Closing Memories of the Year ~

As I have not received the photos I am waiting for, I will do a quick update on what has been happening since I arrived back in Singapore early on Christmas eve. No, I have not been on the treadmill since I went to Japan, and No, I have not been spending as much time going out with my friends as I had hoped to do. But it's okay! Because the time was spent with family and planning when to meet up with my friends:)

So Christmas eve was spent having breakfast at my old home, Potong Pasir. Good beehoon and not so sweet tea. My grandma forbid me from buying soya bean milk cause she thinks it won't go well with the teh-si she shared with me. haha;)

Christmas day was spent in church! the joy of being able to sing the christmas carols with everyone is awesome:D And we celebrated Christmas as a family together at my godma's house. We had the steamed crab legs bought from Hokkaido, huge pork knuckles, Hilton's cheesecake...and lots more:) Oh, I had a few glasses of ice wine:) Sweet Riesling, but it was nice just looking at the golden colour. Random note to myself, I must have a glass or two of bubbly before the end of next year. Can you believe it? I have not tried champagne in my life. ever. :(

Anyway, we watched a short evangelical movie called "The Deal" in chinese, and it was really good. It was about a real-life testimony from Calvin Soh the musician and his wife. Powerful message about the trap of materialism and the need to believe in the power of deliverance from our God:)

Boxing day was spent on the ship Duolos. it was the last day in port as they were going to scrap it, so my parents and I went to pick up some books on board. everything was really affordable, as they gave really good discounts:) We celebrated Gek Theng's 21st brithday as a cell at Fort Canning Centre, White Studio, at night. It's the place where we go for our plays:) Cell performed two christmas carols for the rest of Gek's guests! So I did go caroling in the end!;)

I had a short while to talk to you, and I'm glad I did. I think I am convinced of where I stand now.

So where am I? Right, the day after boxing day. It was spent in church! And we went back home after a meal at Dome in marine parade, where I tried the squid-ink linguine. the sauce was good, but as for the black pasta? in the words of my dad, "not so interesting..." after the lunch, we went back home and I persevered in sleeping from 6pm that evening all the way to 8 am the next morning. I think I broke my personal record. haha

Two days after boxing day. Monday was spent in school with sharon and yiwen! met at bishan for a quick lunch at Mos, and we headed straight to school for the collection of our acceptance packages from Pusan National University. And all the package consists of is a letter and a map. Oh well, at least I got to meet up with the school buds!:D

After which, I headed to dinner with my cousins and family. It was a gathering for the seven of us who kinda bonded during the trip to Hokkaido. My cousins and I sort of made the connection with the rest during the last two days of the trip. so yeah. But dinner was great! the beehoon soup was sweet as usual. and though I didn't really enjoy the crabs as much as I would with my family(I think my dad made it fun to eat more,and cause he enjoys eating crabs, we were led into enjoying the crabs as well;)), the time spent together was quite amazing in itself.

it started off a little awkward as usual, and then all of a sudden we were onto the topic of me going to Korea. the older ones, who are all experts in drinking started to give me tonnes of advice on how to hold my liquor in korea. apparently the girls there can drink two bottles of soju a day. well..I will prob. drink rice wine there...but two bottles of soju??

and then they started to talk of how the guys there in korea are not as good-looking as the ones we see on tv, so it was quite funny. the most entertaining part was when everyone at the table started to "order" food they want me to learn how to cook, so I can prepare it for them when I return from Korea. So sharon and yiwen, you will both have to help me learn how to make seafood pancakes, some black pork dish, cold noodles (this I think I can learn fast!), and of course kimchi:D

we ended off the night with candy canes and a confirmation of a BBQ on jan 16th. haha, these people are super efficient.

It's interesting how you will always call out to me for one last conversation. Being able to stand side by side with you is enough for me. Even if nothing happens, I know I have found more sisters and brothers in Christ that I want to treasure.

Yes, I realized all of them are believers:)

A teacher, a regional supervisor, a doctor, a student going on to become an investment banker, another student going on to become a teacher, and two more students going on to discover what life has in store for us all. Quite interesting no?

I didn't see the sign I was waiting for. But I thought I heard a voice telling me to wait. To wait for a while more. And so, the next two weeks might erase any of the remaining feelings, but I know I won't regret waiting.

haha. I think I sound a little like a lovesick fool. Cliches, and more cliches...but, in the light of things, I think I can be a little lenient on myself;)

Our Trip to Japan (Part One) ~

If I have to describe our trip to Japan in one word, it will be: Sugoi. haha, it means Amazing:D

Technically, we didn't really do much over there, but it was more of the experience that really mattered. I love how we learnt so much more about each other in the family, and how we had so many opportunities to bond together:)

The trip started out slow, and many of my personal expectations were not met(like how I thought the salmon sashimi there would be the melt-in-your-mouth kind, but alas, the japanese use the best parts of the fish as grilled salmon...), but ultimately, when I looked back at what we have done, I feel very blessed at being able to take part in all the wonderful experiences in Hokkaido and Tokyo.

On to the recap!



While waiting to board the plane at Changi Airport



Our first photo at the Narita Airport in Japan. We're off to Hokkaido!:D

The moment we touched down at Hokkaido, we were met with really cold weather that dropped to -10 near our last few days in Hokkaido. It was freezing, but the cold weather was a good change from the humid and hot weather in Singapore.




The thick and burdensome winter clothes that we had to wear.

White, unblemished snow was everywhere, and I just wanted to dance on the snow-covered walkways:)



Our first Yakiniku meal in Hokkaido.



Tatami-style. I really like the pretty bed covers, but the pillows that were made with beans and straws were a little too hard. We got used to them though.



The view outside our hotel.

When I was in Hokkaido, I experienced a lot of my firsts - First time celebrating a white christmas, first time going to a hot spring without wearing any clothes, first time wearing a yukata...and many many more.



I was so happy to finally be able to wear a flowery japanese yukata:D



Family photo! My mum and I went on the trip with my uncle david, aunty jacqueline and my two cousins, yi jun and yi ling:) My uncle is the main photographer during the trip, and hence he is hardly in the photos, except a few.

At this point in time, I am putting out a disclaimer, I will probably not go through every single detail about the trip, and I am just going to highlight the more memorable parts of the trip;)



Japan's Panasonic Tower and the snowy playground with the breath-taking fairy lights.

