okay, I need to say this out.

pre-warning: I mean every word I say, but I am not saying it cause I blame any of you or I want to accuse you or anything. I just want to make myself understood.

Firstly, try not to tell me not to be emo, or that I've been emoing. for the past few weeks, I've tried to make fun of the issue and said things like making resolutions to stop being so emo. and yes, I'm still trying, but I realise when people point it out to me, or "make fun" of it as I do, it creates the opposite effect. so just steer away from the topic altogether, I'll be fine after a while.

Secondly, I'm past the stage of hidden meanings and trying to "decode" what people are trying to say. just tell it straight what you mean, what you want to say, what you want to do. sure, I may be offended or upset, but like I said, I'll be alright after some time. I just want to prevent as many mis-understandings as possible.

and lastly, I'm past also the stage of going out just for the sake of it. I refuse to go out just for some benefit or because it's nice to do so. when I do go out, it's because I genuinely want to spend time with you, and not because you're close to me and it's courtesy or you're nice and it'll be rude to turn you down. it's because I want to be with you, and I'm certain that we will all be encouraged by the meeting up.

before I end, I just want to say that I've reached a point in my life when I don't want to leave a time spent together, thinking that I have no idea what we were talking about or what have we done. Spending time together used to be always good, but I guess I'm seeking for quality time now. I'm not saying that every word that we use must be wholesome and godly or we must start sprouting wise words, it's more of a not just letting our conversations be directed by humor, because while humor is great for ice-breakers and for laughter, but at times, it serves no other purpose, and it doesn't mean much. I don't desire to want to have meaning in everything, but if everything is just words we spill into the air to generate some laughter, then it's time to start questioning if we're truly spending time together as friends. to me, friends are not here just to "spend some time together", we meet up because we intentionally want to bless each other in choosing to set aside some time to be with each other.

that said, I hope there will be no offences, and I'm just glad it's all out.

and sorry girls, for not being a genuine friend at times, during those times I was confused as to why things were like at those times, but now I'm certain of what I was lost over previously. and I'm sorry too, cause by nature, I am a very self-centred person, I tend to care more for my own feelings at times.

but one thing that struck me last night was that even though I am self-centred , I realised with humility, that I have been a friend. I used to blame myself for always taking and not giving, but when I looked back, I am thankful to note that I have taken much, but I have also given. Not to boast, but to be glad that I haven't been all too bad a friend. or at least I hope.I have decided not to be anxious over my friendships, and I have decided to not keep viewing myself as just someone who takes without giving.

it's in Your hands now; as well as in their hands. Teach me Lord Jesus, to be like the friend that You are.

Imprinted~

I love this time of year when our breakfasts consist of food like pineapple tarts, kueh ban kek, love letters and various other types of chinese new year goodies. Yes, a time of break, food, red packets and oranges. each year, I know the exact places we would travel to for some new year visitation, and yet somehow, when the time comes round again, the people, the activities are different in certain ways. I really do like celebrating this chinese tradition, even though it may seem superficial on how we reduce it to the above things, but yet, I love it anyhow. It's just a very comforting period of celebration.

And today being the lunar new year's eve, what better way than to kick start the chinese new year with church?:) so we had fellowship in the morning, and we went for service. I just really love worshipping in that sanctuary of ours, and coming together to sing praises to Him. the joy, the celebration, the laughter, all of which were just simply splendid. Elder jeffrey goh was really amusing today in delivering the word, and I am really reminded by how God exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness, and how He delights in Him. And hence, whenever prof jernigan talks about the POV where some people think the God of the OT is much harsher than the God in the NT, I just feel like saying God has never changed and will never change! and if you think that God is harsh in the OT, it is only because you don't know Him at all. sometimes people just read a little and start judging based on the little they know and just start to believe what they want to.

haha, so if ever we want to boast, let us not boast of how wise, how strong, or how rich we are, but to boast only of how we know and understand Him!

and I just wanted to say how when the service ended, and the girls just gathered together, we just ended up hugging one another in a circle, and talking and praying, it felt really special. we were just standing there at the side of the hall, with our arms around each other, ushering in the new year with our Lord=)

oh, and before I continue reading my Oliver Twist, and start getting dressed for our reunion dinner,(we had a reunion lunch too;)), I just wanted to share this song that we have been singing in church: This is our God, by Hillsong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbrL64Ujb1c&feature=PlayList&p=CB49AB04379450C3&playnext=1&index=4

just copy and paste kay? cause I still have no idea how to upload videos. :(

some of the lyrics,

Freely You gave it all for us,
Surrendered Your life upon that cross,
Great is Your love, poured out for all
This is our God

and whenever we come to the part where the whole church sings in one united voice, "This is our God", it is just amazing. Lord, You are our God, and we will have no other. For Lord, there is none like You, and indeed, knowing You Jesus, is the greatest thing. Help us be Your victorious overcomers Lord; for the victory is won!


