mind blank, cause it's actually more tiring for me. haha. so what works the best for me is to just reflect and think about a lot of things. I ended up having a prayer walk/run on the treadmill.

I learnt that being on the treadmill is a lot like faith. It's super hard to get myself motivated to go on the treadmill at times, and it seems so daunting. but the moment I start walking, I realize it's not so bad afterall, and I'm being healthy! haha, also, sometimes when I get really tired, and the perspiration starts to pour down my face, I'll be thinking to myself how hard running is. And it's like how we run this race called our lives, and at times, it's really tough. But just like how I keep reminding myself about the satisfaction I'll get when I reach for the cold can of 100 plus at the end of the run, so will we be completely contented, and rewarded when we go to heaven:)

also, this really funny thing happened on the treadmill. I was just holding the bars to get a reading of my heartbeat, and it was steadily increasing from 70 plus beats to 80 plus. then a random thought of him flitted across my mind, and the heartbeat rate shot up to 110 plus. and I was like what?? You mean the whole nonsense about your heart racing when you think of someone can actually be true?? the most amusing thing was when I began to next think of His love for me, the heartbeat rate rose dramatically to 130 plus! haha, so my conclusion was,

I may like him, but I love You more:)

haha. Interesting no?

So, I will receive whatever You have planned for me, and I will do so with joy and peace in my heart.

It's not wrong to like your qualities, but if it's just your qualities, and not your person also, then am I being superficial? But your qualities make you who you are right?

Jean isn't Jean if __________

2010-01-11T18:22:00.002+08:00

I hope the answer is "if she does not have Jesus".

It was just a random thought, as the person cooking noodles at j8 asked me if I am a local after a short conversation. So I walked home after that and I was just thinking if it's because my chinese sounds different or because I am just too dark. then the next thing that came into my mind was well..I won't be me if I am not dark. Which led me to think of this constant hope that my life and person will be defined by the presence of God. That when people think or talk about me, they will think and talk about Jesus:D

haha. What characterizes your life or your person?:) I think this is a very personal but significant question to ask and to answer.

in any case, we settled the dorm fees today, and we are hoping that at the end of everything, we won't need to pay too much money. I believe we can do it! Live simply and happily without being too concerned about money issues:) I feel excited thinking about how we the school buds will draw closer to each other during the exchange!

and we met Charlene today at amk! I was so glad to see her:D Thank God! As fashionable as ever, but a little tired looking to me (must be due to the recent A Levels). But, she still has that aggressive way of hugging. haha, weird choice of word, but yeah, I still love the hugs she gives:) am making plans to meet her and lynard for lunch next week. hope that will turn out well! I just realized she is 20 this year, and we are 22 now.

I know a lot will change this year, and though I am a little hesitant, I do want to learn to embrace all the exciting plans He has in store for us:)

called the cryptic one just now, and I was telling her how I believe we are not the type of people who will run away when she wants to share. rather, we are the ones who will buy a nice cup of coffee and listen to all she has to say. so whenever she's ready.

on a last note,we ended off service last sunday with this worship song, "Be Magnified, O Lord", and I was just struck by how the lyrics reflected everything in my heart.

I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me;
I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me.But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

CHORUS:

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can't do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

I have leaned on the wisdom of men
O Lord, forgive me;
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

I have been troubled over a couple of issues. well, mainly about the korean language learning issue, and my subtle need for people's approval. So as I was just waiting for Sharon at the mrt station,I still did not experience the peace of God about the two issues. I was just too concerned about what I felt, and what I thought. I closed my eyes, listened to the music, and just prayed, and prayed.

Now, as I sit here, I feel like a burden has just been lifted off of me. I am able to see clear answers on what to do about the two issues. it will take a while more to test out whether the second issue is completely resolved, but I am just glad that I don't have to be anxious anymore. because the word of God says in phil 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

And also, jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'.

So, I am not going to place God in a box of my own, and think that He is unable to bless and provide for me. I believe with God, everything is possible:)

Lord, let my heart desire what You desire for me, and let me turn away from what is wrong in Your eyes. Amen.

All is not Lost

2010-01-06T13:07:00.003+08:00

We read the following poem in Contemporary Literature once. I was impressed then, but as I read the words again this afternoon, I felt almost awe-struck. There's this simple brilliance to the emotions captured in the poem, and I felt like I had a closer glimpse into the depth of the words.

The poem is really beautiful. Trust me, I can never do poetry, and it takes a lot to make me understand or appreciate poetry. But throughout the years, I have clung on to one basic belief, and that is, if the poem touches your heart, then it is good poetry. You may not know a single thing about the rhyme scheme, the rhythm, even the message of the poem, but if the words on the page move you enough to inspire you, then poetry has achieved its purpose.

And this afternoon, Galway Kinnell did that for me.

I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe and happy in this world, I do not know what will happen in the future, but what matters is the present. What matters is now. We will all fade away someday, but for now, let us enjoy living our lives to the fullest, to the best that we can. :)

That is a simplistic re-working of one of the many messages in the poem.

All that can be said is already written down exceptionally in the poem, I cannot say more.

Little Sleep's-Head Sprouting Hair in the Moonlight

1

You scream, waking from a nightmare.

When I sleepwalk
into your room, and pick you up,
and hold you up in the moonlight, you cling to me
hard,
as if clinging could save us. I think
you think
I will never die, I think I exude
to you the permanence of smoke or stars,
even as
my broken arms heal themselves around you.

2

I have heard you tell
the sun, don't go down, I have stood by
as you told the flower, don't grow old,
don't die. Little Maud,

I would blow the flame out of your silver cup,
I would suck the rot from your fingernail,
I would brush your sprouting hair of the dying light,
I would scrape the rust off your ivory bones,
I would help death escape through the little ribs of your body,
I would alchemize the ashes of your cradle back into wood,
I would let nothing of you go, ever,

until washerwomen
feel the clothes fall asleep in their hands,
and hens scratch their spell across hatchet blades,
and rats walk away from the cultures of the plague,
and iron twists weapons toward the true north,
and grease refuses to slide in the machinery of progress,
and men feel as free on earth as fleas on the bodies of men,
and lovers no longer whisper to the presence beside them in the
dark, O corpse-to-be ...

And yet perhaps this is the reason you cry,
this the nightmare you wake screaming from:
being forever
in the pre-trembling of a house that falls.

3

In a restaurant once, everyone
quietly eating, you clambered up
on my lap: to all
the mouthfuls rising toward
all the mouths, at the top of your voice
you cried
your one word, caca! caca! caca!
and each spoonful
stopped, a moment, in midair, in its withering
steam.

Yes,
you cling because
I, like you, only sooner
than you, will go down
the path of vanished alphabets,
the roadlessness
to the other side of the darkness,

your arms
like the shoes left behind,
like the adjectives in the halting speech
of old men,
which once could call up the lost nouns.

4

And you yourself,
some impossible Tuesday
in the year Two Thousand and Nine, will walk out
among the black stones
of the field, in the rain,

and the stones saying
over their one word, ci-gît, ci-gît, ci-gît,

and the raindrops
hitting you on the fontanel
over and over, and you standing there
unable to let them in.

5

If one day it happens
you find yourself with someone you love
in a café at one end
of the Pont Mirabeau, at the zinc bar
where white wine stands in upward opening glasses,

and if you commit then, as we did, the error
of thinking,
one day all this will only be memory,

learn,
as you stand
at this end of the bridge which arcs,
from love, you think, into enduring love,
learn to reach deeper
into the sorrows
to come – to touch
the almost imaginary bones
under the face, to hear under the laughter
the wind crying across the black stones. Kiss
the mouth
which tells you, here,
here is the world. This mouth. This laughter. These temple bones.

The still undanced cadence of vanishing.

6

In the light the moon
sends back, I can see in your eyes

the hand that waved once
in my father's eyes, a tiny kite
wobbling far up in the twilight of his last look:

and the angel
of all mortal things lets go the string.

7

Back you go, into your crib.

The last blackbird lights up his gold wings: farewell.
Your eyes close inside your head,
in sleep. Already
in your dreams the hours begin to sing.

Little sleep's-head sprouting hair in the moonlight,
when I come back
we will go out together,
we will walk out together among
the ten thousand things,
each scratched too late with such knowledge, the wages
of dying is love.

from The Book of Nightmares by Galway Kinnell
Copyright © by Galway Kinnell

This is Art at its best.

Your approval is what matters

2010-01-05T20:01:00.002+08:00

It feels awfully weird not to have anything to do for consecutive days. I was just thinking of what I have to do tomorrow, and the next thought that came into my mind is, 'Nothing.' Yeah..I have nothing to do now except work on the admin stuff for Korea.

Dorm is almost settled, Visa is done, airfare will soon be booked, insurance is selected...course-matching is the problematic one for now. Oh,and we need to learn Korean. Fast.

I realized I will miss talking to my mum. so I told her to learn how to use the webcam.

And I really like sitting on the kitchen counter top and taking some time to reflect.

Somehow, I have experienced that it is only when you focus on others that your own difficulties start to fade away.

I want Your light in this life.

I was a little confused, but I'm alright now. I think I understand. I still prefer the simple, uncomplicated way of living:)

only one way to go - UP!

2010-01-04T21:28:00.002+08:00

2010 is off to a shaky start, but! This year will be an up year, as we are living on the victorious side!:D

A lot has happened since 2009, and it has only been four days! My mum went for her first cataract removal operation today, so I had to rush down to the hospital to pick her up just now. It was quite different going to the hospital to pick up my mum...felt like I was in a scene of a medical drama where the family member of a patient rushes into the ward. anyway, visa application today was smooth!:) lunch was good too, and I like how at ease we were with each other:)

anyway, so I am currently in relaxed mood cause the holidays are still here, but then I am thrown into a whirlwind of things I need to do. activity is good I guess...

It was an interesting msn conversation, and it reminded me of what the girls shared during the sleepover on the 30th. very honest conversations. I like:)

and fb is really something new for me. I really have no idea how to work at it, and I am just going to ignore it unless something crops up. I can't believe I made an attempt to upload the pics from Turkey and I am actually quite surprised to see the new photos and comments...but! not my thing...oh well. I'll try!

a bit tired already. will go look for more courses to match for PNU.

I think I know myself quite well to some extent...

...the feelings really do fade with time and absence.

Closing Memories of the Year ~

2009-12-30T11:49:00.005+08:00

As I have not received the photos I am waiting for, I will do a quick update on what has been happening since I arrived back in Singapore early on Christmas eve. No, I have not been on the treadmill since I went to Japan, and No, I have not been spending as much time going out with my friends as I had hoped to do. But it's okay! Because the time was spent with family and planning when to meet up with my friends:)

So Christmas eve was spent having breakfast at my old home, Potong Pasir. Good beehoon and not so sweet tea. My grandma forbid me from buying soya bean milk cause she thinks it won't go well with the teh-si she shared with me. haha;)

Christmas day was spent in church! the joy of being able to sing the christmas carols with everyone is awesome:D And we celebrated Christmas as a family together at my godma's house. We had the steamed crab legs bought from Hokkaido, huge pork knuckles, Hilton's cheesecake...and lots more:) Oh, I had a few glasses of ice wine:) Sweet Riesling, but it was nice just looking at the golden colour. Random note to myself, I must have a glass or two of bubbly before the end of next year. Can you believe it? I have not tried champagne in my life. ever. :(

Anyway, we watched a short evangelical movie called "The Deal" in chinese, and it was really good. It was about a real-life testimony from Calvin Soh the musician and his wife. Powerful message about the trap of materialism and the need to believe in the power of deliverance from our God:)

Boxing day was spent on the ship Duolos. it was the last day in port as they were going to scrap it, so my parents and I went to pick up some books on board. everything was really affordable, as they gave really good discounts:) We celebrated Gek Theng's 21st brithday as a cell at Fort Canning Centre, White Studio, at night. It's the place where we go for our plays:) Cell performed two christmas carols for the rest of Gek's guests! So I did go caroling in the end!;)

I had a short while to talk to you, and I'm glad I did. I think I am convinced of where I stand now.

So where am I? Right, the day after boxing day. It was spent in church! And we went back home after a meal at Dome in marine parade, where I tried the squid-ink linguine. the sauce was good, but as for the black pasta? in the words of my dad, "not so interesting..." after the lunch, we went back home and I persevered in sleeping from 6pm that evening all the way to 8 am the next morning. I think I broke my personal record. haha

Two days after boxing day. Monday was spent in school with sharon and yiwen! met at bishan for a quick lunch at Mos, and we headed straight to school for the collection of our acceptance packages from Pusan National University. And all the package consists of is a letter and a map. Oh well, at least I got to meet up with the school buds!:D

After which, I headed to dinner with my cousins and family. It was a gathering for the seven of us who kinda bonded during the trip to Hokkaido. My cousins and I sort of made the connection with the rest during the last two days of the trip. so yeah. But dinner was great! the beehoon soup was sweet as usual. and though I didn't really enjoy the crabs as much as I would with my family(I think my dad made it fun to eat more,and cause he enjoys eating crabs, we were led into enjoying the crabs as well;)), the time spent together was quite amazing in itself.

it started off a little awkward as usual, and then all of a sudden we were onto the topic of me going to Korea. the older ones, who are all experts in drinking started to give me tonnes of advice on how to hold my liquor in korea. apparently the girls there can drink two bottles of soju a day. well..I will prob. drink rice wine there...but two bottles of soju??

and then they started to talk of how the guys there in korea are not as good-looking as the ones we see on tv, so it was quite funny. the most entertaining part was when everyone at the table started to "order" food they want me to learn how to cook, so I can prepare it for them when I return from Korea. So sharon and yiwen, you will both have to help me learn how to make seafood pancakes, some black pork dish, cold noodles (this I think I can learn fast!), and of course kimchi:D

we ended off the night with candy canes and a confirmation of a BBQ on jan 16th. haha, these people are super efficient.