A magical moment happened when we were about to exit the place, and that was when I looked up to see that the lights on the trees were out, and all of a sudden, I heard someone counting down in japanese. Three, two, one...and the fairy lights came on again. I was stunned by the picturesque moment, as it was really beautiful:)



The tour group leader told the whole group to dress up in our yukatas for dinner:)



Japanese Hotpot, or what they call "Nabe".



Edo Wonderland! It snowed crazily while we were there, and we watched two period theatre plays that were really entertaining even though the performers spoke in japanese most of the time.



My Kawaii Mum;)



One of the two performances where the local performers requested for an impromptu actor from the audience. So one of the guys from our tour group went up to take the role of the general:) It was funny how the local performers made self-reflexive jokes and posed for pictures during the performance:D



The skyline(?) of Hokkaido at night.



Our short trip to the fish market where we bought fresh scallops and huge crab legs, we tried the fresh sashimi there too.



Some historical place. I have no idea what is the history behind the place, all I remember of that particular day was the snowball fight we had. We were running all over the place trying to hit each other with the snow. haha, childish, but extremely fun;) And it was really nice lying and sitting on top of the snow:D Oh, and it was our first proper attempt at making a snowman!

We ended our group journey with a trip to a japanese shrine and garden. the walk was nice, and we just took the time to talk to each other about the most random of things.

For me now, Japan is more than just the country of MUJI, Uniqlo, Hello Kitty, Manga...to me, there is a certain charm about this particular nation that makes me want to travel back there to discover more sights, and to experience more moments. I miss the cold weather, the onsen, the snow...

Some random photos:

Sharon, this photo is for you:)



One of my personal fave photos-



Pager-alarm system in the food courts (we will receive pagers that will beep when our food is ready for collection;)) -



Imagine my surprise when I saw the movie posters for one of the jap dramas that I watch (Nodame Cantabile) ! I was so happy when I found out I could watch a few japanese tv dramas live in the hotel rooms:D -



Alright. this is it for Part One. Part Two will just be a few more photos and a few notes here and there:)

Tadaima:)

It's been quite an amazing trip, and praise God for His awesome provision and goodness!

haha, my mum is really my mum. okay, that sentence sounds really random, but in the light of things, it makes sense. She just asked me a very personal question, and I was kind of expecting her to do so. Well...sharon, since you're my only reader, if you're interested, you can ask me more about it. I think I am able to share more now:)

I have really mixed feelings right now, but again, I choose to trust Him.

Is it silly to hope? I don't think so. Even if everything falls through, I think we will still be okay. It's weird being in this situation because all my cell group members are already discussing plans about our exchange trips, and they are so excited for it. but the school buds are being practical and more of looking forward to studying lit here in NTU for the next sem. And as for me? I'm stuck in between. At times I wish I can have the enthusiasm my school buds have for a next sem in NTU, and at times I wish I can be more excited about going abroad with my cell group members. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one who is forcing my school buds to go to Korea when actually they prefer staying in Singapore.

I don't know how to be convinced or to convince them anymore. But for me, until that day when PNU or Instep tells me that I will have to stay in NTU for the next sem, I will keep believing my acceptance package will come:)

before the trip

Cell groups sold breakfast in church today! and I loved how I was able to brew coffee and tea, and tasting the drinks to see if they are good enough. The tea was awesome:) Probably cause it was Liption. haha, how can you go wrong with tea bags right?

Today was slightly more relaxed as compared to the last time. We had more time to sit around at the start and just talk among ourselves. I think it was probably because we arrived at church really early at 8. haha, there was hardly anyone around, and we were just having our own breakfast while waiting for the rest to turn up. I'll be leaving in two days, and a lot of us will be traveling as well. Judith's already in Wuhan, and she'll only be back on the 26th. in fact, I think many of us will only be back during the last week of december. Somehow, this december holiday is passing us by and we are simply caught up in the activities. as usual, it feels different.

chill out session tmr!

I like spending the day listening to music, watching dramas, and reading books. I like how I can just type here at my blog while drinking tea. No worries, no deadlines to meet. It seems unproductive, but I'm happy the way things are right now. This break is really what I need from the busy period of the past few months. December is usually the months of activities, but I am trying to take some time off, and to just live life on a slower pace. I guess I might miss out on some significant events I could have participated in, but for now, I treasure the feeling of not having to commit myself to anything.

I know the next few weeks are probably going to pass by in a blur. and before we know it, Christmas will be here:)

For now, there isn't anything in particular that I want to do. Except this longing to want to spend more time with You.

it does mean something

"Departures" is really an amazing Jap movie. I just finished watching it, and I already feel like watching it again. The film showcases the beautiful scenery of Japan, as well as the fascinating ceremony of Japanese casketing. It may sound morbid, but it's not. The ceremony is done with such calmness and precision, that it was quite captivating. Somehow, it seems like a way of saying a proper farewell. There is almost a kind of respect for the people who help to restore the beauty of those who have passed on. And it's not just the outward appearance, but more of the help they give in allowing us to come to terms with the loss.

on a side note, the lead character plays the cello really well. and as the music played on in the background, I was reminded of how I have this longing to play a string instrument. I am not an expert on music, and I don't I ever will be, but I can understand a little when people say that music has a kind of magical quality to it. Sometimes, I just want to be able to play an instrument so well that I get lost in the music. I guess at this point in time I won't know if I ever will have the chance to learn how to play the cello, but it's nice to be able to hear the music. For now.

We really need to learn how to treasure the people around us more. It sure is difficult, but I guess death has this power to want to make us try.

a glimpse of what could have been

I had my shopping fix today at marina square:)

Cell group mates and I went shopping for birthday presents, and we were tremendously efficient:D It was tiring, but very fulfilling. And I really enjoyed the time when we were sitting at Gloria Jean's cafe, where Judith treated us to coffee, and we were just drinking and talking about the ideas for the presents. I felt so happy sitting there with them:)

the surprise for the day was when we were shopping at Raffles' City's Paper Market. Sharon just strolled into the shop, and before my brain could even register it was her for real, I called out her name. haha, truly, my mouth works faster than my brain. Also, we have resolved never to drink matcha and azuki again. First and last.

