OVERDOSE. of mangoes and soya bean milk.

now I feel apprehensive about taking either of them. one look and it's enough to get me heading the opposite direction.

anyway, thoreau's been mundane. though he's slightly better from emerson, but all the philosophical ideas are wearing me out. and I have yet to get started on my american lit essay due in two weeks time. I resist the urge to sigh.

I can't seem to get the hang of reading my american lit texts, and honestly, the last few books just put me right to sleep after 5 pages max. that's really a record on it's own. I mean seriously, I make an effort to sit and read the book, and within 10 mins, I just close to rest my eyes for a moment, and this "drug-induced sleep" takes over.

but! I am glad for my friday conversations. it seems that ever since the first week of school, everytime I finish my only tutorial on fridays, I will always have company home. it was amanda the first week, then elaine, then zhining, winifred and angela. it's been pretty awesome really=) people I can talk comfortably with.

but I felt a little bad about elaine and amanda cause I didn't really have a chance to say bye before leaving the class. sigh. sometimes, I just care too much about others' impression of me.

but oh well, no point dwelling on that.

another fantastic thing that happened last week was that I finally managed to talk to grace online!it was quite a miracle cause I really wasn't planning to go on MSN. but somehow I felt this prompting to just check if there's any message from grace or if she's online. and the moment I signed in, I saw a msg she left behind! thank God:)

so yes, thanks for the chat grace;)

hmmm. and, train rides seem shorter these days.

just that.

Can you love someone in a moment as intensely as with a lifetime?

Today's tutorial left my mind reeling of all the questions the tutor asked us.

Time. Love. Loss.

Time seems to be the only thing which contects us. You have changed. I have changed. But is there something that remains constant all these while? WE share this promise-the promise that you'll wait for me. THEY share this expectation of us being together once again. At the end of it all.

Will you really wait? Or have you already done so?

When you say you love me, do you really love me? or are you in love with the idea of love?

After two,three, no, fifty-one years, will you still be in love with me? or will you be in love with the person you first fell in love with?

can I love you and yet be in love with someone else too?

who sets the standards of love? who determined the way we should or ought to love each other? who qualified what's wrong or right in love?

I've lost my sense of perception. I don't know what is real, nor what is an illusion. I thought I have already forgotten about you-erased you from my mind. but no, the thunder before the rain reminds me, you linger still in my memories.

And yet, as we sail, you make another promise. This time, you promise me,

Forever.

- Fermina Daza, Love in the time of Cholera.

well, it seems that I have transformed the questions that I've been asked into pointers from the female lead herself.

I honestly believe in the novel, she wouldn't have asked these questions, and yet, perhaps she ought to have done so.

hmmm. I actually wanted to type something else, and I guess I ended up revising my work while blogging. and why did I type it from the POV of Fermina? cause it's way
easier typing you and me rather than, "if someone says to someone...and if that someone..."too much of a hassle.


and as for my answer to the very first question, I honestly do not know. but one thing I know, is that someone can love another person. and perhaps, that is all we need to know.

as taken from the song, "Don't know much" by Aaron Neville and Linda Rondstadt:

I don't much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all I need to know

I don't know much, but I know I love you,
And that may be all there is to know

The only truth I will ever know,
Is Me and You.

You are enough~

If you believe God is enough for you, then you will always have enough. For you will always have God.

- Max Lucado, Every Day Deserves A Chance.


I was just so amazed at this quote when I read it. Indeed, the assurance that I will always have God with me is just brilliant. I was just reading the book in the train yesterday and it was about how there is no need for anxiety. Cause no matter what happens, God knows the itinerary and He has everything prepared already. Just as He provided the manna and the quail for the Israelites in the desert, He will provide for our daily needs daily. For help comes when we need it.

And as I read that, I just resolved not to worry about future problems, and just take a step at a time, and just rely on Him to provide for me at that particular time. I know the world has this mindset that relying on God is a weakness and that as long as we can help ourselves, we should not bother God and we don't really need God.