It's interesting how you will always call out to me for one last conversation. Being able to stand side by side with you is enough for me. Even if nothing happens, I know I have found more sisters and brothers in Christ that I want to treasure.

Yes, I realized all of them are believers:)

A teacher, a regional supervisor, a doctor, a student going on to become an investment banker, another student going on to become a teacher, and two more students going on to discover what life has in store for us all. Quite interesting no?

I didn't see the sign I was waiting for. But I thought I heard a voice telling me to wait. To wait for a while more. And so, the next two weeks might erase any of the remaining feelings, but I know I won't regret waiting.

haha. I think I sound a little like a lovesick fool. Cliches, and more cliches...but, in the light of things, I think I can be a little lenient on myself;)

Our Trip to Japan (Part One) ~

2009-12-26T11:21:00.030+08:00

If I have to describe our trip to Japan in one word, it will be: Sugoi. haha, it means Amazing:D

Technically, we didn't really do much over there, but it was more of the experience that really mattered. I love how we learnt so much more about each other in the family, and how we had so many opportunities to bond together:)

The trip started out slow, and many of my personal expectations were not met(like how I thought the salmon sashimi there would be the melt-in-your-mouth kind, but alas, the japanese use the best parts of the fish as grilled salmon...), but ultimately, when I looked back at what we have done, I feel very blessed at being able to take part in all the wonderful experiences in Hokkaido and Tokyo.

On to the recap!

While waiting to board the plane at Changi Airport

Our first photo at the Narita Airport in Japan. We're off to Hokkaido!:D

The moment we touched down at Hokkaido, we were met with really cold weather that dropped to -10 near our last few days in Hokkaido. It was freezing, but the cold weather was a good change from the humid and hot weather in Singapore.

The thick and burdensome winter clothes that we had to wear.

White, unblemished snow was everywhere, and I just wanted to dance on the snow-covered walkways:)

Our first Yakiniku meal in Hokkaido.

Tatami-style. I really like the pretty bed covers, but the pillows that were made with beans and straws were a little too hard. We got used to them though.

The view outside our hotel.

When I was in Hokkaido, I experienced a lot of my firsts - First time celebrating a white christmas, first time going to a hot spring without wearing any clothes, first time wearing a yukata...and many many more.

I was so happy to finally be able to wear a flowery japanese yukata:D

Family photo! My mum and I went on the trip with my uncle david, aunty jacqueline and my two cousins, yi jun and yi ling:) My uncle is the main photographer during the trip, and hence he is hardly in the photos, except a few.

At this point in time, I am putting out a disclaimer, I will probably not go through every single detail about the trip, and I am just going to highlight the more memorable parts of the trip;)

Japan's Panasonic Tower and the snowy playground with the breath-taking fairy lights.

A magical moment happened when we were about to exit the place, and that was when I looked up to see that the lights on the trees were out, and all of a sudden, I heard someone counting down in japanese. Three, two, one...and the fairy lights came on again. I was stunned by the picturesque moment, as it was really beautiful:)

The tour group leader told the whole group to dress up in our yukatas for dinner:)

Japanese Hotpot, or what they call "Nabe".

Edo Wonderland! It snowed crazily while we were there, and we watched two period theatre plays that were really entertaining even though the performers spoke in japanese most of the time.

My Kawaii Mum;)

One of the two performances where the local performers requested for an impromptu actor from the audience. So one of the guys from our tour group went up to take the role of the general:) It was funny how the local performers made self-reflexive jokes and posed for pictures during the performance:D

The skyline(?) of Hokkaido at night.

Our short trip to the fish market where we bought fresh scallops and huge crab legs, we tried the fresh sashimi there too.

Some historical place. I have no idea what is the history behind the place, all I remember of that particular day was the snowball fight we had. We were running all over the place trying to hit each other with the snow. haha, childish, but extremely fun;) And it was really nice lying and sitting on top of the snow:D Oh, and it was our first proper attempt at making a snowman!

We ended our group journey with a trip to a japanese shrine and garden. the walk was nice, and we just took the time to talk to each other about the most random of things.

For me now, Japan is more than just the country of MUJI, Uniqlo, Hello Kitty, Manga...to me, there is a certain charm about this particular nation that makes me want to travel back there to discover more sights, and to experience more moments. I miss the cold weather, the onsen, the snow...

Some random photos:

Sharon, this photo is for you:)

One of my personal fave photos-

Pager-alarm system in the food courts (we will receive pagers that will beep when our food is ready for collection;)) -

Imagine my surprise when I saw the movie posters for one of the jap dramas that I watch (Nodame Cantabile) ! I was so happy when I found out I could watch a few japanese tv dramas live in the hotel rooms:D -

Alright. this is it for Part One. Part Two will just be a few more photos and a few notes here and there:)

2009-12-24T14:55:00.002+08:00

Tadaima:)

It's been quite an amazing trip, and praise God for His awesome provision and goodness!

haha, my mum is really my mum. okay, that sentence sounds really random, but in the light of things, it makes sense. She just asked me a very personal question, and I was kind of expecting her to do so. Well...sharon, since you're my only reader, if you're interested, you can ask me more about it. I think I am able to share more now:)

I have really mixed feelings right now, but again, I choose to trust Him.

2009-12-14T16:32:00.002+08:00

Is it silly to hope? I don't think so. Even if everything falls through, I think we will still be okay. It's weird being in this situation because all my cell group members are already discussing plans about our exchange trips, and they are so excited for it. but the school buds are being practical and more of looking forward to studying lit here in NTU for the next sem. And as for me? I'm stuck in between. At times I wish I can have the enthusiasm my school buds have for a next sem in NTU, and at times I wish I can be more excited about going abroad with my cell group members. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one who is forcing my school buds to go to Korea when actually they prefer staying in Singapore.

I don't know how to be convinced or to convince them anymore. But for me, until that day when PNU or Instep tells me that I will have to stay in NTU for the next sem, I will keep believing my acceptance package will come:)

before the trip

2009-12-13T22:10:00.002+08:00

Cell groups sold breakfast in church today! and I loved how I was able to brew coffee and tea, and tasting the drinks to see if they are good enough. The tea was awesome:) Probably cause it was Liption. haha, how can you go wrong with tea bags right?

Today was slightly more relaxed as compared to the last time. We had more time to sit around at the start and just talk among ourselves. I think it was probably because we arrived at church really early at 8. haha, there was hardly anyone around, and we were just having our own breakfast while waiting for the rest to turn up. I'll be leaving in two days, and a lot of us will be traveling as well. Judith's already in Wuhan, and she'll only be back on the 26th. in fact, I think many of us will only be back during the last week of december. Somehow, this december holiday is passing us by and we are simply caught up in the activities. as usual, it feels different.

chill out session tmr!

2009-12-11T16:08:00.003+08:00

I like spending the day listening to music, watching dramas, and reading books. I like how I can just type here at my blog while drinking tea. No worries, no deadlines to meet. It seems unproductive, but I'm happy the way things are right now. This break is really what I need from the busy period of the past few months. December is usually the months of activities, but I am trying to take some time off, and to just live life on a slower pace. I guess I might miss out on some significant events I could have participated in, but for now, I treasure the feeling of not having to commit myself to anything.

I know the next few weeks are probably going to pass by in a blur. and before we know it, Christmas will be here:)

For now, there isn't anything in particular that I want to do. Except this longing to want to spend more time with You.

it does mean something

2009-12-10T15:55:00.003+08:00

"Departures" is really an amazing Jap movie. I just finished watching it, and I already feel like watching it again. The film showcases the beautiful scenery of Japan, as well as the fascinating ceremony of Japanese casketing. It may sound morbid, but it's not. The ceremony is done with such calmness and precision, that it was quite captivating. Somehow, it seems like a way of saying a proper farewell. There is almost a kind of respect for the people who help to restore the beauty of those who have passed on. And it's not just the outward appearance, but more of the help they give in allowing us to come to terms with the loss.

on a side note, the lead character plays the cello really well. and as the music played on in the background, I was reminded of how I have this longing to play a string instrument. I am not an expert on music, and I don't I ever will be, but I can understand a little when people say that music has a kind of magical quality to it. Sometimes, I just want to be able to play an instrument so well that I get lost in the music. I guess at this point in time I won't know if I ever will have the chance to learn how to play the cello, but it's nice to be able to hear the music. For now.

We really need to learn how to treasure the people around us more. It sure is difficult, but I guess death has this power to want to make us try.

a glimpse of what could have been

2009-12-03T21:41:00.005+08:00

I had my shopping fix today at marina square:)

Cell group mates and I went shopping for birthday presents, and we were tremendously efficient:D It was tiring, but very fulfilling. And I really enjoyed the time when we were sitting at Gloria Jean's cafe, where Judith treated us to coffee, and we were just drinking and talking about the ideas for the presents. I felt so happy sitting there with them:)

the surprise for the day was when we were shopping at Raffles' City's Paper Market. Sharon just strolled into the shop, and before my brain could even register it was her for real, I called out her name. haha, truly, my mouth works faster than my brain. Also, we have resolved never to drink matcha and azuki again. First and last.

I'm so glad we managed to meet up! haha, I hope we will never get tired of seeing each other;)

And because I met her, I was reminded of this theory I have in mind, that we might have had many chance encounters in our lives, but we will never know for sure. I guess the time wasn't right.

When our worlds collide, will I still be the same to you?

His ways and thoughts are Higher

2009-12-02T19:59:00.003+08:00

My mum just asked me about my essays, and I shared with her about what I feel about them and what I hope for in the future:) she's glad that I'm not too upset over the grades, and I was telling her that of course I am disappointed, but when I think of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to me over the years, I know for sure He will see me through. And as I was saying those words, I teared slightly. I am really thankful for how He is always here with me, and I believe above all, He is the one who wants the very best for me, and for all of us:)

also, there are so many more things and people who are important in life. I think today's trip out with sharon and grace helped to re-assure me of this truth. I was tired, but I just love spending time with them and talking to them. I'm really looking forward to our Christmas feast:D haha, I want to bake and cook so many things! until then, I shall source out the appropriate recipes:)

to live a little like Dean

2009-12-01T22:43:00.005+08:00

I like the feeling of not being bound by time.

Today was my first free day after the exams, and I didn't wake up to the sound of the alarm clock:) And for the rest of the day, I just watched my videos in peace, read some manga, prayed, and lived a life of a semi sloth. haha, it's a privilege to be able to laze around.

I liked the fact that today was slightly special cause my sis didn't go to work as she didn't feel well, and we spent the day together. It was nice to just eat lunch together, and just being at home together.

sharon and I will be collecting our american lit essays tmr before meeting grace for xiao long baos at chinatown! And I'm glad today's devotional materials all talked about the need to have faith in God's power, and to believe in the gifts of God:D

in any case, I am really looking forward to our trip to chinatown tmr:)

I just realised that my nails look purplish under the light. I like;)

that futile wish

2009-11-29T12:21:00.005+08:00

we woke up at 5am this morning to catch the sunrise at marina barrage. It was Yingqi's 21st birthday celebration:) The view was spectacular, and we were just standing there in a line, looking at the sun's rays slowly change from a dark orange color to a brighter gold.

we just stood there talking about our plans for next year, and we took lots of photos as usual. Then, the sprinklers went off. We screamed(well, the girls screamed), and we rushed to shift the bags and food away from the water. haha, it was quite comical seeing how gek theng was just telling us that a similar thing happened to her a few months back. oh well. we didn't get wet, and the food was salvaged;)

Karen went for a haircut recently, and her hair's really short now. It's even shorter than what I wanted to do to my hair, and she looks really good with the short hairstyle:D now, if only I'm fairer, if only I don't wear specs, and if only my nice friends will allow me to go for a haircut, I just might go cut my hair next year end. (year end!haha).

I learnt a lot of things today, and as cell was just sharing on how many of us wil be away next year, I felt a bit unsure. Somehow, at that moment, I felt a little apprehensive about leaving and embarking on a new adventure. (this is random, but I just remembered how our astro notes had this side note in the last lecture that says how we earthlings are ROOKIES about to embark on a new adventure). haha

like I said, it was just a sudden feeling.

and Karen was just saying how she can't imagine me staying overseas by myself. haha, I guess I seem to be a very dependent person. I guess I am in many ways. And honestly, I get that a lot. The people around me are always telling me that they can't see me living by myself overseas. Part of me acknowledges this truth, but somehow, I feel like explaining that I think I can see myself getting along relatively well by myself. Well, maybe not entirely by myself, but the idea is there.

but then again, there's nothing to prove. when the time comes, we will all know;)

Today was great, and I am now more sure than ever that these are the people I want to grow up with, and they are the ones I want to stay with.

I was surprised to see the rainbow, and I was taken aback, until I realized it wasn't a complete one.

I want to keep believing

2009-11-28T15:19:00.003+08:00

The weekend has just started, and already I can sense the excitement in the air. Four papers down, one last one to go. The astronomy paper was tough like we expected, and yet I had fun doing it. and then we went to ambush for dinner, it was simple and nice:) I'm really quite glad that my girlfriends make the effort to make me feel welcomed and comfortable when we go out together with their respective partners:D I'm just naturally shy when it comes to relationships, and sometimes I don't know what to say, but there has never been a time when I felt out of place. I think it matters a lot to all of us when it comes to balancing our friendships and relationships. It's like what grace said on friday, sometimes, we want to ask, and be there for our girlfriends, but we don't know how to. Nevertheless, we try.

Speaking of which, grace is back! and we had lunch(ban mian!) at the food court in marina square, and after which, we made our customary trip to Starbucks:)

Dark Cherry Frapp didn't disappoint;)I wished the toffeenut latte had more coffee and lesser milk. In any case, it was a relaxing time, and we were just talking about random things. I think we are at a stage in life when our conversations usually end up with the topic of relationships. and it got me thinking, sometimes I have things I want to share with my friends, but I just don't know how to.

I can't seem to put my feelings into words, and even if I do, they end up sounding awkward and silly. haha, that's me I guess.