I'm so glad we managed to meet up! haha, I hope we will never get tired of seeing each other;)

And because I met her, I was reminded of this theory I have in mind, that we might have had many chance encounters in our lives, but we will never know for sure. I guess the time wasn't right.

When our worlds collide, will I still be the same to you?

His ways and thoughts are Higher

My mum just asked me about my essays, and I shared with her about what I feel about them and what I hope for in the future:) she's glad that I'm not too upset over the grades, and I was telling her that of course I am disappointed, but when I think of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to me over the years, I know for sure He will see me through. And as I was saying those words, I teared slightly. I am really thankful for how He is always here with me, and I believe above all, He is the one who wants the very best for me, and for all of us:)

also, there are so many more things and people who are important in life. I think today's trip out with sharon and grace helped to re-assure me of this truth. I was tired, but I just love spending time with them and talking to them. I'm really looking forward to our Christmas feast:D haha, I want to bake and cook so many things! until then, I shall source out the appropriate recipes:)

to live a little like Dean

I like the feeling of not being bound by time.

Today was my first free day after the exams, and I didn't wake up to the sound of the alarm clock:) And for the rest of the day, I just watched my videos in peace, read some manga, prayed, and lived a life of a semi sloth. haha, it's a privilege to be able to laze around.

I liked the fact that today was slightly special cause my sis didn't go to work as she didn't feel well, and we spent the day together. It was nice to just eat lunch together, and just being at home together.

sharon and I will be collecting our american lit essays tmr before meeting grace for xiao long baos at chinatown! And I'm glad today's devotional materials all talked about the need to have faith in God's power, and to believe in the gifts of God:D

in any case, I am really looking forward to our trip to chinatown tmr:)

I just realised that my nails look purplish under the light. I like;)

that futile wish

we woke up at 5am this morning to catch the sunrise at marina barrage. It was Yingqi's 21st birthday celebration:) The view was spectacular, and we were just standing there in a line, looking at the sun's rays slowly change from a dark orange color to a brighter gold.

we just stood there talking about our plans for next year, and we took lots of photos as usual. Then, the sprinklers went off. We screamed(well, the girls screamed), and we rushed to shift the bags and food away from the water. haha, it was quite comical seeing how gek theng was just telling us that a similar thing happened to her a few months back. oh well. we didn't get wet, and the food was salvaged;)

Karen went for a haircut recently, and her hair's really short now. It's even shorter than what I wanted to do to my hair, and she looks really good with the short hairstyle:D now, if only I'm fairer, if only I don't wear specs, and if only my nice friends will allow me to go for a haircut, I just might go cut my hair next year end. (year end!haha).

I learnt a lot of things today, and as cell was just sharing on how many of us wil be away next year, I felt a bit unsure. Somehow, at that moment, I felt a little apprehensive about leaving and embarking on a new adventure. (this is random, but I just remembered how our astro notes had this side note in the last lecture that says how we earthlings are ROOKIES about to embark on a new adventure). haha

like I said, it was just a sudden feeling.

and Karen was just saying how she can't imagine me staying overseas by myself. haha, I guess I seem to be a very dependent person. I guess I am in many ways. And honestly, I get that a lot. The people around me are always telling me that they can't see me living by myself overseas. Part of me acknowledges this truth, but somehow, I feel like explaining that I think I can see myself getting along relatively well by myself. Well, maybe not entirely by myself, but the idea is there.

but then again, there's nothing to prove. when the time comes, we will all know;)

Today was great, and I am now more sure than ever that these are the people I want to grow up with, and they are the ones I want to stay with.





I was surprised to see the rainbow, and I was taken aback, until I realized it wasn't a complete one.

I want to keep believing

The weekend has just started, and already I can sense the excitement in the air. Four papers down, one last one to go. The astronomy paper was tough like we expected, and yet I had fun doing it. and then we went to ambush for dinner, it was simple and nice:) I'm really quite glad that my girlfriends make the effort to make me feel welcomed and comfortable when we go out together with their respective partners:D I'm just naturally shy when it comes to relationships, and sometimes I don't know what to say, but there has never been a time when I felt out of place. I think it matters a lot to all of us when it comes to balancing our friendships and relationships. It's like what grace said on friday, sometimes, we want to ask, and be there for our girlfriends, but we don't know how to. Nevertheless, we try.

Speaking of which, grace is back! and we had lunch(ban mian!) at the food court in marina square, and after which, we made our customary trip to Starbucks:)

Dark Cherry Frapp didn't disappoint;)I wished the toffeenut latte had more coffee and lesser milk. In any case, it was a relaxing time, and we were just talking about random things. I think we are at a stage in life when our conversations usually end up with the topic of relationships. and it got me thinking, sometimes I have things I want to share with my friends, but I just don't know how to.

I can't seem to put my feelings into words, and even if I do, they end up sounding awkward and silly. haha, that's me I guess.

And the funny thing is, now that I feel like I can share, I realize there's nothing to share anymore. So once again, when people ask, "do you have someone you like?", I end up saying no, because, it's the truth for now.

And I guess one thing that stops me from sharing is how my ideals and expectations are always too high to others. I know I sound too idealistic, and it may even come across as wishful thinking. But, I really don't want to let go of my expectations, because to me, if I let go of my expectations, then the person will not be the one I am really looking for. it's like grace's "all or nothing" belief. I mean certain not so important qualities can be overlooked, but some qualities are so crucial that they are almost necessary. Okay, I have no idea why I just typed an entire post about this. The words just came out. haha. I'm using this blog to tell of all the things that I want to say, but can't. so yeah. bear with me.

one more paper, and we're done for the semester:)

one step closer

I'm making an intentional effort to blog about each exam paper. haha. Yesterday's Forensic Science paper was quite fun and interesting. It was the first time I felt quite anxious for a paper. Or rather, it's been a long while since I experienced such anxiety about a paper. we went to collect the urban essays before the paper, and for the rest of the day we were just on the topic of grades. It was a good conversation as I guess we found out more about which lecturers we now have to avoid, and how we are becoming increasingly distant from our grades. It's good that we are starting to let go of our obsession over grades and to just try to do our best and to commit the rest to God:)

I just wonder if we will really end up taking the lit courses that we discussed about. a lot of things can happen in a few months. and I have no idea why, but I keep having the feeling that when we return, a lot of the professors who we see now won't be here in NTU Lit anymore.