P.S- I kinda like the physical scars I got after falling off my bike. It brings me back to times I have forgotten, to people I have somehow written off. and just for a moment , when I look at them again, I remember.

Going with the music~

Note of caution : my iTunes is currently on party shuffle, and it has churned out Josh Groban's Remember When It Rained. so yes, you all should know what mood it has set me into.

this is going to be a half emo, half light-hearted post. alright, let's begin.

was it on thursday that I told sharon that I would blog about how I start my friendships? yes, probably thursday. I had this epiphany on the escalator, that when I first begin to like the people around me, I like them not because of who they are, but rather what I see in them. So basically, what I see and like in you may not be who you really are, and if over some time, after I get to know the real you,if I don't quite like it, I may just slowly drift away. Unless, I see who you can be, and I like that part of you. well, it looks worse that I thought it was. haha. I guess I am just very superficial when it comes to friendships. but I like what Banville said in his book, "it is only at surfaces, that there is depth." well, that is a re-phrase, but it was something along the lines of that. and I guess I like it because, I feel closeness doesn't always have to be how much you know about a person, or how long you've been with another person. and over the years, I just gradually adopted this mindset.I asked grace over at the peak in Hongkong this question, "how do you determine whether or not you're a true friend? if I don't know things about you like what's your fave colour, what's your fave food, does it mean I'm not a true friend to you?" we talked about it against the backdrop of a dimmed sunset. and I gained insight, and yet, didn't shift much from my original POV. What I feel now is, I honestly want to believe that even if I know nuts about you, doesn't mean I don't care for you as a friend. It just simply means I probably haven't been able to spend much time with you recently, or perhaps, I just can't quite remember.

humour is always an ice-breaker and a device used to reduce tension. only with my close friends then do I use it with less ease. surprising no? the catch is the word use. with mere acquaintances, I can use humour most effectively, surprisingly, I can be quite talkative at times. because frankly, humour doesn't need much skill. with close friends, I hardly need to use humour; humour just happens. we just get into the flow of things, and we just connect and laugh, no need to think of what funny things we can say. and when I do use humour with friends, that's when I care enough to know humour is needed. and I know the ones I care about will always be able to pick up where I left off. it's like a common understanding. and really, I think it's fine. because in the first place, it is only when you are close enough with each other that you will even bother about what you're saying and hoping that the other will understand. and when they do, it's a special happiness. eclectic choice of words, but yes.

okay, what was my point again? iTunes is now playing Casablanca.

light-hearted, yes. I had great fun on friday! all the traveling was worth it. though I can't remember the details now, I realise that lyrics and details escape me. and the only thing that remains is just slivers of the memories. I remember the great food and company at Newton's circus. after so long, I heard myself being called "grandma" once again. oh, do I feel old. haha, no I didn't feel old. in fact, I felt strangely pleased. I didn't contribute much to the conversation, but there wasn't a real need to. I was just content being able to share in the gathering. short, but fulfilling.

as for the even shorter meeting with my cell group girls, it was brilliant as usual. I guess I just can't get enough of the time spent with them. every min is a joy. though I may not show it, or say it much, but the girls are really family to me. and I just love how we are there for each other. it's like all our flaws are accepted and covered over when we come together. =)

alright. I kinda drifted off, this post is probably going to end up completely emo.

and yes, I'm the kind who stands by train doors, with music in my ears, emo-ing my ride away. haha. but the emo moods gradually dissipate over the course of a day. the next day, you'll probably(or I hope so!) see me back to my cheerful self;) haha

someone get me my dark cherry mocha frapp. well, at least my much appreciated black tea latte is in stores now at last. I've waited a year for it. some things are worth waiting I guess. lots of things to do, and yet I so need to get the holiday mood out of my system.

come on, let's pass this with all that we've got:)

lead me Jesus, into where You promised

Folly at the start of a new year. Yet, it's not too late to start over. Lord, Your return ball was good; it hit the correct spot. It's just you left me stunned at what You've revealed to me. I needed it, and You understood that it needed to be shown to me in this way; that this is the only way I'll understand and this is the only way that will make me want to turn away.

Father, You promised. So, let me cross my river Jordan in 2009. Be my leader, let me take the next step of faith into the water and let me see Your breakthrough, Your dream for me. I believe in Your goodness, in Your provision. Help me believe more.

I have returned Your ball with a weak shot Lord. Can we start over? Please, let us have a new game. Help me cross over from the wilderness into the promised land You have already given to me. I will not dwell on the past; I will set You before me, and I will run forward to You. I know You are with me.