And the funny thing is, now that I feel like I can share, I realize there's nothing to share anymore. So once again, when people ask, "do you have someone you like?", I end up saying no, because, it's the truth for now.

And I guess one thing that stops me from sharing is how my ideals and expectations are always too high to others. I know I sound too idealistic, and it may even come across as wishful thinking. But, I really don't want to let go of my expectations, because to me, if I let go of my expectations, then the person will not be the one I am really looking for. it's like grace's "all or nothing" belief. I mean certain not so important qualities can be overlooked, but some qualities are so crucial that they are almost necessary. Okay, I have no idea why I just typed an entire post about this. The words just came out. haha. I'm using this blog to tell of all the things that I want to say, but can't. so yeah. bear with me.

one more paper, and we're done for the semester:)

one step closer

2009-11-25T15:21:00.003+08:00

I'm making an intentional effort to blog about each exam paper. haha. Yesterday's Forensic Science paper was quite fun and interesting. It was the first time I felt quite anxious for a paper. Or rather, it's been a long while since I experienced such anxiety about a paper. we went to collect the urban essays before the paper, and for the rest of the day we were just on the topic of grades. It was a good conversation as I guess we found out more about which lecturers we now have to avoid, and how we are becoming increasingly distant from our grades. It's good that we are starting to let go of our obsession over grades and to just try to do our best and to commit the rest to God:)

I just wonder if we will really end up taking the lit courses that we discussed about. a lot of things can happen in a few months. and I have no idea why, but I keep having the feeling that when we return, a lot of the professors who we see now won't be here in NTU Lit anymore.

in any case, three papers down, two more to go! and grace is back in Singapore! haha, it's time for banmian. I wish carol's here with us too. but I know God is with her:)

bye bye prof. bates! your wit and humor were very much appreciated;D

keep that bounce in your steps

2009-11-23T17:53:00.004+08:00

We had our Medieval Literature paper today. And the most memorable thing about the exam was when the exam ended and Prof. Wadiak came around to collect the papers. I looked up with my brightest smile and said "Thank you!" to him. He had this wide smile on his face when he came by, and he looked a bit surprised when I smiled at him, but thank God! I guess I wanted to just convey my thanks to prof wadiak:) And just before he left the exam hall, he turned around specially to give us a wave, and quite a number of us raised our hands in response. I thought that was really sweet of him:D I know I'll probably never take his modules again, because he doesn't teach many modules in school, and he may not be around when we return next year. So I said a short prayer for him as I waited in the exam hall. I prayed that he'll have the joy of the Lord to be his strength, and that he will always be assured in Him. I prayed that he will always have that smile on his face and that he will have the light of God in his life. :)

Two down, Three more to go!

2009-11-21T12:57:00.002+08:00

Last night, you said a simple goodbye.

And I asked, "Why now?"

You called out my name when I least expected it, and you caused me to waver once more.

Why turn around when I have already moved on to my own path?

Why do so in such a natural way? It felt like it didn't mean much for you to be able to say that one word. You probably don't know how I had to struggle in order to do the same thing.

"Goodbye, and goodnight."

It was a strained smile, but it was the best I could give.

Let's go!

2009-11-21T12:49:00.002+08:00

There are some blogs that are constantly updated, and there are blogs that simply fade away. I guess sometimes life gets too busy and there's just no time to blog. It rained suddenly just now, so my mum and I had to rush to keep the clothes if not they'll get wet. what was amusing was how quite a number of people did the same exact thing: rush to their to windows to keep their clothes, and it felt like we bonded for that short moment. well, it's just a random thought. in any case, the youth WnI went well last night!

God's grace was really upon us, and I just wanted to spend more time sitting there in the chapel and just praying to God and sharing with the rest:) ever since my childhood, I have always wanted to belong to a team. like that of a basketball team or some kind of society, and experience the feeling of going through hardships and fun times together. I never had the chance to. But last night, I has a glimpse of that. the Hopers team was just gathered together in the prayer room, and we were all praying together, and as I closed with a short prayer, I felt like I have found my team. and as we closed for the night, I shared of how I was reminded so strongly that the reason why we can come together like that was because we all belong to the family of God. and indeed, they are the people I want spend my life with. Even though sometimes I don't quite understand them, even though at times, I can be quite shy, but I want to try, and I know we will always be a family:)

all glory be to God!

post-mo~

2009-11-19T22:26:00.002+08:00

so I met up with Fyeri today. at the start I kept thinking to myself how it felt like I was going to a matchmaking event even though I had no idea how the other person looked like or how I was even going to identify her.

well, in the end Fyeri turned out to look like nothing I've imagined because for the first time, I had no image in mind. But! she does look pretty and is very intellectual. haha, for the first time, I felt like a Singaporean cause I was doing all the ordering and I was like introducing all the local food to her. it was really a nice break. just talking and sharing about things I don't normally have a chance to share about with my friends. well, basically just POT and manga. and the food was great! haha, as I thought, she was slightly hesitant about the stingray, but ended up really liking it in the end. :D

as for today's exam, there was a chorus of us talking about how tough it was. and today's medieval essay was a bit disappointing. But! it reminds me that I do not want to take pride in my writing, and be stumbled by it. Also! These are wonderful opportunities to trust God and to let His grace be shown in my life!:)

haha, it was really quite fun doing the american lit paper, and prof. Yerkes had this glee on his face when he said, "you guys can leave the hall now." haha. so funny.

okay, one down, four more exams to go!

Youth WnI tmr! All glory to God!:D

I'm waiting

2009-11-12T21:14:00.002+08:00

I spent the past two hours trying to write a final conclusion to my essay. And till now, I am still unable to do it. I have no idea why, and it is funny and ironic at the same time because a few days back, I was just commenting to sharon that I cannot wait till I reach the conclusion for the essay because conclusion are always the easiest and the most enjoyable parts of my essays. But this time round, it is the toughest. I do not know what to write, my back is breaking, and I am about to go into hyper-ventilation. But! this is an excellent opportunity to trust God:D I am learning to depend on His grace, and hence, this will allow me to exercise my faith in Him. Lord, I have faith the size of a mustard seed, and You know I am tired, but Lord, I have faith in You, and I really believe You will see me through this. So Lord, will You pour out Your grace and fill me with the Holy Spirit? Amen! Thank You:)

2009-11-11T21:07:00.002+08:00

Things have been hectic, and I am really busy. But I am learning to depend on Him! I was just telling God how I feel so immature as I keep struggling over the same issues and not being able to overcome them. and I guess I really did suffer a minor breakdown last sat. I was just really tired that day, and my emotions got the better of me. burnout I guess. but! I am better now. I think it's really time to start learning and start applying in greater measure what I have learnt.

one objective for the year is to learn how to be GENTLE. this is an almost impossible task for me. but then again, phil 4:13 reminds me that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" and so, Holy Spirit, help me to be gentle in all my ways:)

so for all of us, let's press on and let's work hard together so we can enjoy our holidays together!Fighting!:D

2009-11-11T16:55:00.003+08:00

my neighbors must think I'm mad. or terribly stressed. perhaps, it's both.

for the whole day I've been trying to concentrate on my essay, and it really doesn't help that for the entire day, there has been some kind of event going on near my flat. So there is so much noise that I can only blast music into my ear plugs in a bid to overwhelm the noise coming from outside. and I just heard the emcee say, "everybody CLAP CLAP CLAP!". goodness. no wonder I screamed out loud just now. this is frustrating to say the least. BUT! we're going to make it Lord! We can do this:) MUSIC, PLAY ON!

2009-11-11T10:52:00.003+08:00

I am just awkward when it comes to relationships. and I honestly think I am commitment-phobic. Hmmm.

In any case, I am enjoying a short break from school, and meanwhile, essay time has been stressful but in a way, exciting:) I really like how I can use essay writing as a valid excuse not to do anything else. And I really just want to focus on writing a good piece. It calms me down when I know I do not have to think or do other work apart from typing and working on my essay:) weird, but yes.

okay, back to essay!

2009-11-04T20:41:00.003+08:00

technology is breaking down on me. Just earlier my "i" key on the lap top came out and my heart almost couldn't take the shock. And now my earplugs won't work. No matter how many times I clean the metal stick and try to fix it, it doesn't work. The music comes offs really weird, like the singers are so far away and all you hear is the melody and faint voices in the background. it results in a vr distancing effect.

Oh, I found a way to restore the original sound. I have to hold on to the plug. darn. all the time??

typing away~

2009-10-31T15:29:00.002+08:00

the time has come for the essays.

you know it's that time when all of a sudden, you need lots of snacks to keep you going. haha, it's not just that. For me, essay weeks always include things like kneeling on chairs in a bid to "generate" more creative ideas, escaping to my room just to lie on the bed for the same reason, and even resorting at times to take a shower just to develop my arguments for the essays. What can I say, I work the best under the strangest conditions. Another essential is of course the continuous playing of music. haha, I mean the continuous repeating of the same song. Apparently, it helps.

this is fun really. I like typing away at my laptop, and I like thinking about ideas that I can write about:)

My mum just showed a pair of yellow gloves for our trip in december. I thought they were those plush toys shaped like bananas. haha. But, they are really comfortable!;)

grace's semester has just ended. carol's semester has just started. sharon's, yiwen's and my semesters are about to end. time whizzes by as usual. I wish we can have more time to just sit at our library to browse and read through those books. I just realized it's time to fear less, and hope more.

So Lord, in regards to my UEs, and the rest of my study programme in NTU, and possibly NIE, it's all in Your hands! I want to have the grace to trust You more:D For it is indeed sweet to be able to rest in You, and to just take You at Your word. Thank You Lord Jesus!:)

Old Shanghai

2009-10-26T20:33:00.003+08:00

I should be reading my astro notes. But I just want to have a little more free time. I attended a wedding yesterday, and it was one of the better ones. I loved it when we all stood up to say grace:) To summarize, it was a good night spent eating, talking, listening to chinese oldies...I have never understood why wedding banquets take so long...maybe it is a chance for us to spend more time with those relatives we see once a year...but still, it was nice that yesterday's event was a rather close-knitted event, and the place was very well-decorated and it was very comfortable. I just wish that we could for once have started on time and ended a little earlier. it's really tiring sitting down for four hours straight. hmmmm...our seminars last for three hours, and I don't think the seminars ar too long...I wonder why. And I guess part of the tradition of wedding banquets is that they never can start on time. I am used to it, but...

I am not making sense, I shall just head off to read my astro notes in comfort.:)

Play On~

2009-09-17T22:20:00.004+08:00

It's been so so long. It was supposed to be for renovations, and yet, I haven't the heart to change this little blog of mine.

I've been reading through all my past entries, and I was so amazed at all that I've managed to type over the one-odd year. And somehow, I feel like typing again. I feel like typing again of Your goodness and Your faithfulness to me:)

A few weeks back, quite a number of us started on our third year in uni, and we were all talking of how quickly time passed us, and all of a sudden, we're in our second last or last year in school. Things have been hectic since then. Two presentations and many many seminars later, I am here typing and trying to recall what happened over the past two months. One "major" things that happened was the opening of our new HSS school in NTU. I remember how when we were in our first year, all our seniors were talking of how the school never did get started on the work of constructing the new building. at that point of time, being able to study in a building of our own seemed like a faraway dream.

now, I have attented so many lessons there that I have forgotten how we longed for the building and how it seemed so distant from us back then. one of the things I love most of the new building is the waiting space by the steps. Yiwen introduced me to that place, and for the past two times where I've been there with both Yiwen and Sharon, I felt so happy just being able to share that time with them there. I even made an agreement with Shu Hui to bring her there. Soon dear!:)

Right now I'm listening to a really old song I dug out from one of my earlier posts. It's funny how it's the same song, but it sounds so different now. It's Bob Dylan day tmr in school, and we'll be discussing songs:) speaking of which, I just thought of how nice it was to see ching again in school today. I miss attending his lessons, and right now, I wonder if I will ever have the chance to take his module again. Sometimes in life, we don't get second chances. And it's weird thinking and knowing how we may never be taught again by some of our lit professors. I can easily name a few I know I will never have the privilege of learning from them again. Even though there are very valid reasons why I won't be taking their courses again, it still feels strange that they were our teachers for only so short a while.

I guess it's really diff. in uni. when we were in yj, we spent so much time together with out teachers that even now, and I know for sure in the future, we will still always regard them as our teachers. their words and lessons in life will always remain with us. at least, that holds true with me. I saw mrs ansar the other day at j8. It was a very unexpected meeting, and at the end I felt that I have never been really close to her, and yet one thought remained in my mind, 'she is still my teacher.' and it struck me how she is really still my teacher.

I am rambling aren't I? I'm just happy to see that blogspot has finally corrected my posting page and it is the same as before. that and how I seem to have a lot to say. I must be typing for all the times where I wanted to type in the past, but didn't.

one last thing, I'm happy where I am now. And I know I will be happy wherever You lead me to, Lord. It's time to start living by Your grace:D And thank You for Your love, let me love You too:)

I miss my drummer.

2009-08-31T20:12:00.001+08:00

Today was a relatively peaceful day spent at home. I had some urban readings, and "Pale Fire" to get through. The urban readings sent me into a coma as usual, and I took a nap of one and a half hours. haha, it was a good nap:) I didn't manage to get much done today, but I guess it was enough. I shall strive to be more productive tmr!

I have to pack my room. Read the american poems. Read Chaucer. Get a headstart on forensic science. answer a few questions on the national campaign poster for urban culture asia. haha, I am just listing out what I have to do so I will remember.

for the past week, I have been addicted to one song. having replayed it over and over again on my ipod, I am now putting the song on replay on itunes. I guess the tune is what attracts me, and the lyrics are quite poignant. I guess over the past few weeks, I finally understood why people love for the sake of loving. there's this warped sense of wanting to dwell in the "sorrow" and "pain" of loss. this is not to say I have experienced it personally, but I had a sense of what it can feel like. sometimes what is not real can be imagined into reality. I shall resolve not to be disappointed any longer.

it's funny how you know things are not going to work out, and you really deserve better. but the silly idea refuses to leave your mind. well, this shall be my last thought.