in any case, three papers down, two more to go! and grace is back in Singapore! haha, it's time for banmian. I wish carol's here with us too. but I know God is with her:)

bye bye prof. bates! your wit and humor were very much appreciated;D

keep that bounce in your steps

We had our Medieval Literature paper today. And the most memorable thing about the exam was when the exam ended and Prof. Wadiak came around to collect the papers. I looked up with my brightest smile and said "Thank you!" to him. He had this wide smile on his face when he came by, and he looked a bit surprised when I smiled at him, but thank God! I guess I wanted to just convey my thanks to prof wadiak:) And just before he left the exam hall, he turned around specially to give us a wave, and quite a number of us raised our hands in response. I thought that was really sweet of him:D I know I'll probably never take his modules again, because he doesn't teach many modules in school, and he may not be around when we return next year. So I said a short prayer for him as I waited in the exam hall. I prayed that he'll have the joy of the Lord to be his strength, and that he will always be assured in Him. I prayed that he will always have that smile on his face and that he will have the light of God in his life. :)

Two down, Three more to go!

Last night, you said a simple goodbye.

And I asked, "Why now?"

You called out my name when I least expected it, and you caused me to waver once more.

Why turn around when I have already moved on to my own path?

Why do so in such a natural way? It felt like it didn't mean much for you to be able to say that one word. You probably don't know how I had to struggle in order to do the same thing.

"Goodbye, and goodnight."

It was a strained smile, but it was the best I could give.

Let's go!

There are some blogs that are constantly updated, and there are blogs that simply fade away. I guess sometimes life gets too busy and there's just no time to blog. It rained suddenly just now, so my mum and I had to rush to keep the clothes if not they'll get wet. what was amusing was how quite a number of people did the same exact thing: rush to their to windows to keep their clothes, and it felt like we bonded for that short moment. well, it's just a random thought. in any case, the youth WnI went well last night!

God's grace was really upon us, and I just wanted to spend more time sitting there in the chapel and just praying to God and sharing with the rest:) ever since my childhood, I have always wanted to belong to a team. like that of a basketball team or some kind of society, and experience the feeling of going through hardships and fun times together. I never had the chance to. But last night, I has a glimpse of that. the Hopers team was just gathered together in the prayer room, and we were all praying together, and as I closed with a short prayer, I felt like I have found my team. and as we closed for the night, I shared of how I was reminded so strongly that the reason why we can come together like that was because we all belong to the family of God. and indeed, they are the people I want spend my life with. Even though sometimes I don't quite understand them, even though at times, I can be quite shy, but I want to try, and I know we will always be a family:)

all glory be to God!

post-mo~

so I met up with Fyeri today. at the start I kept thinking to myself how it felt like I was going to a matchmaking event even though I had no idea how the other person looked like or how I was even going to identify her.

well, in the end Fyeri turned out to look like nothing I've imagined because for the first time, I had no image in mind. But! she does look pretty and is very intellectual. haha, for the first time, I felt like a Singaporean cause I was doing all the ordering and I was like introducing all the local food to her. it was really a nice break. just talking and sharing about things I don't normally have a chance to share about with my friends. well, basically just POT and manga. and the food was great! haha, as I thought, she was slightly hesitant about the stingray, but ended up really liking it in the end. :D

as for today's exam, there was a chorus of us talking about how tough it was. and today's medieval essay was a bit disappointing. But! it reminds me that I do not want to take pride in my writing, and be stumbled by it. Also! These are wonderful opportunities to trust God and to let His grace be shown in my life!:)

haha, it was really quite fun doing the american lit paper, and prof. Yerkes had this glee on his face when he said, "you guys can leave the hall now." haha. so funny.

okay, one down, four more exams to go!

Youth WnI tmr! All glory to God!:D

I'm waiting

I spent the past two hours trying to write a final conclusion to my essay. And till now, I am still unable to do it. I have no idea why, and it is funny and ironic at the same time because a few days back, I was just commenting to sharon that I cannot wait till I reach the conclusion for the essay because conclusion are always the easiest and the most enjoyable parts of my essays. But this time round, it is the toughest. I do not know what to write, my back is breaking, and I am about to go into hyper-ventilation. But! this is an excellent opportunity to trust God:D I am learning to depend on His grace, and hence, this will allow me to exercise my faith in Him. Lord, I have faith the size of a mustard seed, and You know I am tired, but Lord, I have faith in You, and I really believe You will see me through this. So Lord, will You pour out Your grace and fill me with the Holy Spirit? Amen! Thank You:)

Things have been hectic, and I am really busy. But I am learning to depend on Him! I was just telling God how I feel so immature as I keep struggling over the same issues and not being able to overcome them. and I guess I really did suffer a minor breakdown last sat. I was just really tired that day, and my emotions got the better of me. burnout I guess. but! I am better now. I think it's really time to start learning and start applying in greater measure what I have learnt.

one objective for the year is to learn how to be GENTLE. this is an almost impossible task for me. but then again, phil 4:13 reminds me that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" and so, Holy Spirit, help me to be gentle in all my ways:)

so for all of us, let's press on and let's work hard together so we can enjoy our holidays together!Fighting!:D

my neighbors must think I'm mad. or terribly stressed. perhaps, it's both.

for the whole day I've been trying to concentrate on my essay, and it really doesn't help that for the entire day, there has been some kind of event going on near my flat. So there is so much noise that I can only blast music into my ear plugs in a bid to overwhelm the noise coming from outside. and I just heard the emcee say, "everybody CLAP CLAP CLAP!". goodness. no wonder I screamed out loud just now. this is frustrating to say the least. BUT! we're going to make it Lord! We can do this:) MUSIC, PLAY ON!

I am just awkward when it comes to relationships. and I honestly think I am commitment-phobic. Hmmm.

In any case, I am enjoying a short break from school, and meanwhile, essay time has been stressful but in a way, exciting:) I really like how I can use essay writing as a valid excuse not to do anything else. And I really just want to focus on writing a good piece. It calms me down when I know I do not have to think or do other work apart from typing and working on my essay:) weird, but yes.

okay, back to essay!

technology is breaking down on me. Just earlier my "i" key on the lap top came out and my heart almost couldn't take the shock. And now my earplugs won't work. No matter how many times I clean the metal stick and try to fix it, it doesn't work. The music comes offs really weird, like the singers are so far away and all you hear is the melody and faint voices in the background. it results in a vr distancing effect.