For me, sometimes I think the same way. Like God will only help me if I help myself and I shouldn't impose on Him too much. but I thank God that He has constantly assured and reminded me that His command is for me to trust in Him and to reply on Him! It's a command=) And I realised that the reason why we don't want to "impose on God" is because we think we are self-sufficient, that we just have to work hard to get what we want. And that is exactly what the bible calls the pride of life. The self comes first.

And honestly, I don't understand why we fight so hard to "seem strong" or "be able". because frankly, no matter how much we would like to say our achievements are so because of our hard work, isn't our lives and hence everything we do from God?

so for me, I'm just happy to be able to have my Jesus. let us not be afraid to trust in Him to provide and to shelter us. If He asks us to approach His throne of grace with confidence, then let us do so with faith=)

indeed Lord, You are all I need:)

high school memories~

today, I felt like a high schooler once again.

went back to the place where the high school memories were the the most poignant. lingered in the mall we used to frequent, took the buses we used to queue in line for. met batch upon batch of fellow juniors, whose faces I tried to recognise, but failed. the same uniform, the same looks.

on the bus back home, I met a friend from the same school. we started a conversation and for the first few moments, I tried hard to figure out where to place her. high school? college? it was only after she mentioned the word dance did I realise that we were fellow dancers back in school.

but it was okay. because what mattered wasn't whether or not I could remember her name or how we met, but rather how we spent the time we had together. I found out more about her in the short 20 mins that I ever did while back in school. we said our goodbyes and as usual said our ," we'll talk more the next time". somehow, I'm not sure if there will be a next time. but I'm still glad for the chance encounter.

crossed the same bridge with the same idyllic view. and as I walked down the last flight of steps, this thought lingered in my mind and heart.

four years on, and we haven't changed much.




or have we?

day one of year two semester one~

as expected, prof. neil murphy thwarted all my expectations.

but I'm quite glad the school buddies felt about the same about the first lecture back in Ntu.

after three months, things feel just a little different. just a slight difference. the people look about the same, the cliques remain similar, the lecture theatres stay the original way. I guess we adapted back to it quite quickly this time round.

I started off the lecture brimming with hope as the prof. told us to throw aside all our literary theories and just take this course of contemporary lit. as a vacation from all the theories. I was just elated and completely resonated with what he said about a particular quote about how we should and we are just getting back to the texts. and when the prof. said that we are just going to discuss how we feel about the text, and how it's all going to be sharings of our own opinions, I felt that there was this renewed spark of passion in me.

but as the lecture went on and as the prof. went on to explain more about the course, the flame sizzled out. like about 99%.

I was just telling sharon and yiwen how I felt befuddled after the whole lecture ended. I thought at first we were all going to abandon the literary theories, the complicated and extreme "nonsense"(it's just my POV) of literary theories. and yet somehow I felt that the POV that contemporary lit. and of post-modernism is just one big theory on its' own. and really, I honestly think that I will not be using much of this analysis method outside of the classroom.

oh well, I told Him I want to work hard and well this semester, so yes, I will put in effort to try to do that. and I believe He will help me.

sometimes I just wonder, do all these lit. professors live their lives in accordance to what they teach in their classrooms and whether or not they are truly blessed by their own teachings. do their deep thoughts and theories really help them to live life better and fuller?

somehow, I know that even if they think so, even if others think so, I can't quite believe it. to me, it's too much and yet too little. all the questions, but never the answers. all the illusions and the searching and questioning of truth, but even when the truth faces them straight in their faces, they will reject it or worse, fail to recognise it.

well, that's lit. for me, it gets me all serious. haha. but at the end of the day, I just want to enjoy reading my books and perhaps have a great time sharing and listening to the different opinions of the books. I want to study lit. with a smile on my face, with passion and joy in my heart, with peace in my mind. that's what I hope to achieve in my stint at Ntu.

what about you?

alrighty, one last post for the holidays.

it's been great while it lasted. and I'm thankful.

so yes Lord, this semester is Yours. let's do it together=)

haha. I'm a little excited about tomorrow's lecture. let's hope our english department's most charming lit. professor meets my expectations;)

will tell you all more tomorrow:)