2009-08-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing.

Trying to hold on to you was probably one of those silly things in life. It reminded me of how the imagination is really powerful. I thought I knew you, and I thought something has changed. But apparently not. You made all my previous actions and words all look unnecessary. Perhaps, they were not needed. Sometimes, I would wonder, why did we bother? What was it about you that was so attractive anyway?? Maybe our minds were in over-drive. Maybe we saw in you what we wanted to see. And in the end, we realized that you are not the one we are really looking for, you are not the one we thought you were.

Still, I hope you're happy. I know we will be.

the difference

2009-05-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Collide, Howie Day.

This song was playing over the music system at the ice-cream place my famiy went to tonight. And we were just sitting there sharing the many different flavours of ice-cream and waffles(they were really awesome btw), and I just remembered how I used to love this song and I would listen to it multiple times on my old mp3.

and I really thank God that I could just sit down there in the alfresco area, and have fun eating and laughing with my family. though we didn't talk much, but I'm glad we can spend time together. Lord, please take care of this family, and draw us closer to one another and to You!

all the calories for a good cause. I guess it's a fine bargain;)

and the walks were great Lord! I like to just walk on the streets of Singapore and have conversations with the people I love:)

another journey with You~

2009-04-25T20:32:00.003+08:00

I really feel like blogging, but whenever I think of coming here to type, I feela little bored. haha, it must be that I feel like I'm typing out notes rather than sharing my thoughts. I have been making notes for the 208 exam, and surprisely, it actually felt fun coming up with ideas and points. I really like the short films by Jacen Tan. I felt very happy watching and analysing the films.

and honestly, though I am glad we're only left with one paper left, I am strangely missing the feel of exams already. It's like I no longer mind taking exams. and exams are really quite fun. though I get bored writing sometimes, and at times, I have to struggle so badly to have something to put on paper, I have never once regretted taking some time off writing my essays to just take in the scene around me in the exam hall. I've probably said it before about how the things that I see in exams halls are really so amusing and interesting. haha;)

and so while people are scribbling madly away, I will just be massaging my hands lightly and glancing around the room, and observing how different people write their papers differently. this time around, the exams feel really distant from me, and for some papers I really have to depend whole-heartedly on the Lord, but I am so glad I can trust in His amazing grace and not to be anxious over the results. so praise God!

oh, and I think I might risk going out straight after the last exam paper this tuesday. haha, how can I reject a date with shu hui right?:) so hopefully, my immune system will tahan a little more. I'm looking forward to ending off this last school semester of our second year with a blast! and then the three months' worth of holidays that will be filled by work at CHIJ St Nics, lots of Starbucks sessions, baking and cooking sessions, and plenty of time spent with my very dear ones:D

haha, exciting times ahead!

It's all into Your hands Lord. I do so love You.

It's for You Lord:)

2009-04-18T18:40:00.002+08:00

I feel better after a really long nap of two hours after I studied for a while in the morning. Emotional breakdowns really do sap my energy away, I couldn't help the lethargy after the reflection on what I read, and I guess I just needed to rest.

I shall not give up, nor give in to the want to just drop everything and move on. but I shall also not invest too much of my feelings and expectations also. Expectations are really bothersome no? But to tell the truth, I was really quite hurt after I read those words of yours. It's like I really wanted to help, but it turned out wrong on your side, and I guess I was feeling hurt that I couldn't do anything to help and that I was a burden instead. But at times, I really just want to ask you if I do mean anything to you. I know you'll probably won't answer, cause it's not in your character to do so, but somehow, just now, I just really wanted to know if I mattered to you.

But even if I get no answers, I will just smile as He gives me reason to, and just do whatever He wants me to. :)

dwindling the time away

2009-04-11T14:49:00.003+08:00

I'm here trying to while my time away. After the nerve-wrecking rush of essay week for the past month, now that i'm free, I feel weird. I keep waking up in the mornings thinking I have to start typing my thesis statements. haha, honestly, I think I have "essay-withdrawal symptoms". so the weekend started off lazily. Good friday yesterday was awesome! elaine came to church to support our church's very own production of Blood Brothers, and she enjoyed it:) so did I. the acting was great and really touching, I teared like two or three times. and praise God for the amazing altar-call!:)

And I am still in awe of how much God loves every single one of us. that no matter what problems we face or difficulties we have, God is still God. In every season of our lives, God never fails to be who He is, and that is the reason why we can sing and the reason why we can love=)

on monday, the work will probably start again and just three more weeks to the long-awaited three months' worth of summer holidays!

Farewell, and take care

2009-03-13T12:05:00.002+08:00

I realised perhaps, I have never really said a proper goodbye to my school days in yj. I guess that's why I keep returning back to my memories of that place. and every time I find our old photos and remember all the things we used to do together, I will always end up saying, "Lord, I miss those days so much."

I recall vividly the day of our supposed graduation ceremony in yj. and as we sat down there in the large auditorium, as I re-hearsed the speech I was to give later, the p.a. crew played the song "there can be miracles" by mariah carey; the theme song for Prince of Egypt, and that was the moment our teachers started to walk down the aisle next to us. and as I tried to capture every moment of their walk down; the smiles on their faces, the slight hesitancy in the steps of some, as I saw all that, I started to feel tears in my eyes. for some strange reason, I felt I didn't know what to say or feel. for the past two years, those teachers have taught us, guided us, led us through all the ups and downs of our jc life. and we were just starting to get to know them, starting to be familiar with their ways of teaching, and suddenly, we realize that we were never going to experience many things we had grown accustomed to over the past two years.

no more of those famous scrambling and mad sprints to econs classes led by ms. aminah, no more of the complaining and groans of having to keep running on the tracks to practice for napfa, no more of those times of respite in mrs teo's gp lessons. no more of those gatherings during breaks, meal times, no more of sitting as a class on those yellow tables and blue chairs(right now, I struggle to remember whether or not I have stated the correct colours for the canteen furniture), no more of those hot mornings where we stand with "maps" of perspiration on our backs while waiting for assembly in the parade square. no more of those cold, cold afternoon breaks in the basement library, dwindling our free time away together.

no more of those mind-wrecking, stressful days with geography lessons, where we have to remember to buy fruits and to bring our files with everything supposedly filed in. no more of those endless "grumblings" at having to climb those steps to get to the geography classes at the fourth floor.(funnily enough, when we had to race up the same flight of steps for our econs lessons, those steps didn't seem that tedious;it was almost fun). no more of those amusing and interesting literature classes with mr sng, mr sim and of course mr spencer. no more of spencer's droning on and on about King Lear, Arundhati Roy, his nonsensical calling of almost vulgar names, his crazy antics with carol's floorball stick and the classroom's broom.I smile at how he would always tell us to write nicely in our essays, and yet he always ends up going around to explain what he himself wrote as comments on our scripts. I really do miss those warm and almost suffocating afternoons in the classrooms, hearing spencer's voice and the dull whirring sound of the fans above us, and the view we could see outside of our classroom doors.

no more of those cvd days where sharon had her most memorable moments of chopping those huge blocks of ice cream, no more of those days where all we needed to think about was schoolwork, no more of those days when every day we live in the constant anticipation of those final exams we had been preparing for, the moment we stepped into yj.

I sit here and dwell in nostalgia, knowing that I have done this for more times than I can remember, and yet somehow, this feels like the last. we all have our own lives to lead now, and all of us have our different paths to take; we all have our own memories to create.

but before we, or I move on, I just want to say, "Arigatou". Thank you for the two years in yj, thank you my dear friends and teachers for the times we've spent together. Goodbye,and do take care.

Perhaps, I will still drop by our school once in a while, and I know it won't ever be the same, but it's okay. It's fine, because we gave it our all back then. and though we could have done better, we know it was enough; our hearts were right then.

and with the help of my Lord, I will go on living with hope, joy and strength. two years down the road since that day, I feel I have truly graduated.

Your dream for me.

2009-02-11T19:28:00.005+08:00

My first free wednesday since school started has allowed me to enjoy doing things which I haven't had the chance to do for a long time. I was finally able to just blast the music from one of the cds, sing to my heart's content, read in peace, and watch my shows. but the best thing is I have finally understood one particular lesson.

I've been asking God this one question over and over again, "What do You want me to do?" and specifically, "Lord, what will You have me do in school?" I guess school is a major portion of our lives, because it takes up most of our days, and whether or not we like it, school has a huge impact on our lives. and I was unsure of what I'm supposed to do as a student.

my hopes as a student included that of: excelling in my major, having a flair for language, getting along well with my schoolmates and professors...but as I prayed and listed out all these hopes which I thought He wanted me to do, this sentence came into my mind, "what is it that you wanted to do?"

and somehow I knew I had consciously blocked out the one last thing in my list, and that is I want to be a lit. student. and I realized again how good the Lord has been to me. He knew that the only subject I wanted to pursue was lit. spencer helped sparked off this interest in lit., and it's a simple interest really. but along the way, I have been distracted by the many expectations people have of lit. they tell of how in order to be a lit student, you must have curiosity, you must have a passion to seek to know things, you need to write well, do well...and I forgot my own definition of what I think a lit student is. and He reminded me today, that I have always believed that a lit student is just a person who gets the opportunity to read texts and to share ideas about them. just that.

the world distracts us and puts us on a performance treadmill. it makes us believe we are accomplishing things only when we can be seen working hard and only when we see results. so we keep questioning ourselves about what should we do next, what do we need to achieve next..and we start to live our lives like it's a to-do list. and then we swing the other way and think we just need to be more spontaneous in life, go out more, do more exciting things to escape the dull routine of everyday life. I'm guilty of both. haha, that's just us humans I guess.

but I'm glad that's not what God created us for. He created us to love us and to let us enjoy His presence forever. we don't have to earn His love, and whatever we need, He freely gives to us. :) it took me many turns and stumbles before I learn to apply it to my school life. what He wants me to do, what I have to do, is what I myself want to do. For He has promised in His word that He will help me want and be able to do what He wants us to do.

What I want to do most is to know You, above all else, to know You. so that when I finally meet You face to face and You ask me what is my greatest achievement in all my life, I can tell You truthfully, "My greatest achievement is that I have known You".

2009-01-28T12:30:00.003+08:00

okay, I need to say this out.

pre-warning: I mean every word I say, but I am not saying it cause I blame any of you or I want to accuse you or anything. I just want to make myself understood.

Firstly, try not to tell me not to be emo, or that I've been emoing. for the past few weeks, I've tried to make fun of the issue and said things like making resolutions to stop being so emo. and yes, I'm still trying, but I realise when people point it out to me, or "make fun" of it as I do, it creates the opposite effect. so just steer away from the topic altogether, I'll be fine after a while.

Secondly, I'm past the stage of hidden meanings and trying to "decode" what people are trying to say. just tell it straight what you mean, what you want to say, what you want to do. sure, I may be offended or upset, but like I said, I'll be alright after some time. I just want to prevent as many mis-understandings as possible.

and lastly, I'm past also the stage of going out just for the sake of it. I refuse to go out just for some benefit or because it's nice to do so. when I do go out, it's because I genuinely want to spend time with you, and not because you're close to me and it's courtesy or you're nice and it'll be rude to turn you down. it's because I want to be with you, and I'm certain that we will all be encouraged by the meeting up.

before I end, I just want to say that I've reached a point in my life when I don't want to leave a time spent together, thinking that I have no idea what we were talking about or what have we done. Spending time together used to be always good, but I guess I'm seeking for quality time now. I'm not saying that every word that we use must be wholesome and godly or we must start sprouting wise words, it's more of a not just letting our conversations be directed by humor, because while humor is great for ice-breakers and for laughter, but at times, it serves no other purpose, and it doesn't mean much. I don't desire to want to have meaning in everything, but if everything is just words we spill into the air to generate some laughter, then it's time to start questioning if we're truly spending time together as friends. to me, friends are not here just to "spend some time together", we meet up because we intentionally want to bless each other in choosing to set aside some time to be with each other.

that said, I hope there will be no offences, and I'm just glad it's all out.

and sorry girls, for not being a genuine friend at times, during those times I was confused as to why things were like at those times, but now I'm certain of what I was lost over previously. and I'm sorry too, cause by nature, I am a very self-centred person, I tend to care more for my own feelings at times.

but one thing that struck me last night was that even though I am self-centred , I realised with humility, that I have been a friend. I used to blame myself for always taking and not giving, but when I looked back, I am thankful to note that I have taken much, but I have also given. Not to boast, but to be glad that I haven't been all too bad a friend. or at least I hope.I have decided not to be anxious over my friendships, and I have decided to not keep viewing myself as just someone who takes without giving.

it's in Your hands now; as well as in their hands. Teach me Lord Jesus, to be like the friend that You are.

Imprinted~

2009-01-24T22:29:00.004+08:00

I love this time of year when our breakfasts consist of food like pineapple tarts, kueh ban kek, love letters and various other types of chinese new year goodies. Yes, a time of break, food, red packets and oranges. each year, I know the exact places we would travel to for some new year visitation, and yet somehow, when the time comes round again, the people, the activities are different in certain ways. I really do like celebrating this chinese tradition, even though it may seem superficial on how we reduce it to the above things, but yet, I love it anyhow. It's just a very comforting period of celebration.