Oh, I found a way to restore the original sound. I have to hold on to the plug. darn. all the time??

typing away~

the time has come for the essays.

you know it's that time when all of a sudden, you need lots of snacks to keep you going. haha, it's not just that. For me, essay weeks always include things like kneeling on chairs in a bid to "generate" more creative ideas, escaping to my room just to lie on the bed for the same reason, and even resorting at times to take a shower just to develop my arguments for the essays. What can I say, I work the best under the strangest conditions. Another essential is of course the continuous playing of music. haha, I mean the continuous repeating of the same song. Apparently, it helps.

this is fun really. I like typing away at my laptop, and I like thinking about ideas that I can write about:)

My mum just showed a pair of yellow gloves for our trip in december. I thought they were those plush toys shaped like bananas. haha. But, they are really comfortable!;)

grace's semester has just ended. carol's semester has just started. sharon's, yiwen's and my semesters are about to end. time whizzes by as usual. I wish we can have more time to just sit at our library to browse and read through those books. I just realized it's time to fear less, and hope more.

So Lord, in regards to my UEs, and the rest of my study programme in NTU, and possibly NIE, it's all in Your hands! I want to have the grace to trust You more:D For it is indeed sweet to be able to rest in You, and to just take You at Your word. Thank You Lord Jesus!:)

Old Shanghai

I should be reading my astro notes. But I just want to have a little more free time. I attended a wedding yesterday, and it was one of the better ones. I loved it when we all stood up to say grace:) To summarize, it was a good night spent eating, talking, listening to chinese oldies...I have never understood why wedding banquets take so long...maybe it is a chance for us to spend more time with those relatives we see once a year...but still, it was nice that yesterday's event was a rather close-knitted event, and the place was very well-decorated and it was very comfortable. I just wish that we could for once have started on time and ended a little earlier. it's really tiring sitting down for four hours straight. hmmmm...our seminars last for three hours, and I don't think the seminars ar too long...I wonder why. And I guess part of the tradition of wedding banquets is that they never can start on time. I am used to it, but...

I am not making sense, I shall just head off to read my astro notes in comfort.:)

Play On~

It's been so so long. It was supposed to be for renovations, and yet, I haven't the heart to change this little blog of mine.

I've been reading through all my past entries, and I was so amazed at all that I've managed to type over the one-odd year. And somehow, I feel like typing again. I feel like typing again of Your goodness and Your faithfulness to me:)

A few weeks back, quite a number of us started on our third year in uni, and we were all talking of how quickly time passed us, and all of a sudden, we're in our second last or last year in school. Things have been hectic since then. Two presentations and many many seminars later, I am here typing and trying to recall what happened over the past two months. One "major" things that happened was the opening of our new HSS school in NTU. I remember how when we were in our first year, all our seniors were talking of how the school never did get started on the work of constructing the new building. at that point of time, being able to study in a building of our own seemed like a faraway dream.

now, I have attented so many lessons there that I have forgotten how we longed for the building and how it seemed so distant from us back then. one of the things I love most of the new building is the waiting space by the steps. Yiwen introduced me to that place, and for the past two times where I've been there with both Yiwen and Sharon, I felt so happy just being able to share that time with them there. I even made an agreement with Shu Hui to bring her there. Soon dear!:)

Right now I'm listening to a really old song I dug out from one of my earlier posts. It's funny how it's the same song, but it sounds so different now. It's Bob Dylan day tmr in school, and we'll be discussing songs:) speaking of which, I just thought of how nice it was to see ching again in school today. I miss attending his lessons, and right now, I wonder if I will ever have the chance to take his module again. Sometimes in life, we don't get second chances. And it's weird thinking and knowing how we may never be taught again by some of our lit professors. I can easily name a few I know I will never have the privilege of learning from them again. Even though there are very valid reasons why I won't be taking their courses again, it still feels strange that they were our teachers for only so short a while.

I guess it's really diff. in uni. when we were in yj, we spent so much time together with out teachers that even now, and I know for sure in the future, we will still always regard them as our teachers. their words and lessons in life will always remain with us. at least, that holds true with me. I saw mrs ansar the other day at j8. It was a very unexpected meeting, and at the end I felt that I have never been really close to her, and yet one thought remained in my mind, 'she is still my teacher.' and it struck me how she is really still my teacher.

I am rambling aren't I? I'm just happy to see that blogspot has finally corrected my posting page and it is the same as before. that and how I seem to have a lot to say. I must be typing for all the times where I wanted to type in the past, but didn't.

one last thing, I'm happy where I am now. And I know I will be happy wherever You lead me to, Lord. It's time to start living by Your grace:D And thank You for Your love, let me love You too:)

I miss my drummer.

Today was a relatively peaceful day spent at home. I had some urban readings, and "Pale Fire" to get through. The urban readings sent me into a coma as usual, and I took a nap of one and a half hours. haha, it was a good nap:) I didn't manage to get much done today, but I guess it was enough. I shall strive to be more productive tmr!

I have to pack my room. Read the american poems. Read Chaucer. Get a headstart on forensic science. answer a few questions on the national campaign poster for urban culture asia. haha, I am just listing out what I have to do so I will remember.

for the past week, I have been addicted to one song. having replayed it over and over again on my ipod, I am now putting the song on replay on itunes. I guess the tune is what attracts me, and the lyrics are quite poignant. I guess over the past few weeks, I finally understood why people love for the sake of loving. there's this warped sense of wanting to dwell in the "sorrow" and "pain" of loss. this is not to say I have experienced it personally, but I had a sense of what it can feel like. sometimes what is not real can be imagined into reality. I shall resolve not to be disappointed any longer.

it's funny how you know things are not going to work out, and you really deserve better. but the silly idea refuses to leave your mind. well, this shall be my last thought.

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing.

Trying to hold on to you was probably one of those silly things in life. It reminded me of how the imagination is really powerful. I thought I knew you, and I thought something has changed. But apparently not. You made all my previous actions and words all look unnecessary. Perhaps, they were not needed. Sometimes, I would wonder, why did we bother? What was it about you that was so attractive anyway?? Maybe our minds were in over-drive. Maybe we saw in you what we wanted to see. And in the end, we realized that you are not the one we are really looking for, you are not the one we thought you were.

Still, I hope you're happy. I know we will be.

the difference

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Collide, Howie Day.

This song was playing over the music system at the ice-cream place my famiy went to tonight. And we were just sitting there sharing the many different flavours of ice-cream and waffles(they were really awesome btw), and I just remembered how I used to love this song and I would listen to it multiple times on my old mp3.

and I really thank God that I could just sit down there in the alfresco area, and have fun eating and laughing with my family. though we didn't talk much, but I'm glad we can spend time together. Lord, please take care of this family, and draw us closer to one another and to You!

all the calories for a good cause. I guess it's a fine bargain;)

and the walks were great Lord! I like to just walk on the streets of Singapore and have conversations with the people I love:)

another journey with You~

I really feel like blogging, but whenever I think of coming here to type, I feela little bored. haha, it must be that I feel like I'm typing out notes rather than sharing my thoughts. I have been making notes for the 208 exam, and surprisely, it actually felt fun coming up with ideas and points. I really like the short films by Jacen Tan. I felt very happy watching and analysing the films.

and honestly, though I am glad we're only left with one paper left, I am strangely missing the feel of exams already. It's like I no longer mind taking exams. and exams are really quite fun. though I get bored writing sometimes, and at times, I have to struggle so badly to have something to put on paper, I have never once regretted taking some time off writing my essays to just take in the scene around me in the exam hall. I've probably said it before about how the things that I see in exams halls are really so amusing and interesting. haha;)

and so while people are scribbling madly away, I will just be massaging my hands lightly and glancing around the room, and observing how different people write their papers differently. this time around, the exams feel really distant from me, and for some papers I really have to depend whole-heartedly on the Lord, but I am so glad I can trust in His amazing grace and not to be anxious over the results. so praise God!

oh, and I think I might risk going out straight after the last exam paper this tuesday. haha, how can I reject a date with shu hui right?:) so hopefully, my immune system will tahan a little more. I'm looking forward to ending off this last school semester of our second year with a blast! and then the three months' worth of holidays that will be filled by work at CHIJ St Nics, lots of Starbucks sessions, baking and cooking sessions, and plenty of time spent with my very dear ones:D

haha, exciting times ahead!

It's all into Your hands Lord. I do so love You.

It's for You Lord:)

I feel better after a really long nap of two hours after I studied for a while in the morning. Emotional breakdowns really do sap my energy away, I couldn't help the lethargy after the reflection on what I read, and I guess I just needed to rest.

I shall not give up, nor give in to the want to just drop everything and move on. but I shall also not invest too much of my feelings and expectations also. Expectations are really bothersome no? But to tell the truth, I was really quite hurt after I read those words of yours. It's like I really wanted to help, but it turned out wrong on your side, and I guess I was feeling hurt that I couldn't do anything to help and that I was a burden instead. But at times, I really just want to ask you if I do mean anything to you. I know you'll probably won't answer, cause it's not in your character to do so, but somehow, just now, I just really wanted to know if I mattered to you.

But even if I get no answers, I will just smile as He gives me reason to, and just do whatever He wants me to. :)

dwindling the time away

I'm here trying to while my time away. After the nerve-wrecking rush of essay week for the past month, now that i'm free, I feel weird. I keep waking up in the mornings thinking I have to start typing my thesis statements. haha, honestly, I think I have "essay-withdrawal symptoms". so the weekend started off lazily. Good friday yesterday was awesome! elaine came to church to support our church's very own production of Blood Brothers, and she enjoyed it:) so did I. the acting was great and really touching, I teared like two or three times. and praise God for the amazing altar-call!:)

And I am still in awe of how much God loves every single one of us. that no matter what problems we face or difficulties we have, God is still God. In every season of our lives, God never fails to be who He is, and that is the reason why we can sing and the reason why we can love=)

on monday, the work will probably start again and just three more weeks to the long-awaited three months' worth of summer holidays!

Farewell, and take care

I realised perhaps, I have never really said a proper goodbye to my school days in yj. I guess that's why I keep returning back to my memories of that place. and every time I find our old photos and remember all the things we used to do together, I will always end up saying, "Lord, I miss those days so much."

I recall vividly the day of our supposed graduation ceremony in yj. and as we sat down there in the large auditorium, as I re-hearsed the speech I was to give later, the p.a. crew played the song "there can be miracles" by mariah carey; the theme song for Prince of Egypt, and that was the moment our teachers started to walk down the aisle next to us. and as I tried to capture every moment of their walk down; the smiles on their faces, the slight hesitancy in the steps of some, as I saw all that, I started to feel tears in my eyes. for some strange reason, I felt I didn't know what to say or feel. for the past two years, those teachers have taught us, guided us, led us through all the ups and downs of our jc life. and we were just starting to get to know them, starting to be familiar with their ways of teaching, and suddenly, we realize that we were never going to experience many things we had grown accustomed to over the past two years.

no more of those famous scrambling and mad sprints to econs classes led by ms. aminah, no more of the complaining and groans of having to keep running on the tracks to practice for napfa, no more of those times of respite in mrs teo's gp lessons. no more of those gatherings during breaks, meal times, no more of sitting as a class on those yellow tables and blue chairs(right now, I struggle to remember whether or not I have stated the correct colours for the canteen furniture), no more of those hot mornings where we stand with "maps" of perspiration on our backs while waiting for assembly in the parade square. no more of those cold, cold afternoon breaks in the basement library, dwindling our free time away together.

no more of those mind-wrecking, stressful days with geography lessons, where we have to remember to buy fruits and to bring our files with everything supposedly filed in. no more of those endless "grumblings" at having to climb those steps to get to the geography classes at the fourth floor.(funnily enough, when we had to race up the same flight of steps for our econs lessons, those steps didn't seem that tedious;it was almost fun). no more of those amusing and interesting literature classes with mr sng, mr sim and of course mr spencer. no more of spencer's droning on and on about King Lear, Arundhati Roy, his nonsensical calling of almost vulgar names, his crazy antics with carol's floorball stick and the classroom's broom.I smile at how he would always tell us to write nicely in our essays, and yet he always ends up going around to explain what he himself wrote as comments on our scripts. I really do miss those warm and almost suffocating afternoons in the classrooms, hearing spencer's voice and the dull whirring sound of the fans above us, and the view we could see outside of our classroom doors.

no more of those cvd days where sharon had her most memorable moments of chopping those huge blocks of ice cream, no more of those days where all we needed to think about was schoolwork, no more of those days when every day we live in the constant anticipation of those final exams we had been preparing for, the moment we stepped into yj.