And today being the lunar new year's eve, what better way than to kick start the chinese new year with church?:) so we had fellowship in the morning, and we went for service. I just really love worshipping in that sanctuary of ours, and coming together to sing praises to Him. the joy, the celebration, the laughter, all of which were just simply splendid. Elder jeffrey goh was really amusing today in delivering the word, and I am really reminded by how God exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness, and how He delights in Him. And hence, whenever prof jernigan talks about the POV where some people think the God of the OT is much harsher than the God in the NT, I just feel like saying God has never changed and will never change! and if you think that God is harsh in the OT, it is only because you don't know Him at all. sometimes people just read a little and start judging based on the little they know and just start to believe what they want to.

haha, so if ever we want to boast, let us not boast of how wise, how strong, or how rich we are, but to boast only of how we know and understand Him!

and I just wanted to say how when the service ended, and the girls just gathered together, we just ended up hugging one another in a circle, and talking and praying, it felt really special. we were just standing there at the side of the hall, with our arms around each other, ushering in the new year with our Lord=)

oh, and before I continue reading my Oliver Twist, and start getting dressed for our reunion dinner,(we had a reunion lunch too;)), I just wanted to share this song that we have been singing in church: This is our God, by Hillsong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbrL64Ujb1c&feature=PlayList&p=CB49AB04379450C3&playnext=1&index=4

just copy and paste kay? cause I still have no idea how to upload videos. :(

some of the lyrics,

Freely You gave it all for us,
Surrendered Your life upon that cross,
Great is Your love, poured out for all
This is our God

and whenever we come to the part where the whole church sings in one united voice, "This is our God", it is just amazing. Lord, You are our God, and we will have no other. For Lord, there is none like You, and indeed, knowing You Jesus, is the greatest thing. Help us be Your victorious overcomers Lord; for the victory is won!

P.S- I kinda like the physical scars I got after falling off my bike. It brings me back to times I have forgotten, to people I have somehow written off. and just for a moment , when I look at them again, I remember.

Going with the music~

2009-01-10T23:00:00.004+08:00

Note of caution : my iTunes is currently on party shuffle, and it has churned out Josh Groban's Remember When It Rained. so yes, you all should know what mood it has set me into.

this is going to be a half emo, half light-hearted post. alright, let's begin.

was it on thursday that I told sharon that I would blog about how I start my friendships? yes, probably thursday. I had this epiphany on the escalator, that when I first begin to like the people around me, I like them not because of who they are, but rather what I see in them. So basically, what I see and like in you may not be who you really are, and if over some time, after I get to know the real you,if I don't quite like it, I may just slowly drift away. Unless, I see who you can be, and I like that part of you. well, it looks worse that I thought it was. haha. I guess I am just very superficial when it comes to friendships. but I like what Banville said in his book, "it is only at surfaces, that there is depth." well, that is a re-phrase, but it was something along the lines of that. and I guess I like it because, I feel closeness doesn't always have to be how much you know about a person, or how long you've been with another person. and over the years, I just gradually adopted this mindset.I asked grace over at the peak in Hongkong this question, "how do you determine whether or not you're a true friend? if I don't know things about you like what's your fave colour, what's your fave food, does it mean I'm not a true friend to you?" we talked about it against the backdrop of a dimmed sunset. and I gained insight, and yet, didn't shift much from my original POV. What I feel now is, I honestly want to believe that even if I know nuts about you, doesn't mean I don't care for you as a friend. It just simply means I probably haven't been able to spend much time with you recently, or perhaps, I just can't quite remember.

humour is always an ice-breaker and a device used to reduce tension. only with my close friends then do I use it with less ease. surprising no? the catch is the word use. with mere acquaintances, I can use humour most effectively, surprisingly, I can be quite talkative at times. because frankly, humour doesn't need much skill. with close friends, I hardly need to use humour; humour just happens. we just get into the flow of things, and we just connect and laugh, no need to think of what funny things we can say. and when I do use humour with friends, that's when I care enough to know humour is needed. and I know the ones I care about will always be able to pick up where I left off. it's like a common understanding. and really, I think it's fine. because in the first place, it is only when you are close enough with each other that you will even bother about what you're saying and hoping that the other will understand. and when they do, it's a special happiness. eclectic choice of words, but yes.

okay, what was my point again? iTunes is now playing Casablanca.

light-hearted, yes. I had great fun on friday! all the traveling was worth it. though I can't remember the details now, I realise that lyrics and details escape me. and the only thing that remains is just slivers of the memories. I remember the great food and company at Newton's circus. after so long, I heard myself being called "grandma" once again. oh, do I feel old. haha, no I didn't feel old. in fact, I felt strangely pleased. I didn't contribute much to the conversation, but there wasn't a real need to. I was just content being able to share in the gathering. short, but fulfilling.

as for the even shorter meeting with my cell group girls, it was brilliant as usual. I guess I just can't get enough of the time spent with them. every min is a joy. though I may not show it, or say it much, but the girls are really family to me. and I just love how we are there for each other. it's like all our flaws are accepted and covered over when we come together. =)

alright. I kinda drifted off, this post is probably going to end up completely emo.

and yes, I'm the kind who stands by train doors, with music in my ears, emo-ing my ride away. haha. but the emo moods gradually dissipate over the course of a day. the next day, you'll probably(or I hope so!) see me back to my cheerful self;) haha

someone get me my dark cherry mocha frapp. well, at least my much appreciated black tea latte is in stores now at last. I've waited a year for it. some things are worth waiting I guess. lots of things to do, and yet I so need to get the holiday mood out of my system.

come on, let's pass this with all that we've got:)

lead me Jesus, into where You promised

2009-01-05T18:58:00.003+08:00

Folly at the start of a new year. Yet, it's not too late to start over. Lord, Your return ball was good; it hit the correct spot. It's just you left me stunned at what You've revealed to me. I needed it, and You understood that it needed to be shown to me in this way; that this is the only way I'll understand and this is the only way that will make me want to turn away.

Father, You promised. So, let me cross my river Jordan in 2009. Be my leader, let me take the next step of faith into the water and let me see Your breakthrough, Your dream for me. I believe in Your goodness, in Your provision. Help me believe more.

I have returned Your ball with a weak shot Lord. Can we start over? Please, let us have a new game. Help me cross over from the wilderness into the promised land You have already given to me. I will not dwell on the past; I will set You before me, and I will run forward to You. I know You are with me.

2008-12-30T20:59:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. What on earth are our professors doing teaching classes like ours?? They should be out there in the field and being valued more than now! Okay fine, I mean I'm sure they are all recognised and valued by specialists in the same field, but still!

See the thing is, I just chanced upon the website on how people actually get their MA(Master in Arts) and their PhD(Doctor in Philosphy), and it's just really over-whelming.

here's the snippet:

Period of Candidature

Full-time candidates: minimum 2 years and maximum 5 years;
Part-time candidates: minimum 2 years and maximum 7 years.

Entry Requirements-

A good Master's degree in either English Literature or a relevant field from a recognised university;

Demonstrated ability to pursue research in the candidate's proposed field of advanced study. Candidates should include with their application a research proposal in which they outline what they intend to study and why they intend to do so, together with a sustained justification of their chosen methodology. Length: 2,500-3,000 words.

A PhD candidate is required to complete six courses approved by his/her supervisor, to attend all designated events, to pass a confirmation exercise (at a stage between 1 and 2 years of beginning research), to submit a dissertation of between 75-85,000 words and to take part in an oral defence.

http://www.ntu.edu.sg/HSS/english/courses/graduateprograms/Pages/DoctorofPhilosophy.aspx (I hope I won't be sued, haha)

did you all see that?

the insane amount of work people have to put in to get a PhD, and apparently all professors need to get at least a PhD right?

and honestly, when I think of how prof. wagner got hers at Cambridge, I just want to go up to her and say, "it's been really hard on you".

I guess they prob. love what they are doing so much that they want to pursue it to the end. such endurance really.

anyway, some good news, I know, the news these days have been quite serious and shocking, but we shall just move away and think about the lighter stuff for now. Teachers can receive an immediate pay of at least $5000 after training! haha, money's not that impt. but it's good that MOE and the society are valuing teachers more!=)

that's about it. I just wanted to blog about the PhD part. haha.

cheers!~

2008-12-30T15:06:00.002+08:00

我的天啊!

I have only TWO more days to complete my 2008's resolutions. haha

How am I going to dance in the rain and lie down on a nice patch of green grass in time before the year runs out?

and metaphorically just doesn't work. and I just realised, I have yet to try the dark cherry mocha frap. that yiwen says is really good. my my. what on earth have I been doing? haha, I have missed out so much! nah, I'm just rambling. I'm sure I'll be able to figure out how to achieve my resolutions.

though I have much to give thanks for this year, I'm not sure if I'm going to post my reflections this year. maybe a belated one, but for the next two days, I don't think it's going to happen. but I'm quite sure next year's going to be awesome=)

my dears，是时间穿上我们的跳舞鞋子了!:)

for the valleys and the mountains, though we can't dance our way through all stages of our life, but let us try to keep the joy of dancing as our attitude for the year ahead=)

thanks for the love in 2008,and remember to bring it forward to 2009 kay? haha, I'll try to increase my capacity to love come january 2009!;)

Christmas at home - 2008~

2008-12-29T12:28:00.006+08:00

"Healer" Lyrics
by Hillsong | from the album This Is Our God

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in you
I trust in you

I believe
You're my healer
I believe
You are all i need
I believe
You're my portion
I believe
You're more than enough for me
Jesus, you're all i need

Nothing is impossible for you
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hands

Here's my pox-inspired post.=)

So after a thrilling week in HK(more details later) I felt a little feverish on the flight back. and cause of turbulence, I wasn't even able to get some water to take my fever pills. but really, that night I experienced again what it means when we say worship has healing properties. I was just sitting there in my small seat next to the window, and I just started praying, and worship songs just started to play in my mind, and I just sat there and sang the snippets of songs I could remember. I remember very clearly I started off with Jesus, Lover of my soul, and when I moved on to Healer(the song above), I just felt something stir within me, and I had this joy and peace in my heart that I know He was healing me there and then already. And as I sang the words, "I believe You're my Healer, I believe that You are all I need", I truly believed, and the next moment, as I leaned my head against the window, I saw many many stars blanketing the dark space outside, and for that while, I was just in awe. I really didn't know what to say, at first I was shocked cause I didn't think we would be able to see stars on board a plane, but really, the stars were beautiful. and I just knew that God, the creator of Heaven and earth, the One who knows each star by name was holding me at that time, and He will never let me go.

the past week has been quite something:)just as grace said, instead of a white christmas, I got a red merry chrismas instead. at first I was really shocked that I had to spend my next two weeks at home, and I faced some anxiety over the many many spots over my face and body. haha, I tell you, when you get chicken pox, there's a higher chance of you passing out from starvation rather than the pox itself. cause there's SO MANY things you can't eat. things like chicken, seafood, things with black sauce, peanuts, eggs, garlic, beans...and lots more.

haha. crazy right? at first I was like okay, I shall keep to the list, then gradually as the week progressed, I was like okay, I'm past the stage of caring. so just eat some prohibited food. Chocolate! I'm not allowed to eat chocolate too! haha, that's the worst, I snuck some chocolate into my diet before my mum reminded me again that apparently chocolate causes the spots of the face to remain black. darn. so I am sad to say, even my chocolates are confiscated. nah, I just can't touch them. sigh. haha.

but really thank God, cause the people around me have really been very supportive and I'm very glad for you guys!haha, thanks dears for cheering me up through calls and messages=)

and even though I didn't get to spend christmas in church, I am glad I can always celebrate Christmas, cause I will always have Christ:)and it's quite a miracle really, cause on hindsight, I've already done all that I normally would do on Christmas. I went to check out the lights at orchard, took photos at the annual christmas tree gathering at taka, had an early christmas at hongkong's Disneyland(white christmas!), managed to drink toffeenut latte, and I was able to spend time with most of my family members and friends..honestly, I've been very very blessed:)

overall, it's been an unexpected holiday fraught with unexpected events and happenings, but a really good one indeed. oh, and one last thing, all glory to God for my As and Bs for last semester!haha, especially for my 207 module which I've blogged tons about=) indeed, Your faithfulness never ends. I'll continue to try my best for You Lord, and I'm glad that I can share of Your goodness to us all this past 2008. You've been an awesome God through it all!Love You:)

2008-12-04T22:54:00.002+08:00

The photo we took on Tuesday - Lao Beijing, P.S, 2008.

I remember we remarked on how we looked like we were having a family reunion lunch. It felt really nice to just sit down there and eat with one another, to exchange snippets of our lives. Not deep, life-changing stuff; just simple lunch conversations. We ended up talking in chinese(or attempting to..) for the rest of the time spent together. Family:)

Like stars~

2008-12-04T12:40:00.004+08:00

Grace and I both agreed that we're in a world of our own. or perhaps it's just me. haha. holidays are meant for shopping and slacking around, but I end up being more interested in browsing around in bookstores and accumulating books to read. currently, I have 3 books and one manga to read. and I've started on all four texts. brilliant aye? haha. and seriously, the semester has just ended but we are immediately thrown into the need to make decisions about our next semester's courses. and so we end up planning again our schedule and reading up on the content of courses and thinking of what modules are suitable. and honestly, 226-approaches to drama looks really tough. but, there's Stoppard! ;)

anyway, it's really weird to read blogs of other people whom you used to be friends with, but now are completely estranged. I just decided to check out one such blog as she had the address written out on her msn nick. to tell you the truth, after reading some snippets of the blog, I felt like I had no idea who she is, it felt like I was reading a stranger's blog. and after glancing at her pictures, I know that even if I pass her on the streets, I will probably not register it's her at all. well, I guess it's what my dad says, "C'est la vie" .

ooh. and this past week has been really awesome! haha, went out with sharon on monday, had a dim sum lunch with the cell group girls on tuesday(it's great to have lea and georgie back with us!), the snow white musical on tues with the school buds, and hitting town with grace yesterday. the lights are kinda pretty after a while=D and we ended up really engrossed in the manga section of kinokuniya, and checking out the different additions to the ones we read, watched this really random movie starring drew barrymore and andy garcia, which turned out to be not too bad at all. haha. at the start of the movie, we were both seriously regretting the choice of movie cause it was quite ridiculous, and it's really something we will never watch willingly. haha. but not bad, quite funny and I like the german shepherd in the movie:)

will post the pictures of the past days when I have them. haha, will message jen and grace later. oh, grace, if you see this, SEND THE NICE PICTURES you took with your Olympus!

and not surprisingly, I had this really bad headache this morning at like 5 am. I guess it's the busy days and late nights. seriously, the accumulation from one school semester really hits me after the exams. haha, but all's well now!

going over soon to my ahma's place. there's going to be or-mee! absolutely like it;)

alright. jumbled post. but a rough sketch of what I've been doing since the holidays started.