I sit here and dwell in nostalgia, knowing that I have done this for more times than I can remember, and yet somehow, this feels like the last. we all have our own lives to lead now, and all of us have our different paths to take; we all have our own memories to create.

but before we, or I move on, I just want to say, "Arigatou". Thank you for the two years in yj, thank you my dear friends and teachers for the times we've spent together. Goodbye,and do take care.

Perhaps, I will still drop by our school once in a while, and I know it won't ever be the same, but it's okay. It's fine, because we gave it our all back then. and though we could have done better, we know it was enough; our hearts were right then.

and with the help of my Lord, I will go on living with hope, joy and strength. two years down the road since that day, I feel I have truly graduated.

Your dream for me.

My first free wednesday since school started has allowed me to enjoy doing things which I haven't had the chance to do for a long time. I was finally able to just blast the music from one of the cds, sing to my heart's content, read in peace, and watch my shows. but the best thing is I have finally understood one particular lesson.

I've been asking God this one question over and over again, "What do You want me to do?" and specifically, "Lord, what will You have me do in school?" I guess school is a major portion of our lives, because it takes up most of our days, and whether or not we like it, school has a huge impact on our lives. and I was unsure of what I'm supposed to do as a student.

my hopes as a student included that of: excelling in my major, having a flair for language, getting along well with my schoolmates and professors...but as I prayed and listed out all these hopes which I thought He wanted me to do, this sentence came into my mind, "what is it that you wanted to do?"

and somehow I knew I had consciously blocked out the one last thing in my list, and that is I want to be a lit. student. and I realized again how good the Lord has been to me. He knew that the only subject I wanted to pursue was lit. spencer helped sparked off this interest in lit., and it's a simple interest really. but along the way, I have been distracted by the many expectations people have of lit. they tell of how in order to be a lit student, you must have curiosity, you must have a passion to seek to know things, you need to write well, do well...and I forgot my own definition of what I think a lit student is. and He reminded me today, that I have always believed that a lit student is just a person who gets the opportunity to read texts and to share ideas about them. just that.

the world distracts us and puts us on a performance treadmill. it makes us believe we are accomplishing things only when we can be seen working hard and only when we see results. so we keep questioning ourselves about what should we do next, what do we need to achieve next..and we start to live our lives like it's a to-do list. and then we swing the other way and think we just need to be more spontaneous in life, go out more, do more exciting things to escape the dull routine of everyday life. I'm guilty of both. haha, that's just us humans I guess.

but I'm glad that's not what God created us for. He created us to love us and to let us enjoy His presence forever. we don't have to earn His love, and whatever we need, He freely gives to us. :) it took me many turns and stumbles before I learn to apply it to my school life. what He wants me to do, what I have to do, is what I myself want to do. For He has promised in His word that He will help me want and be able to do what He wants us to do.

What I want to do most is to know You, above all else, to know You. so that when I finally meet You face to face and You ask me what is my greatest achievement in all my life, I can tell You truthfully, "My greatest achievement is that I have known You".

okay, I need to say this out.

pre-warning: I mean every word I say, but I am not saying it cause I blame any of you or I want to accuse you or anything. I just want to make myself understood.

Firstly, try not to tell me not to be emo, or that I've been emoing. for the past few weeks, I've tried to make fun of the issue and said things like making resolutions to stop being so emo. and yes, I'm still trying, but I realise when people point it out to me, or "make fun" of it as I do, it creates the opposite effect. so just steer away from the topic altogether, I'll be fine after a while.

Secondly, I'm past the stage of hidden meanings and trying to "decode" what people are trying to say. just tell it straight what you mean, what you want to say, what you want to do. sure, I may be offended or upset, but like I said, I'll be alright after some time. I just want to prevent as many mis-understandings as possible.

and lastly, I'm past also the stage of going out just for the sake of it. I refuse to go out just for some benefit or because it's nice to do so. when I do go out, it's because I genuinely want to spend time with you, and not because you're close to me and it's courtesy or you're nice and it'll be rude to turn you down. it's because I want to be with you, and I'm certain that we will all be encouraged by the meeting up.

before I end, I just want to say that I've reached a point in my life when I don't want to leave a time spent together, thinking that I have no idea what we were talking about or what have we done. Spending time together used to be always good, but I guess I'm seeking for quality time now. I'm not saying that every word that we use must be wholesome and godly or we must start sprouting wise words, it's more of a not just letting our conversations be directed by humor, because while humor is great for ice-breakers and for laughter, but at times, it serves no other purpose, and it doesn't mean much. I don't desire to want to have meaning in everything, but if everything is just words we spill into the air to generate some laughter, then it's time to start questioning if we're truly spending time together as friends. to me, friends are not here just to "spend some time together", we meet up because we intentionally want to bless each other in choosing to set aside some time to be with each other.

that said, I hope there will be no offences, and I'm just glad it's all out.

and sorry girls, for not being a genuine friend at times, during those times I was confused as to why things were like at those times, but now I'm certain of what I was lost over previously. and I'm sorry too, cause by nature, I am a very self-centred person, I tend to care more for my own feelings at times.

but one thing that struck me last night was that even though I am self-centred , I realised with humility, that I have been a friend. I used to blame myself for always taking and not giving, but when I looked back, I am thankful to note that I have taken much, but I have also given. Not to boast, but to be glad that I haven't been all too bad a friend. or at least I hope.I have decided not to be anxious over my friendships, and I have decided to not keep viewing myself as just someone who takes without giving.

it's in Your hands now; as well as in their hands. Teach me Lord Jesus, to be like the friend that You are.

Imprinted~

I love this time of year when our breakfasts consist of food like pineapple tarts, kueh ban kek, love letters and various other types of chinese new year goodies. Yes, a time of break, food, red packets and oranges. each year, I know the exact places we would travel to for some new year visitation, and yet somehow, when the time comes round again, the people, the activities are different in certain ways. I really do like celebrating this chinese tradition, even though it may seem superficial on how we reduce it to the above things, but yet, I love it anyhow. It's just a very comforting period of celebration.