Father, pick me up, and help me stand where I've fallen. You know my weaknesses, but Lord, I know how Your strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And indeed, Your grace will always be sufficient for us. I commit my holidays and my next semester into Your hands Lord. Help us to shine for You!=)

Stone; not Sand~

2008-12-02T00:20:00.003+08:00

One last thing, I just chanced upon sammie's blog, and this sentence really "cracked" me up:"if the world were to be thrown into chaos one day (actually, it kind of looks like it's heading towards that)". I totally agree with how at the end of it all, As don't quite matter. but rather, it's what we do with our lives now. and yes, I'd much rather be studying the bible too;)

but the reason why I just had to quote sammie is because one of the lit texts we did last semester talked about the chaos. Chaos theory in Arcadia by Tom Stoppard. it just made me realise that indeed the world is spiralling towards chaos, and we are really just getting "disorder out of disorder into disorder". and that is when I realise, that secular texts actually have openings for us to link it to His word. precisely because literature texts(probably psychology, science, math...texts too)reflect or attempt to help us to understand certain truths in our lives, we are able to read them and understand how the issues look like under the light of our faith. and honestly, there is chaos all around, but we are still more than able to dance; to dance on this mountaintop, to see His kingdom come. because afterall, it is pretty calm in the eye of the storm no? the chaos is all around us, and it may shake us up a bit, but let our foundations be strong and right, so that when the winds blow, when the waters rise, this house of God will not fall.

Father, You are our refuge, our strong tower, our very present help in times of need. Let us hide in Your shelter; take comfort in Your resting place.

P.S- it's extremely interesting to see how sammie said the exact same thing Stoppard tries to say in his play. perhaps sammie, you have read Arcadia before?;)

2008-12-01T23:54:00.003+08:00

It's weird. It's like we are here, and we are the ones who haven't changed much. sometimes I wonder if time and space really affect people that much. I guess we won't really know unless we experience it ourselves. it's honestly kinda strange, cause it's like people have gone through so much on their own, and yet some of us only have deceptively simple differences to show for what has happened over the past months.

and more and more, I see how we speak the things we don't want to, and the words which we want to mean are lost in expression.

we focus on our minute lives because that's the only thing we can do. and that is the only thing we are called to do. to pick up our own crosses, and leave the rest to Him. and even though it may seem that we can't do much, I believe our prayers make a difference.

anyway, today was nice=D just what I needed. a spicy thai lunch,some light shopping, stocking up of school supplies, games, and coversations over desserts. thanks sharonny!(is this yiwen's name for you?haha).

sometimes, just sometimes, I realise the need for the music in life. and I learn to appreciate it a little more each time.

writing my papers~

2008-11-28T16:04:00.007+08:00

Strangely enough, I'm bored on the first day of my much-awaited holidays.

There were so many times during the past three weeks when I just wanted to come online and type all that I wanted to. But I was just kept from doing so, I guess I couldn't really formulate what I really wanted to say. Honestly, the past three weeks have been really really long. 5 papers in 21 days. Now that I don't face the prospect of taking hour-long train rides, I feel that there's something missing. As weird as it sounds, I am actually contemplating taking the train one of these days, from one end to the other just for the sake of it.

Anyway, I guess I will do a review of this semester's exams. not for an update, cause I probably spilled all the good parts to many of you already, but for the sake of reminiscing, I shall put the experience down into words, or what I can remember for now.

Public organisation exam was relatively fine, just a lot of unexpected questions which the prof. didn't ask us to prepare for, so I just ended up creating nonsense on the spot. that's for the short-answer qns, for the essay, I really thought hard and long for the points I wanted to write. so it was a pretty good paper. as for bus. law, well, I've never felt more out of place. my pen ink couldn't flow well, my handwriting became like a mess of scrawling(from the start of the paper to the end), and I had no idea where to copy from. haha. everyone around me were like frantically taking information from their own notes and the textbooks, and I was just sitting down there thinking if I can include some of the points from the book. and I was even thinking whether I should include in-text citation (I did btw). so yeah, the experience was unusual, but alright I guess. the passages were quite fun to read on hindsight. Not grey's anatomy, but can do.

well, the most exceptional and astounding exam of the lot was really my 207-contemporary lit paper. my first lit paper in six months, and hence, completely mis-judged the time. haha, thought I had an extra half-hour. but really, the adrenaline that washes over you when you realise you have only 15 mins to write a 33m essay which needs 45 mins to make it decent, is kinda remarkable. for a moment there, I froze, and everything went blank(typical), then my hand stared moving rapidly across the lines. seriously, I had no time to think at all what my ink-filled pages would contain. it felt like a race to put as many words down on the page before time runs out. quite a bad strategy really, I should have at least made some clear ideas rather than pure rambling. but! after soaking this paper in prayer, the word, sharings with friends, I now view the experience as something quite worthwhile. I have faith the size of a mustard seed(or maybe two) regarding the results, but really, even though I know I could have done much better, but it's a paper I really won't forget. and for that, it's quite something. maybe it'll be one of those things I'll remember at the end of our four years. "Remember that time in year two, where I scribbled an essay in 15min and had to join in the extermination of a bag load of ants afterwards?" "Yeah..We remember it..that was quite an event huh?"

alright..I confess. Nowadays, I keep thinking of what's going to happen 2 and a half years later. the future awes me I guess.

anyway, to cut the long story short(sounds familiar?;)), 209- southeast asian lit and 223-american lit went rather well. just that I was pretty disappointed our respective tutors didn't turn up as invigilators. quite a let-down really. less distraction, but what a half-hearted conclusion to the semester. but interestingly enough, for my last paper, I had Ms Mona Chew, one of our previous yj's econs teachers as one of our invigilators. so amusing to have her walk up and down in the aisle beside me, it felt so familiar. and my apology to prof. sim when he collected the papers felt like I was saying sorry for not being able to do well for his module despite his efforts. and thanks, for the experience nonetheless.

and so, our revels now are ended. haha, quoting from sharon, who quoted from beckett, who quoted from shakespeare.

our world is one of inter-textuality.

so, please yue me out this holidays! haha, but I might decide to be an introvert and stay at home. don't feel much like socialising this time round. so probably, I'll meet up with just the close ones=)

right. I want my book and my manga. why oh why is Banville so hard to find? and I want my Stoppard too. Borders it is then.

Still, Thank You lots for the many many blessings You've given all through this while. I've made many mistakes, but Your love has covered them all. so a brilliant Hallelujah to You Lord! Be Magnified Lord; Be Glorified.

Despedir~

2008-11-08T10:28:00.006+08:00

With a wink of the eye, the third semester in Ntu is finished. (three down, five more to go!)

But, I will miss the intriguing lectures on mondays, the grey skies and long days on tuesdays, the 50% free wednesdays, the american thursdays, and even the traveling on the fridays.

Ignore me. I'm just going to do a review on my most recent semester.

HA 201:

this course was a really random choice. sharon and I just had to have a fifth module and all the other courses were full. so in the end, we ended up selecting this, though we had completely no idea what the course was all about. and I remember that after the first lecture, I felt like I was thrown back into the economics days in yj. the technical facts about public organisations were just too much. It was on par with the difficulty of applying law. But as the weeks went by, I really found myself enjoying learning about the way public administrators work and the difficulties they face. and the movie Thirteen Days was absolutely fantastic=)so yes, great choice sharon, thanks!

MB 107:

this course came highly recommended by shu hui. and though we complained endlessly about the difficulties about this course, and how we really had to SU it, I still don't regret taking it. I wouldn't say I have passion for this course, but I feel that it has been a good one after it all. interesting to note the rights we have, and the way law can be applied to all aspects of life. and tan peng kwee was really quite an entertaining lecturer. His jokes started out lame, but carried on to be pretty amusing. so yes, this business law module has been an eye-opener, and I'm glad we took it. :)

HL 223:

American Lit! well, there's so much to say about this course! we learnt lots from prof. andrew, about the Harlem Renaissance, Transcendentalism from Emerson to Thoreau, death and violence in Emily Dickinson's poetry, captitalism in Chopin, racism in Twain, German expression in O'Neill, chinese myths and the lives of chinese-americans in Tripmaster Monkey, and of course, the differences between modernism and post-modernism. prof. andrew has been a great teacher, sarcastic, but takes a lot of effort in preparing for his lessons. expects a little too much from us, but oh well, who doesn't? besides, his stumbling over words and his ability to sing are things worth remembering and really he has taught us much.

HL 209:

haha, by now, my hands are getting a little tired, and we've still got two more modules to go! anyway, 209 turned out to be a huge surprise. prof. koh started the module explaining about the history of south-east asia, and it really was quite dry. but as the lectures carried on,she really inspired me to increase my general knowledge and even my knowledge of the Word! haha, cause some of the texts we went through included references to the Bible. so yes, the lectures were really helpful;) and even though I can't quite connect with the prof., but I've always felt that she deserves our respect. and I really do admire her as a lecturer. oh, and some of the texts are really fun to read. well, mainly Letters from Thailand. and I am really quite sad that we probably won't be taught by prof. koh again. but, all the best to her!

HL 207:

=). haha. I can't help smiling when I think of the unexpected turn in events. I was just reading through random blog posts of mine and I saw the very first post commenting on the first 207 lecture. haha, I shall not quote myself, but basically, I remember saying that the whole lecture resulted in my passion for lit. being drained away, and how I will probably not think or reflect on what I'll learn in lessons outside of school. and look what happened. seriously, I've never talked more about lit. and I've never reflected more about what I've learned in lit. the texts we've gone through have been awesome(what with Tom Stoppard's Arcadia, UBL, and Banville), and of course, not to mention, the tutors we have for this course;) haha, prof. murphy has really exceeded expectations, and honestly, so have ching and jeremy. I am really quite thankful I managed to attend one of jeremy's lessons. hearing him speak of what he loves is quite splendid. and ching has very insightful opinions about the many texts. at the end of the day, 207 has got to be my fave module, and I'm really glad we took it:) heh. just by comparing the amt. of words I have typed for each module is enough to realise which I favour more. haha, well, I don't deny my bias-ness=D

that's it for my review, and for the next three weeks, blog posts will prob. centre around the studying for exams.

haha, or maybe not.

Thank You Lord, for the amazing semester and for all the wonderful things You have done for us!it's been a very meaningful journey=)

words in ink

2008-11-05T11:22:00.004+08:00

Seriously, wordpress hates me. My comments are either considered as spam, or the website tells me that me comments are duplicated, and that I have already said it before. and it was my first time posting the comment!

haha.

anyway, I have to get back to my essay, but after reading sharon's blog, I just had to comment on how greatly our essay scripts differed. honestly, it was really amusing to see all the blue lines and words on her script. there was this particular page where it looks as though neil murphy drew a math diagram in blue on the page. haha, I could really see the pattern of the image. and as compared to that, ching's comments look like he was slumped over on the bed and he scrawled out a few lines of comments in red ink. haha. it really looks like he marked my essay at like 2am in the morning.

and yes, I just want to say THANK YOU to all those people who have prayed with and over me for the peace of God for this essay. Strangely enough, this essay meant quite a lot to me, and even though I know there are much much more impt things, but I just wanted to do well for this. and ever since ching said he would return to us the essays(two weeks ago), it has been bugging me. but thank God! I really felt very comforted that I had Him with me as I collected the paper. even though sharon said she could feel the anticipation radiating from me, I felt quite collected about it, esp. when I was sifting through the stack of papers for mine in ching's office alone.

well. that's that, and let's move on!

haha. one last day tmr for american lit!

oh, and the thing about reading through your own essays after receiving them back is quite surprising. Somehow, the words seem unfamiliar, and I'm not really sure I recall typing those words and those ideas..

2008-10-31T21:47:00.003+08:00

last day of the second last week.

I'm watching the days go by, and trying to hold on to them.

one more essay and article to go. four more classes and school's out for the sem.

well. nothing much happened today. another round of debates. which was more useful cause we talked about the seasian texts and authors.

and dropped off the essays for 209. I went into prof. koh's office for like ten seconds and all I saw was books upon books. like the shelves covered the walls and there's like hardly an inch of bare white wall. I honestly think professors' offices reflect their personalities. how I wish I can have my own space like that and to decorate it any way I want to. :)

and I still laugh to myself whenever I see the Allswell advertisement. and the sequel too.

oh and yes, my uncle david is buying back rice wine from korea for me!=)haha. and my uncle donald who migrated to canada for 20 years now is coming back in nov. for another visit.

20 years is really quite a long time. once in a few years he'll come back to visit us..and sometimes it can get really awkward cause I won't know what to say. but this time round, I'm really going to pray that he will feel most welcomed and that we'll just be able to talk and fellowship without being uncomfortable=)

I wonder if there's any lit texts which talk about the feelings of asians who have migrated overseas and come back to visit their homeland and family..prob. but we haven't really read any of it yet..

hmmm. I hope to

last lecture for 209~

2008-10-28T20:57:00.002+08:00

生日快乐!

haha. today marks officially the first year of my love-at-christmas.

and it was a long tuesday in school today as usual. and the main reason why I came to blog is because I wanted to say how much I will miss prof. koh and her lectures. I mean it's kinda weird cause it's not like I am really close to her or anything, but somehow, I just really like her. it's a strange feeling. I don't remember being so upset about other professors who have already left us. why is it that professors here are like here for one or two semesters and they'll pack up their bags and leave?

first it was prof kenneth chan, then prof quigley, and now prof. koh. and the thing is, we're just getting warmed up to the lessons! sigh.

and apparantly buddy is right. there's no privacy on the net. it's like today prof. koh was telling us how she chanced upon a student's blog and it so happens that the student was blogging about her. well.

anyway, today's 207 lesson left me feeling quite guilty and burdened. sigh. why was I staring so intently at my notes?? I guess I just don't feel comfortable as of yet to look people in the eye. I remember I used to be able to just look at others while we talk, but now I seem to be more "interested" in glancing down and fixing my eyes to the side of the faces of people who are close to me. I feel so scrutinised. and I feel like I stare too much. haha. I honestly say that I stare not because I am staring, but rather, when I am listening intently, I have this look that passes off as staring. sheez. why am I explaining myself?

haha. it's the overflow of the guilt. but no worries! I'll be guilt-free in just a while!haha. romans 8:1- there is now NO CONDEMNATION in Christ Jesus.

how I miss the way SP would teach that over and over again on sundays. kinda like how ms. aminah used to drill economic theories into our heads. but of course SP does it in a non-intimidating mode.

that's about it for my ranting. perhaps I'll edit it later. till then!

on wings like eagles~

2008-10-27T11:14:00.005+08:00

I can't get started properly on my 223 essay, so I shall just take a break and type out what I've learnt in church yesterday=)

Being a true Disciple in the midst of Storms.

that was the topic. and I was really glad for the teaching. for the past weeks, the winds have been blowing and the waters have been rising, and it was quite dis-heartening for me.

but the word on sunday just reminded me that we just need to call on God for His peace, wisdom, and favour when storms come. and no matter how strong the storms of life are, our God is way stronger:)we just need to get our foundations right by anchoring our lives on the rock of our salvation.

2 Peter 1:3-4(He has given us EVERYTHING we need in life!)

3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

and when SP led us into a time of praying down on our knees with our chairs as our personal altars of worship and surrender, I just knelt there and told Him that I really want so dearly to be close to Him and to have a much deeper relationship with Him.

1 Peter 5:7-( I just really clung on to this verse, and cast down all my anxieties at the foot of the cross)

7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

I believe it's time to cross over to the other side.

Time to hold firmly onto His hands and to go through the storms.

Father, I want to know more and more about the One who holds my hand in this race that I run.

and I know, that by faith and Your grace, we will soar with You above the storms and we will rise above the floods in our lives.

Nahum 1:7-

7 The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in Him

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood,
And I will be still and know You are God.

near the end~

2008-10-25T19:49:00.004+08:00

Two or three weeks near the end of every school semester, I would always be a wreck. The time when the weeks are crammed with essays and tests is the time when I start to get crankier than usual. Lots of things just occur either simultaneously or back-to-back, which leaves me feeling highly miserable. okay, perhaps my choice of words is a little too harsh, but I really am not my best during these times. and right now, I'm stuck here in that time of year again.

I shall not blog about the times when I have been upset nor the times when I feel like throwing everything down and just do nothing.

anyway, when this time of year comes round, the lectures and tutorials get a bit unusual too. we don't really know when's our last sessions so the mood's pretty tensed and weird. like the inevitable(sharon's current fave word) end is near, but we're not quite sure when exactly it will be. and the mad rush to wrap things up is crazy really.

and I'm still quite puzzled and troubled over yesterday's 209 tutorial. I thought we were having a review, but we ended up having a debate over which fictional character should be voted "protaganist of the year". and so there were characters like sherlock holmes, mr. spock, dracula, jean grey, woody, nancy drew...I ended up choosing Velutha from the god of small things. cause the text has been in my mind ever since the school buds talked about it. but not many people in the class knew about him. anyway, I got knocked out by dracula which was represented by joseph. haha. and geraldine told me to choose another character. so I thought really hard cause my brain wasn't working, and in the end came up with brilliant Captain Jack Sparrow. Which incidentally brought me into the finals of the debate, to be up against of all characters, Barbie.

I tell you, the results came up to a draw, but in the end I myself voted for Barbie. cause you know what, she managed to link up Barbie with an argument that Barbie can lead us to utopia. haha. and how the toy is more than a toy and it represents a unification of all women throughout the world. and how it is an international icon recognised by almost everyone..and some other things which I forgot.

halfway through my debate(we had a few rounds), I couldn't think of what to say about the captain, so I just ended up saying, "well..he's captain jack sparrow, good-looking, witty, intellectual and drinks lots of rum, do I need to say more?"=)

but my final speech was,

Captain Jack Sparrow is a flawed and full-fledged character who lives his life to the fullest. Despite his supposed frivolity, he takes life seriously by daring to believe in his dreams and pursuing them to the end. He never gave up on the Pearl, and he challenges us to put aside our need to care what others think of us, and to just do what we want to do.

(well, of course it came out more strangled than this smooth flow of written words. seriously, the confrontational nature of debates just makes me stumble over my words and it gives me a headache after it all).

amanda being the debater she is, wanted to write an essay after the class against Barbie. I guess after typing it all out, the troubles are gone:)

"the smouldering streak of sunset fire"

2008-10-22T14:21:00.008+08:00

I feel elated today.

prob. because I felt down yesterday. haha. doesn't make sense, but a girl can't stay moody for two days straight right?

so I'm back on the re-bound. and I had a glimpse of the long faded passion for literature. I can't help but sigh a happy sigh and smile my blissful smile. I guess I have found where I belong in school. in my english literature classes. I myself can't believe it until I noticed the stark contrast of how I behaved differently in my classes. I went into my public organisation tutorial having read my notes, highlighted the impt. points. and yet when I answered the qns, I had no idea whether it was right. even when the tutor said, "right, right" as usual, I didn't feel a thing. I felt like I was just plucking out words from the pages and muttering them out word for word. I kept fidgeting in my seat, like I couldn't find a comfortable spot. I never really felt I answered anything correctly in my elective classes before. even if the answers were prob. right, it just doesn't resonate with me.

and so I just tried my best, and carried on from my first class to the next. I went to ching's class, and sat down with my lit. text. I thought we were doing banville today, but it turned out that we were going through ULB. so I stood up sheepishly and wanted to scoot over to the other side of the classroom to share with someone. but the tutor caught me in the act and I had to explain why. haha. ching lent me the book on hearing my reason and somehow I read it like it was mine and I almost highlighted some lines while reading. haha. thank God I didn't.

anyway, then shereen came in and we just ended up listening to what ching had to say about the text. the class didn't have much to contribute today and there wasn't any group work so I didn't speak much. only asked what was ching's definition of "pretty good" when we asked about our essays.

and as I left to go home alone, I realised, that in my lit classes, even though at times I feel trapped in wanting to say things but I can't, even though I don't speak much, and even though I get my opinions wrong half of the time(yes, there is right and wrong in literature!), I still feel contented. because the reason why I am bothered with how I take my lit lessons is because I care. I care enough to reflect on the lessons and the thoughts I have about the texts.

and the sense of delight when our literature tutors smile and say "excellent point raised" when we answer is just amazing. when you give the right answers in lit, it just feels right somehow. I feel like I'm besotted with literature. =)

and I just realised, I never shifted at all when I attended ching's class. didn't fidget at all and felt so comfortable and at peace there even though I didn't bring my text and didn't share my points.

I'm really glad I had a wednesday like this today:) Thank You Lord for answering my prayer this morning!;)

more of days like this please!haha

2008-10-16T20:07:00.002+08:00

Teary eyes. Blocked nose. Deep breaths.

I think I am falling ill. I just took some activad. I think the really strong drowsiness should hit me by 9. I will sleep then.

I will have to put off work.

I am contributing to the annual waste of the world in rapid use of tissue paper.

I can feel my eyelids becoming heavier.

I shall just round up what I am doing.

joys of e-learning

2008-10-15T11:20:00.005+08:00

I just finished my first e-tutorial in uni. and it was really interesting!haha. it was real fun. at first there were some technical glitches, but after a while we just got used to the muffled sounds and echoes.

and it's really quite amusing to think of what we looked like while attending the lesson. Personally, I was sitting in my pjs(I just woke up), and having my bowl of cereal for breakfast while listening to the professor. it felt so comfortable and I was even able to jot down notes efficiently while I listened. it felt surreal that I was having school at home and being able to just glance at my surroundings without so much as any restrains.

haha. after this incident, I'll willingly support any upcoming e-tutorials! e-lectures aren't that fun cause it's just the lecturer talking on a screen and it gets a bit monotonous after a while, and the lecturer tends to speak really fast and it's almost impossible to take accurate notes(like prof. kenneth's lecture on mimicry of all things).

and now I'm quite hyped up about starting work for the day=) haha, hopefully I'll be able to finish my HA essay well by today. and so many readings to complete!!

haha. back to work then.

randomness

2008-10-12T18:49:00.003+08:00

I absolutely love Sundays=)

haha. It's great being able to just have breakfast fellowship with cell. just sitting down there in our HQ and sharing about our past week,eating homemade food, playing games..and we celebrated adrian's birthday after service today!I cannot believe he is the same age as mr sng! I mean, as compared to mr sng, adrian looks young. like so different. and I finally managed to have lunch with them. haha, normally I'll get whisked to my grandma's place for lunch or I have to have lunch with my family(not that these are bad options). but still! it was very nice being able to eat with the rest.

the rest of the day has been pretty ordinary so far, but, I prayed during worship earlier on that the last month of this semester(excluding exams) will just be filled with excitement and joy. haha. didn't want to waste the month away in boredom and nothingness.

ooh. and grace, my mum recommends the olympus camera!heh. I'm waiting for my camera to be delivered too:)and sharon, TABOO rocks huh? try playing it in chinese, it's very amusing and very fun too;)haha, and leadersheep mates!we must arrange for more outings kay??

it looks like I'm back to using my blog as a large tagboard. oh oh, this blog is turnng ONE soon!haha, I'm so going to celebrate its birthday=)well, I hope I'll remember it.

2008-10-06T15:37:00.002+08:00

A lazy monday afternoon.

Looking at the world through slanted eyes.

I had to apply what I learnt in devotions today. meekness in the face of sovereignty. extremely hard lesson to learn, but when you get past it, the revelation is that it's really a simple lesson.

I was just feeling frustrated about plans today as I shared with the school buddies. and as I was walking home, I just felt angry at myself for causing extra work for others, and how things don't seem to be working out. I started rambling and that was when I remembered the devotions lesson. when things are not working out, and when you don't understand why, trust that He is good and He has the answers. and I remember praying to Him once, saying that if He allows me to go, then He will provide everything for us.

and as difficult as it was, I raised my hands and just surrended the matter to Him. albeit half-heartedly, with faith the size of just a mustard seed. and I let the matter go. not even an hour after that, the good news came in. everything's settled. and I just sat there on my sofa and wondered at the simplicity of how everything fell into place. and I was like, "Lord, I'm really sorry I took so long to trust in You". sometimes, we think it extremely difficult to let go of things, and to trust in Him. But honestly, on hindsight, it is just a matter of choosing to believe in His goodness.

thank You Lord, for teaching me that and for making all these possible. You're amazing, and not just because You give good and perfect gifts, but rather because You're the most perfect Giver.=)

Even in Arcadia, there am I~

2008-10-05T15:03:00.005+08:00

My my.

I spent two and a half hours absorbed in Tom Stoppard's Arcadia. And it left me reeling with information and trying my best to make sense of it all. My curiosity even prompted me to sit down with my two Nortons and hastily searching for any information I could find on Lord Byron and Coleridge. all at a time of close to quarter to midnight. which strikes a chord now as I remember how the lessons played out in the play end at quarter to twelve.

anyway, even after reading Norton and re-searching on the net about the play, I sense I am no closer to understanding the genius of Stoppard's work. Brilliant stage effects. Absolutely fantastic doubling in the play. and what interesting debates between science and literature. even though I couldn't quite comprehend all the mathematical and historical information given, but it was just fascinating to see all come together. people of the past coming in, people of the present going out. all through the same doors, meeting all in the same room, same house. Separated only by fictional time and imagination. The objects on the table-a collection of the blurring of the past and present.

I highly recommend this read. In one setting. Even though I don't fully grasp the text, but just being able to soak it in is amazing in itself. The character of Thomasina is by far my fave. The wit and manipulative ways of Septimus is quite amusing too. and that last scene of them dancing a waltz? Dazzling.

haha. I realise that this post is my way of trying to come to terms with the play. well. I hope it's interesting enough to prompt people into wanting to read it. it is truly overwhelming in the best way possible. If done right, the play would be an absolute hit. But just the written play itself with the imagery of the mind is magnificent enough already.

2008-10-04T20:25:00.004+08:00

I just love being able to go online and listen to those old old songs. Classics are fantastic=D

the weekend's almost over. I don't really feel like doing much. I guess it's the after-effects of slaving over a make-it-or-break-it lit essay for the past weeks.I felt like I was posting a letter when I dropped my essay into the box at the office. I had to tip-toe to slide my essay in. haha, small detail, but I felt something which I can't quite describe.

anyway, I had the most horrible stomachache today. just bad. I had to cope with it all the way from sengkang to church, and I really wanted to attend hop, but I couldn't get out of the washroom. sheez. just bad. it was like the first time I saw my face pale. haha.

well, I'm glad it's over. oh, and I'm going to read Tom Stoppard's Arcadia later! haha, so exciting=) perhaps I'll post a review of the play tmr.

the new season of House MD is out! struggling to keep up with it. but oh well, it's still fascinating.

and grace, I have the vcds of the previous seasons.

yup. short post.

2008-09-24T20:47:00.002+08:00

我很希望我能实现我的梦想.

2008-09-17T17:37:00.002+08:00

and after seeing my post uploaded, I just noticed the previous post with the band-aid poster.

thank God=)

You are my Healer indeed.

and I pray with all my heart that You will be the Healer of all the people I know who need healing. Father, be with them and let them know You will always be there with them. Heal them Lord, be all that they need.