And today being the lunar new year's eve, what better way than to kick start the chinese new year with church?:) so we had fellowship in the morning, and we went for service. I just really love worshipping in that sanctuary of ours, and coming together to sing praises to Him. the joy, the celebration, the laughter, all of which were just simply splendid. Elder jeffrey goh was really amusing today in delivering the word, and I am really reminded by how God exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness, and how He delights in Him. And hence, whenever prof jernigan talks about the POV where some people think the God of the OT is much harsher than the God in the NT, I just feel like saying God has never changed and will never change! and if you think that God is harsh in the OT, it is only because you don't know Him at all. sometimes people just read a little and start judging based on the little they know and just start to believe what they want to.

haha, so if ever we want to boast, let us not boast of how wise, how strong, or how rich we are, but to boast only of how we know and understand Him!

and I just wanted to say how when the service ended, and the girls just gathered together, we just ended up hugging one another in a circle, and talking and praying, it felt really special. we were just standing there at the side of the hall, with our arms around each other, ushering in the new year with our Lord=)

oh, and before I continue reading my Oliver Twist, and start getting dressed for our reunion dinner,(we had a reunion lunch too;)), I just wanted to share this song that we have been singing in church: This is our God, by Hillsong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbrL64Ujb1c&feature=PlayList&p=CB49AB04379450C3&playnext=1&index=4

just copy and paste kay? cause I still have no idea how to upload videos. :(

some of the lyrics,

Freely You gave it all for us,
Surrendered Your life upon that cross,
Great is Your love, poured out for all
This is our God

and whenever we come to the part where the whole church sings in one united voice, "This is our God", it is just amazing. Lord, You are our God, and we will have no other. For Lord, there is none like You, and indeed, knowing You Jesus, is the greatest thing. Help us be Your victorious overcomers Lord; for the victory is won!


P.S- I kinda like the physical scars I got after falling off my bike. It brings me back to times I have forgotten, to people I have somehow written off. and just for a moment , when I look at them again, I remember.

Going with the music~

Note of caution : my iTunes is currently on party shuffle, and it has churned out Josh Groban's Remember When It Rained. so yes, you all should know what mood it has set me into.

this is going to be a half emo, half light-hearted post. alright, let's begin.

was it on thursday that I told sharon that I would blog about how I start my friendships? yes, probably thursday. I had this epiphany on the escalator, that when I first begin to like the people around me, I like them not because of who they are, but rather what I see in them. So basically, what I see and like in you may not be who you really are, and if over some time, after I get to know the real you,if I don't quite like it, I may just slowly drift away. Unless, I see who you can be, and I like that part of you. well, it looks worse that I thought it was. haha. I guess I am just very superficial when it comes to friendships. but I like what Banville said in his book, "it is only at surfaces, that there is depth." well, that is a re-phrase, but it was something along the lines of that. and I guess I like it because, I feel closeness doesn't always have to be how much you know about a person, or how long you've been with another person. and over the years, I just gradually adopted this mindset.I asked grace over at the peak in Hongkong this question, "how do you determine whether or not you're a true friend? if I don't know things about you like what's your fave colour, what's your fave food, does it mean I'm not a true friend to you?" we talked about it against the backdrop of a dimmed sunset. and I gained insight, and yet, didn't shift much from my original POV. What I feel now is, I honestly want to believe that even if I know nuts about you, doesn't mean I don't care for you as a friend. It just simply means I probably haven't been able to spend much time with you recently, or perhaps, I just can't quite remember.

humour is always an ice-breaker and a device used to reduce tension. only with my close friends then do I use it with less ease. surprising no? the catch is the word use. with mere acquaintances, I can use humour most effectively, surprisingly, I can be quite talkative at times. because frankly, humour doesn't need much skill. with close friends, I hardly need to use humour; humour just happens. we just get into the flow of things, and we just connect and laugh, no need to think of what funny things we can say. and when I do use humour with friends, that's when I care enough to know humour is needed. and I know the ones I care about will always be able to pick up where I left off. it's like a common understanding. and really, I think it's fine. because in the first place, it is only when you are close enough with each other that you will even bother about what you're saying and hoping that the other will understand. and when they do, it's a special happiness. eclectic choice of words, but yes.

okay, what was my point again? iTunes is now playing Casablanca.

light-hearted, yes. I had great fun on friday! all the traveling was worth it. though I can't remember the details now, I realise that lyrics and details escape me. and the only thing that remains is just slivers of the memories. I remember the great food and company at Newton's circus. after so long, I heard myself being called "grandma" once again. oh, do I feel old. haha, no I didn't feel old. in fact, I felt strangely pleased. I didn't contribute much to the conversation, but there wasn't a real need to. I was just content being able to share in the gathering. short, but fulfilling.

as for the even shorter meeting with my cell group girls, it was brilliant as usual. I guess I just can't get enough of the time spent with them. every min is a joy. though I may not show it, or say it much, but the girls are really family to me. and I just love how we are there for each other. it's like all our flaws are accepted and covered over when we come together. =)

alright. I kinda drifted off, this post is probably going to end up completely emo.

and yes, I'm the kind who stands by train doors, with music in my ears, emo-ing my ride away. haha. but the emo moods gradually dissipate over the course of a day. the next day, you'll probably(or I hope so!) see me back to my cheerful self;) haha

someone get me my dark cherry mocha frapp. well, at least my much appreciated black tea latte is in stores now at last. I've waited a year for it. some things are worth waiting I guess. lots of things to do, and yet I so need to get the holiday mood out of my system.

come on, let's pass this with all that we've got:)

lead me Jesus, into where You promised

Folly at the start of a new year. Yet, it's not too late to start over. Lord, Your return ball was good; it hit the correct spot. It's just you left me stunned at what You've revealed to me. I needed it, and You understood that it needed to be shown to me in this way; that this is the only way I'll understand and this is the only way that will make me want to turn away.

Father, You promised. So, let me cross my river Jordan in 2009. Be my leader, let me take the next step of faith into the water and let me see Your breakthrough, Your dream for me. I believe in Your goodness, in Your provision. Help me believe more.

I have returned Your ball with a weak shot Lord. Can we start over? Please, let us have a new game. Help me cross over from the wilderness into the promised land You have already given to me. I will not dwell on the past; I will set You before me, and I will run forward to You. I know You are with me.