2008-09-17T17:16:00.005+08:00

the dark red circles seemed to make the floor a piece of art. I could almost imagine the splatter of red ink across the blank, white canvas. random spots which decorate the parchment. in any case, it didn't feel morbid staring down at the floor.

well. it was the pain which got me going. haha. you must be wondering what happened. I cut my left finger while throwing out the trash. a sharp edge of the tin can. it happened in a split second, and I didn't realise it until I saw the blood dripping frantically onto the kitchen floor. I don't think I have ever seen that much blood before. It was like the blood just couldn't stop flowing from my finger and tissue upon tissue was soaked. okay, parts of the tissues were soaked, not entirely.

and for a while there, I felt like I wanted to cry.

my parents told me to go to the doctor and I did. I went on auto-pilot, and didn't even realise I was already at the clinic. the treatment was bearable, but I was reminded of the smell at jurong east station. the smell of medicine, and the particular smell of clinics.

and I guess it didn't hit me until I paid for the bill and realised it came up to 46 bucks. and to tell you the truth, I was quite upset. I went back home and started rambling to God how exorbitant it was to treat the cut. I mean I know it is quite deep but 46?? and I guess the helplessness I felt earlier just transformed into the upset feelings. I just didn't understand some things.

and there was this moment in the clinic where I was getting treated for the cut, I just prayed so fervently that nothing like this would ever happen to grace, lea and georgie. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted God to protect them more now that we can't really be there for them physically. silly really. I mean I know God will still protect them.

oh well. anyway, shall not dwell on it! haha. I'm fine people!=)

alright, I promise the next post will be happier!;)

He wants to comfort you~

2008-09-07T20:37:00.007+08:00

My child’s feelings are hurt. I tell her she’s special. My child is injured. I do whatever it takes to make her feel better.

My child is afraid. I won’t go to sleep until she is secure.

I’m not a hero. I’m not a superstar. I’m not unusual. I’m a parent. When a child hurts, a parent does what comes naturally. He helps.

And after I help, I don’t charge a fee. I don’t ask for a favor in return. When my child cries, I don’t tell her to buck up, act tough, and keep a stiff upper lip. Nor do I consult a list and ask her why she is still scraping the same elbow or waking me up again.

I’m not a prophet, nor the son of one, but something tells me that in the whole scheme of things the tender moments described above are infinitely more valuable than anything I do in front of a computer screen or congregation. Something tells me that the moments of comfort I give my child are a small price to pay for the joy of someday seeing my daughter do for her daughter what her dad did for her.

Moments of comfort from a parent. As a father, I can tell you they are the sweetest moments in my day. They come naturally. They come willingly. They come joyfully.

If all of that is true, if I know that one of the privileges of fatherhood is to comfort a child, then why am I so reluctant to let my heavenly Father comfort me?

Why do I think he wouldn’t want to hear about my problems? (“They are puny compared to people starving in India.”)

Why do I think he is too busy for me? (“He’s got a whole universe to worry about.”)

Why do I think he’s tired of hearing the same old stuff?

Why do I think he groans when he sees me coming?

Why do I think he consults his list when I ask for forgiveness and asks, “Don’t you think you’re going to the well a few too many times on this one?”

Why do I think I have to speak a holy language around him that I don’t speak with anyone else?

Why do I not take him seriously when he questions, “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11)

Why don’t I let my Father do for me what I am more than willing to do for my own children?

I’m learning, though. Being a parent is better than a course on theology. Being a father is teaching me that when I am criticized, injured, or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me. There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt, and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark.

Ever. And that’s enough.

From Max Lucado,
The Applause of Heaven
© (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999) Max Lucado

=D. I felt this rush of love for my Lord after reading this. and I went like, "Awww..God, You are so good to me". And I was reminded of this challenge from a pastor, do I dare believe that not only is God good all the time, but that God is good all the time to me.

and yes, I do want to believe in that promise. the past week and prob. the next two weeks will be hectic, but it's still been manageable and the lessons are getting more interesting. haha, boring stuff on school I know. I'm just trying to loiter here a while longer to put off starting on my public organisation assignment. haha. ooh, we played a new game in cell today, I think it's called polish UNO. as taught by judith=) it was super fun.

and when karen asked me how has my week been, I just felt so comforted that she asked. like I know she really makes the effort to know how we are coping and she is really interested in our lives. brilliant cell leader of ours no?:)and when I told karen about my recent conversation with grace being the highlight of the week, she just immediately asked how is she and all. and for some strange reason, I felt very touched. like there isn't this distinction between my cell mates and my friends? it's like we are all friends of each other. and we can just share freely about our friends in cell, and we'll genuinely care for them=)haha,and it's the same vice versa! heh, what can I say? My friends are awesome;)

okay okay. time to go off. oh, one last thing, dare to belive in the great and mighty love Jesus has for every one of us, and when you find it, never let go of it. and if you have not found it, don't stop till you do. it is indeed something so remarkable that God wants all of us to experience it for ourselves!

till the next post!

2008-08-30T18:54:00.002+08:00

OVERDOSE. of mangoes and soya bean milk.

now I feel apprehensive about taking either of them. one look and it's enough to get me heading the opposite direction.

anyway, thoreau's been mundane. though he's slightly better from emerson, but all the philosophical ideas are wearing me out. and I have yet to get started on my american lit essay due in two weeks time. I resist the urge to sigh.

I can't seem to get the hang of reading my american lit texts, and honestly, the last few books just put me right to sleep after 5 pages max. that's really a record on it's own. I mean seriously, I make an effort to sit and read the book, and within 10 mins, I just close to rest my eyes for a moment, and this "drug-induced sleep" takes over.

but! I am glad for my friday conversations. it seems that ever since the first week of school, everytime I finish my only tutorial on fridays, I will always have company home. it was amanda the first week, then elaine, then zhining, winifred and angela. it's been pretty awesome really=) people I can talk comfortably with.

but I felt a little bad about elaine and amanda cause I didn't really have a chance to say bye before leaving the class. sigh. sometimes, I just care too much about others' impression of me.

but oh well, no point dwelling on that.

another fantastic thing that happened last week was that I finally managed to talk to grace online!it was quite a miracle cause I really wasn't planning to go on MSN. but somehow I felt this prompting to just check if there's any message from grace or if she's online. and the moment I signed in, I saw a msg she left behind! thank God:)

so yes, thanks for the chat grace;)

hmmm. and, train rides seem shorter these days.

just that.

2008-08-27T15:09:00.004+08:00

Can you love someone in a moment as intensely as with a lifetime?

Today's tutorial left my mind reeling of all the questions the tutor asked us.

Time. Love. Loss.

Time seems to be the only thing which contects us. You have changed. I have changed. But is there something that remains constant all these while? WE share this promise-the promise that you'll wait for me. THEY share this expectation of us being together once again. At the end of it all.

Will you really wait? Or have you already done so?

When you say you love me, do you really love me? or are you in love with the idea of love?

After two,three, no, fifty-one years, will you still be in love with me? or will you be in love with the person you first fell in love with?

can I love you and yet be in love with someone else too?

who sets the standards of love? who determined the way we should or ought to love each other? who qualified what's wrong or right in love?

I've lost my sense of perception. I don't know what is real, nor what is an illusion. I thought I have already forgotten about you-erased you from my mind. but no, the thunder before the rain reminds me, you linger still in my memories.

And yet, as we sail, you make another promise. This time, you promise me,

Forever.

- Fermina Daza, Love in the time of Cholera.

well, it seems that I have transformed the questions that I've been asked into pointers from the female lead herself.

I honestly believe in the novel, she wouldn't have asked these questions, and yet, perhaps she ought to have done so.

hmmm. I actually wanted to type something else, and I guess I ended up revising my work while blogging. and why did I type it from the POV of Fermina? cause it's way
easier typing you and me rather than, "if someone says to someone...and if that someone..."too much of a hassle.

and as for my answer to the very first question, I honestly do not know. but one thing I know, is that someone can love another person. and perhaps, that is all we need to know.

as taken from the song, "Don't know much" by Aaron Neville and Linda Rondstadt:

I don't much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know

I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all there is to know

The only truth I will ever know,
Is Me and You.

You are enough~

2008-08-22T11:36:00.004+08:00

If you believe God is enough for you, then you will always have enough. For you will always have God.

- Max Lucado, Every Day Deserves A Chance.

I was just so amazed at this quote when I read it. Indeed, the assurance that I will always have God with me is just brilliant. I was just reading the book in the train yesterday and it was about how there is no need for anxiety. Cause no matter what happens, God knows the itinerary and He has everything prepared already. Just as He provided the manna and the quail for the Israelites in the desert, He will provide for our daily needs daily. For help comes when we need it.

And as I read that, I just resolved not to worry about future problems, and just take a step at a time, and just rely on Him to provide for me at that particular time. I know the world has this mindset that relying on God is a weakness and that as long as we can help ourselves, we should not bother God and we don't really need God.

For me, sometimes I think the same way. Like God will only help me if I help myself and I shouldn't impose on Him too much. but I thank God that He has constantly assured and reminded me that His command is for me to trust in Him and to reply on Him! It's a command=) And I realised that the reason why we don't want to "impose on God" is because we think we are self-sufficient, that we just have to work hard to get what we want. And that is exactly what the bible calls the pride of life. The self comes first.

And honestly, I don't understand why we fight so hard to "seem strong" or "be able". because frankly, no matter how much we would like to say our achievements are so because of our hard work, isn't our lives and hence everything we do from God?

so for me, I'm just happy to be able to have my Jesus. let us not be afraid to trust in Him to provide and to shelter us. If He asks us to approach His throne of grace with confidence, then let us do so with faith=)

indeed Lord, You are all I need:)

high school memories~

2008-08-13T21:15:00.003+08:00

today, I felt like a high schooler once again.

went back to the place where the high school memories were the the most poignant. lingered in the mall we used to frequent, took the buses we used to queue in line for. met batch upon batch of fellow juniors, whose faces I tried to recognise, but failed. the same uniform, the same looks.

on the bus back home, I met a friend from the same school. we started a conversation and for the first few moments, I tried hard to figure out where to place her. high school? college? it was only after she mentioned the word dance did I realise that we were fellow dancers back in school.

but it was okay. because what mattered wasn't whether or not I could remember her name or how we met, but rather how we spent the time we had together. I found out more about her in the short 20 mins that I ever did while back in school. we said our goodbyes and as usual said our ," we'll talk more the next time". somehow, I'm not sure if there will be a next time. but I'm still glad for the chance encounter.

crossed the same bridge with the same idyllic view. and as I walked down the last flight of steps, this thought lingered in my mind and heart.

four years on, and we haven't changed much.

or have we?

day one of year two semester one~

2008-08-04T16:55:00.006+08:00

as expected, prof. neil murphy thwarted all my expectations.

but I'm quite glad the school buddies felt about the same about the first lecture back in Ntu.

after three months, things feel just a little different. just a slight difference. the people look about the same, the cliques remain similar, the lecture theatres stay the original way. I guess we adapted back to it quite quickly this time round.

I started off the lecture brimming with hope as the prof. told us to throw aside all our literary theories and just take this course of contemporary lit. as a vacation from all the theories. I was just elated and completely resonated with what he said about a particular quote about how we should and we are just getting back to the texts. and when the prof. said that we are just going to discuss how we feel about the text, and how it's all going to be sharings of our own opinions, I felt that there was this renewed spark of passion in me.

but as the lecture went on and as the prof. went on to explain more about the course, the flame sizzled out. like about 99%.

I was just telling sharon and yiwen how I felt befuddled after the whole lecture ended. I thought at first we were all going to abandon the literary theories, the complicated and extreme "nonsense"(it's just my POV) of literary theories. and yet somehow I felt that the POV that contemporary lit. and of post-modernism is just one big theory on its' own. and really, I honestly think that I will not be using much of this analysis method outside of the classroom.

oh well, I told Him I want to work hard and well this semester, so yes, I will put in effort to try to do that. and I believe He will help me.

sometimes I just wonder, do all these lit. professors live their lives in accordance to what they teach in their classrooms and whether or not they are truly blessed by their own teachings. do their deep thoughts and theories really help them to live life better and fuller?

somehow, I know that even if they think so, even if others think so, I can't quite believe it. to me, it's too much and yet too little. all the questions, but never the answers. all the illusions and the searching and questioning of truth, but even when the truth faces them straight in their faces, they will reject it or worse, fail to recognise it.

well, that's lit. for me, it gets me all serious. haha. but at the end of the day, I just want to enjoy reading my books and perhaps have a great time sharing and listening to the different opinions of the books. I want to study lit. with a smile on my face, with passion and joy in my heart, with peace in my mind. that's what I hope to achieve in my stint at Ntu.

what about you?

2008-08-03T21:03:00.002+08:00

alrighty, one last post for the holidays.

it's been great while it lasted. and I'm thankful.

so yes Lord, this semester is Yours. let's do it together=)

haha. I'm a little excited about tomorrow's lecture. let's hope our english department's most charming lit. professor meets my expectations;)

will tell you all more tomorrow:)

for You~

2008-07-27T14:57:00.002+08:00

So officially, I'm rededicating this blog and in retrospect, my life back to You.

Change my heart O Lord; transform my life.

All to You Jesus, all to You.

I Believe You are more than enough for me,

I Believe You are all I need

I want to live my life completely for You.

Off with the old self!

2008-07-27T14:41:00.004+08:00

okay, I'm speaking from a totally worldly POV here.

with no other meaning intended,

literature isn't really what we think it is. I think all of us who have studied lit have our own different ideals and expectations of lit and how it affects and moulds us.

and recently, I realise that I find no contentment in lit. reading books is still fun to me, but I think I have taken too much pride in it. I've been seeking to produce good pieces of writing that I will be satisfied with, to the point where the passion I've craved for writng is warped now. I type because I want it to be read. I see things the way I want to express to others.

perhaps being exposed to lit in the way schools handle the subject is pushing me to seek another way of life.

2008-07-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

Yes. Someday, let's meet at Wimbledon.

2008-07-15T19:49:00.001+08:00

unexpectedly for me, the second goodbye was harder to say.